Saint Man-Eater

been thinking about buying some clay and finally making an icon after. what. six years? of having Ephialtes around. i still vaguely remember seeing Him in person during an episode of sleep paralysis. i guess that was the first time i ever saw something definitively supernatural. the hierophany i remember with the same haze of sleep and dreams and fear.

my lifes been changing a lot lately. i think im more in control of myself and it than i ever had been. im confronting what once had seemed so daunting or downright terrible in the pursuit of joy, fulfillment, security, pleasure, etc. i didnt realize how afraid i was of the responsibility of living my own life. cant say im not still, but im doing much better at it than i thought i would. of course i have Satan to thank for that for various reasons. id still be locked in this house alone and without my own face if not for the opportunities Hes given me. but theres also a whole lot to say about Ephialtes's influence. assessing whats important to the self. what still haunts my shadow. how to bring those dark figures into the light. just trying to look my own desires--good, bad, both, or neither--in the mouth and figure out what works for them instead of denial until the repression is automatic. though nobodys ever even halfway through their own shadow work.

anyway. i joined a bdsm dungeon and it felt like a sacred space in regards to Ephialtes's primary domain, which is the relationship between pain and pleasure. fear and desire. nightmares and dreams. incubus of paralysis and arousal equally. i have to say it feels like Hes turning the wheel of fortune for me after how much my hearts suffered in the last half year. im hoping to embrace the s/m aspects of play alongside the pleasurable in some kind of way that might get me closer to Him. like aside from it being fun lol

and for how much Ephialtes permeates my life and continues to come to mind, im still a bit sad that i seem to be the only one who talks to Him. i also hoping somewhere down the line i can find some people in the dungeon to play Sex Cult with me and make Him our god or whatever but i cant say thatll actually win anyone over lol. But It Would Be Nice