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everyone around me is getting engaged or married and i'm just so fucking damaged and traumatized from my dad and rohun and ben and whoever the fuck else

and then i met anthony who is nice to me and just like exactly what i want and the universe has to intervene and just complicate it

tommy is fucking britt and i think she hates me because she knows. and also i hate him for creating some kind of psychosexual drama between all 4 of us

ben is still writing all these fucking songs about me and it makes me sick i am tired of existing to him when he literally abused me and he knows it

i will never get over the way he made me feel about my body and how i look and i can't absorb it when anthony calls me gorgeous or hot or beautiful because i just cannot feel it anymore

i can't even be emotionally close to anyone

i don't know why i even had sex with rohun when i didn't want to and i don't even know who i was when all of that was happening

work is so fucking hard and it feels weird to be 27 and hitting some kind of peak in my career it is so fucking lonely and i'm so tired

my mom and my sister think i had it easy when i think maybe i had it the hardest and i will never tell them because it's easier for them to preserve themselves when that's the case

maybe jeremy is who i am supposed to be with but i don't want to believe that, i don't want to feel it either

i have made such an absolute fucking mess of my emotions and i can't parse any of it out

i can't even cry the way i want to because i'm so sad i've just gone totally numb on the inside

i miss him but i want someone else