SaiVanMarly

I think I finally realized why I’m so secretive about my stuff. I was thinking back on something that happened to me when I was little (that I will not talk about) and the person who did it had stolen my Kindle I had at the time, as well. Really, I think I care more about that than what they did to me because that meant they had direct excess to my embarrassing videos, notes, or whatever else was on that device. I have always been very private with things I make or my stuff in general so I think this added to it. Whenever anyone comes into my room or near me my first thought is to block or close my notebook or laptop or whatever I’m using even if what I’m doing or writing isn’t bad. If I have to get up and leave what I’m doing, I always hide it somewhere. Then I thought back to that experience and I think that is partly why. 

I had a random thought. If Buffyverse characters appeared in twos, who'd be the other's 'two'? Obviously, Andrew and Warren. Then that just leaves poor third wheel Jonathan, lmao.

The Trio is part of the reason that I can't create anything original. Sometimes I want to make an original 'series' to write but my mind is in the mood for whatever show I'm into so much that I start trying to make all the characters rip-offs of characters I'm invested in and I can't stand it because it isn't as good as the actual thing, of course. I want actual Warren, Andrew, and Jonathan and nothing compares. This is weird because I will write something about say Buffy and Willow, however, their personality and everything begins to become an entirely different person and weirdly this doesn't bother me? For some reason It's better to me for a canon character to be someone else but with the face and name tag of the actual character but really annoying for an original character to be rip-off of an actual character... Why doesn't that set me off? It's exactly the same thing with the rip-off but reversed? Then I'm stuck in this really weird situation where I want to make something myself but none of the characters are good enough because I want the characters from the series I'm fixated on. But then when I go and write about the actual characters they turn into new characters! There is no in between or else I would use it to make something new but because there isn't, there is only one or the other, it's frustrating. My best friend was irritated by this because she wanted to create something new but my mind wanted The Trio and this was not working.

I had a dream that my mom said that she has "decided Buffy The Vampire Slayer is her favorite show again" or "It is her favorite show" or something along the lines of that. Except, I couldn't remember if it was a memory from yesterday or a dream. I think I remember asking "But what about this" and pointed at another show and she said something like "I like that too but I just realized I like this more lately" or something like that... I can't remember exactly. I decided on it being a dream.

When I first put the Warren photo on my desk, I used to forget it was there then when I saw it in the corner of my eye I'd jump startled every time. Now when I recall it's there I just look over like, 'Oh, hey' and stare at it for awhile. Three years and I'm still drawn in by his photos, lmao.

You know, I don't like bringing this up but there are times where people have messaged me to claim that the scene in "Dead' Things" turns me on. That is a strangely specific accusation... but hey, no judgement here you can go rewatch that scene yourself again if you want. It's interesting because I rarely talk about that scene and I don't openly talk about what 'turns me on' or anything of that nature. Sure Warren looks great in that scene but that is every scene.

Ever since I first saw Warren Mears his name is everywhere. I look up at a street sign and there is his name. Flipped over my favorite cup I've had forever and there is his name. I get some some comments where oddly they're named Warren. See a game and it has a character named Warren. The name Warren is carved into a tree. The name Warren is engraved in a metal sign. I hear his name when it isn't being said. In episodes it was never said too. Best friend once messaged me 'Ah! Warren Street!? I'm leaving.' Turned away from my laptop, not touching the keys, turn back and I'm on a site that doesn't work and all it says at the top is Warren Mears. He is everywhere.

I know, I have said this over and over already but I really am relieved and thankful that there are others that enjoy and talk about The Trio. Words can never describe.

There are lots of questions Warren Mears leaves me with... If I had watched the show a few years earlier or a few years later than I did, in a different circumstance, different mood, would I still have fixated on him? If Warren had been played by another actor, what would be my opinion be on him then? If in some weird alternate universe where Adam Busch was cast as a different character, would my fixations instead be on that character or would I think nothing of him? Everyone asks me 'Why?' and I say 'I don't know'. That's what I mean.

I wish I could remember what my first thought of Warren was. My mom has the Chosen collection box set and in the menu for the 'I Was Made to Love You' he is in the picture. What I do remember is seeing that and already being intrigued by him before the episode even hit play...

I don't like to vent or when I do it makes me feel guilty because when I do it to my mom she tells me that I drain her because I'm so forceful, negative, and aggressive, and I don't to make everyone feel like shit.

You know, I didn't realize at the time that I could annoy and anger the entire Buffy The Vampire Slayer fandom with only two simple words... Warren Mears.

Yet again ruining my sleep schedule that I nearly had fixed because sometimes I get too scared to go to sleep for some reason.

I had a horrible dream that there was this essay or something about how Buffy finds Warren attractive actually or he’s her type or something and because it was a dream it had actual supposed evidence. I’m not sure but I think in the dream I even made some kind of post about it… It was weird. I woke up so relieved that didn’t happen and I instantly had to make sure that I had posted no such thing. Don’t scare me like that. 

It's funny because I will think to myself "I'll never understand everyone's obsession with Sp*ke." Then I will have people tell me "I will never understand your obsession with Warren." and it's infuriating but... It's fascinating how Sp*ke and Warren draw polar opposite crowds while the characters, themselves, on the other hand...