Lights down. Curtain up. Welcome to the show

I’m feeling like a failure. As a person. As a wife. As a soon to be mother. And I just don’t know what to do. What am I doing wrong? One day I feel on top of it, like I’m good to go and have things under control. The next? I’m losing my grip, I’m ruining everything, I’m always the problem. And I know I’m not the problem. I’m part of a problem. I’m not the sole problem. But that doesn’t change my mind thinking otherwise. Doesn’t let the words said to me say any different.

Moments like these I want to hide. Disappear. I want to take my dog and cry. I want to rewind. I want to rip the fucking triggers and mental illnesses from my head. I want to make myself the better person I should be. I feel fucking broken and no longer good enough. I’m back to feeling lost. I’m back to practically disassociating. I feel like what is happening is happening to a shell of me. Like this is an out of body experience and I’m sorta watching from a distance.

I’m at the point in my pregnancy where blood pressure spikes can be very bad. I need to be taking it easy. I need to dial back stress. I need to be slowing down. And I can’t. That’s not the cards I’ve been given. And I desperately want those cards. Again it circles back simply to, what am I doing wrong?