Nymphie

My best friend… ex-best friend… got involved with the guy another friend liked, and I chose to take the side of the one who seemed most hurt because that's what my values ​​dictated. But after a while, the two of them started talking again, and I was the one who ended up being seen as the girl who got involved without any obligation to do so. I saw my friend incredibly sad and distraught, telling me how awful and cruel the other girl was being. And I saw how my ex-best friend was lying to me, omitting information, talking about things as if they were trivial instead of realizing she was hurting the person she claimed to care about. That side of her also made me afraid she would hurt me, and I wasn't in the best mental state to allow it. I put my foot down and said, "You're not doing the right thing. You're hurting someone, and besides, it scares me how easily you're disregarding our friend."

Now that I wanted to talk and fix things, she's the victim and I'm the one who got involved unnecessarily. I'm the bad guy, impulsive and confrontational… If only she knew that the friend she hurt, and now pretends they can start over, has been saying terrible things about her, not just to me. I think of the two of us, I was the one who exposed her the least to others.

With my best friend, it's been different. About a year and a half ago, I started struggling with body dysmorphia and a potential eating disorder, which has been very difficult to balance with my new lifestyle. I had problems with mirrors, my boyfriend, and any aspect of my life that could be related to my physical appearance. I'm thin, and I could be even thinner. I have a naturally petite body, without large hips or breasts, and I tend to wear oversized or men's clothing for that very reason, to hide myself and avoid being self-conscious about my appearance. My best friend was talking with another friend one day and started jokingly saying that men considered our friend more of a woman than me because of our different features, since she's a pretty girl with big breasts and hips and beautiful long hair… I cried at that moment because of how bluntly he said it, the mockery, and the joke he was trying to make me feel. That same afternoon, I told him he'd been wrong and that I didn't want to talk to them for a while. Later, he came back to me and apologized, but honestly, it's not the same anymore. I feel disgusted and angry. When I hear him talk about his problems, I think he's the stupidest person I've ever seen and that he deserves everything that happens to him. But again, I'm being left alone. I don't know how to end things with us for good because our friend is his best friend, and I'm afraid that cutting her off would mean cutting us both off. Lately, he's been having bad days, and I feel that naturally, his way of treating others isn't right. But in these situations, friends usually understand and allow them to have a slightly sour temper without them crossing the line (again), but I can't take it anymore. I feel responsible for forgiving him because I gave him the impression that we're friends again. I feel responsible for holding a grudge.

I'm a woman with few friends and many acquaintances. I have no problem interacting with people because I'm good at it, even though I don't generally like people. But I don't know, I don't like change. Losing friends is a form of change, especially if you're used to having them around every day. I don't feel good having them in my life right now. It bothers me to know how bad they can be, but I'm afraid to let go. Somehow, they still tie me to my university days, which I'm not yet able to let go of.