There&Back Again. @salacia-actaea - Tumblr Blog

ok so this is another long shot but a few years ago there was a twitter post (in japanese i think?) that had measurememts for how to make this book stand thing out of cardboard that you could use to double up books and use up more space on shelves

back then i made a bunch of these but by now i lost the pic and dont know how to find the original post anymore

if it comes down to it i can just take one apart and get the measurements from there but i would be very grateful if anyone happens to have the original post or something similar??

megacarapa

don't mind how long it's been since i made this post, anyway i realized that i don't even need to take one apart to get the measurements when i can literally just unfold it and refold it /FACEPALM

so anyway here is the diagram for anyone else who is interested!!

this requires pretty big carboard pieces, if you have a really big box or something you can make it from one piece, but if you don't, you can also just make each of the pieces individually and then tape them together

and then in the end you put it together like this!!

and then when you make a bunch you can put them all next to each other and stack your books like crazy

EVERYONE START GETTING MORE USE OUT OF YOUR SPACE NOW!!!!

#reference #i wanna try

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

I've been so happy and all that about the dog thing but it also seems to make me really really anxious. Like. Something will go wrong. Idk what. But can't be real.

#esspeaks

It is a traumaversary for more recent trauma today and we went to look at puppies today and in 3 weeks one will come! So it's nice to have something nice attached to today now 🥹 this is something I have wanted for 20 years its always been the thing I told myself if I decided to live thats what I want and now it is happening! Am so happy so so happy

#esspeaks

For quite some time I had some.... Flashes I guess... Not complete memories in the slightest. But just... A certain lighting situation. And I never really understood why I had it. And then yesterday I realised I stopped having it as much when I specifically changed my bedroom curtains last year because the last ones made me feel "depressed" every time I woke up and I hoped by changing the color I would wake up "better" (they're bright yellow now so it rather amplifies any light that comes in over the more dusky kind of light some others may give)... and like... oh? I think the flashes became less frequent right around the time I changed my curtains... I just never spotted the connection before. Which feels stupid in hindsight because it feels so obvious now.... but ahhhhh.... also never really connected the feeling bad about the light in my bedroom to that lolsob just thought like oh yeah bright ofcourse helps me when i wake up

#esspeaks

millenianthemums

listening to fleetwood mac is like. i don’t know this song but let’s give it a shot. oh wait i do know this song. i’ve heard it a million times and always liked it, i just didn’t know the name. on some level i kind of assumed that song was just an ambient part of the world the way the sound of the wind or birdsong in the trees was but apparently it’s by fleetwood mac. neat.

#went to a fleetwood mac tribute band recently with my bf #he was like i dont know many songs and then during like oh i do know this one and this one and this one

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

I have so much to talk to T about I am already worried there won't be enough time on Tuesday and she is off 4 weeks after it so it's like i have to fit it in that appts which is a pressure usually making me go silent lmaoooo but also by Tuesday nothing will seem to matter anymore probably

On the other hand it looks as if we may have found a doggy 🥹

#esspeaks

So far I really don't see much of a benefit of going to the new place instead of the current place. The only one I can find is that they're fine with me still also staying with T/my local team and the current place wants me to quit rather sooner than later. But that feels a bad reason lmao. Plus I was really put off last week after that appointment. Really messed with me. Like. Idk. Plus it feels.... Heavier. More. Idk. I do like the t im seeing currently at current place but i didnt like the other guy but thats maybe stuff that was just triggering something in the ways he said them. Its also half an hr less travel which isnt that much but it feels better I guess lolsob. Overall i really can't say it feels like they can handle did better. Its probably about same. Tho t said she googled the guy from current place and he does have experience. I just felt he didn't believe me. Or something. Yeah. Not sure. Honestly most of the time i just want to quit both and don't even believe myself anymore. It's just so unhelpful when symptoms are so on and off lolsob. Its easier to think im just making everything up. I just cant really explain some things but ah I cant go there without beating myself up too. I just feel so lost with it all and like well avoidance is keeping me ok somewhat im managing to suppress most of the distress and like im doing a lot of it with disconnecting and turning off like idk some bits of myself so I show up so detached which is making me feel lonely and I can tell the longer I do so the more my mood goes down and generally lot of anxiety but hey those are Different Issues. Which serves in its own way because if its *just* GAD and a lil depression i can just figure it out with T except obviously we tried and how well has that been going loooool yeah idk I just don't know anymore like the place last year actually felt like... they *understood* and were talking in a way that kind of idk felt like how i experienced things and now its just like... on the one hand this new place that just cares about flashbacks and nightmares and current place thats basically all just window of tolerance but at least that makes sense as last place we started there too ig? Idk idk idk

#esspeaks #i just feel so stupid that being able to just keep seeing t without anyone being bothered could be so important #how embarrassing #i just... with current place its like ok you wanna take away the one person i can be quite unfiltered with #that i can trust even if sometimes she is a lil dumdum #that feels *in my corner*#ig idk #there is just a lil bit of me that wants to bark and bite at them for that lmaoooo #next week im seeing t and current place t together #i need to work on the letters but why does no one have a name with a new letter smh #also i sent another email for a pup/breeder but ah im just convinced i write terrible emails now lmao #also the body image is terrible #much fun with this continuous hot days #ugh

The appointment today was so horrible. It was a ptsd questionnaire and ended up pretty much just asking some details of memories and stuff so yeah amazing i haven't even talked about any of that with a therapist I do know lmaooo I ended up so dissociated and detached and I feel like a truck drove over my brain and I kept just thinking I wanted t and 🥴🥴 it stressed me out so much and so much was happening in my head and like why WHY just NO sensitivity around it at all????? This is quite honestly such a con like???? I get it they want to establish i have ptsd but it feels so dismissive of the trauma let alone the DID to force it like this it pisses me off a bit like idk its the only way

And then i walked out and I had a message from the person I know that her dog won't have enough puppies so 😭

#esspeaks #during i really wanted to ask t to see me next week or call or whatever but now it seems excessive #because i will regulate myself #i always do #maybe ill feel motivated to text w for my meds lol

For weeks now I mostly show up detached or joking in therapy and then I cry on the way home. Like. Ah yes. That works great for me. Not. And then the moment I do show up with more emotion (albeit anxiety lmao) its really not seen and the t brought up a topic that brought still more anxiety so I dissociated. I don't think she really saw me that disconnected before though and she was okay with it.

She does keep bringing up "parts" and how I may feel opposing things but every time quickly says everyone has parts of themselves lolsob. She also asks a lot if there's "multiple voices" but every time she asks me this question there's not so much multiple voices but very clearly one specific voice that's idk just... unme. So idk.

I just still can't figure out what im going to do. Honestly there's been so much going on with everyone around me that I haven't had much space to consider it. And when there is im too busy just letting myself relax (avoid lol).

On Saturday I had a family event and my bf kept asking me if I had pain and needed painkillers (because i have had so much pain recently) and all day i was like oh no i dont need it its a no pain day only for the pain to show up the moment I got home. And like. Now its like.... was i that disconnected from my body all day or is the pain just psychosomatic and was i distracted enough that day or like a bit of both ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and then i talked to t about and she was like oh we never really talked about conversion and im like... no we very much did? For a while yall thought that was mostly what I was experiencing?? And idk it was a frustrating conversation and I was just like well its pointless too since im not seeing a doctor for my pain so ehhh

Anyway my brain has been a lot of chaos idk anymore i just want to disappear and not deal with anything rn....

#esspeaks #the family event also had me see pics of myself and i feel so awful about my body rn #i just want everything to go away #im so close to drop everything and everyone lmao #funny enough being detached and disconnected makes me feel UnSeen #which im doing myself but ahhh #but yea it makes me write here more apparently

the-eldritch-it-gay

why do i end up sitting straight up in my sleep. ignore how many blankets I use.

femmeharlequin-deactivated20240

Bestie it is impossible to ignore the amount of blankets you use at first I assumed this was a meme and those were the layers of the crust of the earth

the-eldritch-it-gay

I actually have 4 more blankets I sometimes add but I didn't want to make my blanket number look excessive

femmeharlequin-deactivated20240

Are you okay

the-eldritch-it-gay

The results are inconclusive on that.

the-eldritch-it-gay

For the record, since making this post I was diagnosed with autism and my blanket situation is documented in the diagnosis write-up. So there's that.

#im kinda impressed about being able to sit up with all those blankets ngl

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

Im trying out makeup thingies because I have a wedding this weekend but I realised again why I avoid mirrors because seeing some parts of my face resemble my mom's so much almost made me panic lmaooooo

#esspeaks #my coping these days is apparently going lmaooooo at everything when im certainly not lmaooooing #god i feel so old all my skin is ugh

I had my first two appts for the assessment for new therapy last week and overall I guess it's quite similar in what they offer. They say maybe they are a bit more experienced around did and say they work on less of a limited time frame (but the current place also indicated me as needing 3+ years so?? Dunno how that works rn). And the 2nd person I spoke too really made me get the "adopt me pls" thing going and she would be my weekly therapist lolsob. The one thing that made my eyebrow shoot up a bit is when the first person went "we don't question if you have did we are just looking at if you are experiencing ptss at the moment" like.... ?? Even if im low symptoms at a certain time its usually because yk the did is taking care of it OR I am high key avoiding which... is a symptom? Idk man

Otherwise it seems a bit of a vibes choice. I think I kind of like that its a bigger place where I dont have to ring a doorbell and like... I havent dared use the bathroom even when I needed it at the current place (because idk where it is exactly and I dare not ask lmaooooo) but the new place it just had a sign so that sort of stuff always feels easier in a bigger place but it also feels idiotic lmaooooo. I do think current place *is* easier at switching therapists within the team if not vibing. They think that's important. And I do too and idk how they are at the new place. Its a little further too (25 min more all in all). They do have an in house psychiatrist that I still have to meet. Plus I guess they have some groups eventually. Also they aren't making an issue of me staying with T, they were like oh yeah that place is more like idk what to translate as because officially it is coaching but that's not what we mean when we say *begeleiding* in my language lol and anyway idk if thats really that correct but sure ok. But yeah since current place *is* making an issue. But then perhaps i should not keep seeing T. I just don't want to stop lolsob like goddammit im finally not as fucking filtered anymore with a therapist it feels stupid to give that up for something that may take time to rebuild with another person (even if i do ok with my t at the current place)

I just wonder how much dread i would feel with them every appts since I keep having it with current place. I think I keep feeling like I am *doing it wrong* with current place. But perhaps that is just within me. I felt it at the previous place obviously and them reaffirming it. I don't have it as much with T anymore because she is like well if you need to sit in silence together today thats also okay. And so many therapists are like iT Is A wAsTe oF bOtH OuR tImEs tHeN (i mean that first woman at this place already said something like that before I switched to the one I see now) but still i was so relieved she was sick today lolsob

#esspeaks #ahhhh also i found out someone i trained with before is expecting a litter of the breed i want #so i finally messaged her since the last breeders i contacted were like lets just not reply #and she was so nice and enthusiastic that i had interest #soooo she is keeping me updated chances are not enough puppies but will see #its nice that she was keen!#like ah the opinion of someone who has actually seen me with my previous dogs 2-3 times a week for years #is better than apparently those who dont know me #what do i care more about????#it kinda sucks that apparently i cant write good emails or whatever but hey someone who knows how i am as a dog owner thinks im good so #what matters more?#anyway otherwise life is stressful but ah we keep up optimism or whatever #fake it til you make it lmaoooo

paper-wounds

via

fibro-memes

I was shaking so much when I called like 💀 panicked a few times before but got an appointment in an hour. She sounded annoyed but I also realise I am just super sensitive lmaooooo if only my doctor knew how he will be, will be a huge influence on me ever going back 🤪💀 like ah yes I have been avoiding you for years and now i have to go in for the absolute stupidest thing possible amazing I can't wait to surprise T with having been to my doctor (since we have been working on this for 1.5 years with no improvement) and only for something stupid because this stupid thing is something I know won't solve itself or can't be ignored by telling myself its only pain lmaoooo man the irony

#esspeaks #it doesnt help to keep calling it stupid but alas if i go i apparently have to beat myself up for being a burden enough to make it possible

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

#esspeaks #im so much of an idiot jfc #and i was finally going for a quiet day tomorrow #i had the possible new therapy place two days this week #and idek #also going through that form i found out a while ago when i had this issue with my ear i should have gone to the evening thingy lolsob #and i was like oh i shouldnt bother during office hrs even #i have calmed but im so embarrassed #like so so embarrassed

monstermonger

All that is mine I carry with me. | Omnia mea mecum porto

Trending Blogs

Last Seen Blogs

There&Back Again.