Escapist

So far quite a few compliments on my new glasses and the new earrings I made which really makes working with the smallest jump rings and chain in existence almost worth it

30 is such an arbitrary number.

I had myself convinced that today is a day I would never see. I've been dreading it the last couple of months because I thought it would be so depressing to reach this age and still have nothing to show for it.

But I was wrong.

30 arrived with no dramatic flair, no sadness for the years I've lost and no emptiness calling out my name.

30 has settled in gently with a warm reminder that I have built a worthwhile life for myself.

I feel completely empty. The anxiety is overwhelming so I try to fill every waking moment with... something. But there is a wall between me and everything productive and I fall back to self destructive habits instead. There's a familiar taste in my mouth.

I'm desperate to end this cycle and even though I can see the exit, with its bright neon sign, I can't seem to find my way out. 

"It's like I'm caught in this terrible loop that's too painful to keep going but without the pain I don't feel anything. I don't know what to do without my racing heart and the lump in my throat." 

Tears are running down my cheeks but those sobs that once wracked my body never come.

"It's not a loop, it's a spiral."