Welcome to the corpse of me

Today my friend said she could hang out with me around 1pm. She then messaged me and asked if I'd be upset if she went to the store to get new glasses at 3pm. Of course, I wouldn't mind that. But then it was 6pm, and I asked where she was. She said she was eating dinner, and would hangout soon. Another hour passes and I ask again, she says she's with her boyfriend but will kick him out soon. Now it's almost 8:30 and I asked, hey, are you still wanting to hang today? She says sure, but she wants to play games with our other friends first.

At this point I said, hey, I'm going to bed, have fun with everyone. Which, it's 8:30pm, obviously I'm not going to bed??? But I just feel so hurt. I have no right to be hurt, it's not like she's not allowed to hangout with other people but. Idk. It's not the feeling hurt part, it's the feeling like me saying I'm off to bed is punishing her somehow. That's not exactly my intention of course, I just want her to know I'm hurt. But instead of being a mature ass adult, I say I'm going to bed. And I have the urge to just ignore her and everyone else until our Vegas trip next week. But that's not fair.

Anger? Awful. A hot mist that seeps into my skin.

And I'm angry. All the time I'm angry. I'm angry at my family, I'm more angry at myself, and I just don't know how to fucking deal with it anymore.

Today I asked my roommate, "okay, be honest, do I look fat in my workout clothes?" And I took off my hoodie to reveal my workout outfit.

He just stares and finally says, "Girl. You look, really skinny. Have you been eating?" Lmao I can't tell you the pure joy that I felt in that moment.

I forget how bad the bad times can be. I go months feeling on top of the world, thinking my demons have magically disappeared. And then the beast reels it's ugly head. It sinks its claws into my skin and whispers in my ear:

"Your friend hasn't been talking to you. You know that means she doesn't care about you anymore, right?"

"Remember how he liked you and then moved on to her? I don't understand why you ever thought you were pretty. You're just an easy lay."

"You're a failure in your career, and everyone is just waiting to see you fall on your face."

"Have you met you? Why would anyone care about you? Why would anyone want to have you around?"

I try to tell it to shut up. I try to plug my ears and block the sound. But it doesn't listen. It doesn't care. It keeps on with it's whispers, dragging me deeper into it's tar. I know I've escaped so many times before.

But the older I get, the more I fear that the beast will drag me all the way down. That I'll suffocate.