Clownie

What happened in the server:

For a long time, lots of people have disagreed with how I handled disputes. I often took a long time to decide, or let both sides talk at length about their feelings. This led to a lot of discomfort.

As the community within the server grew, more disputes took place. People became upset that moderation was not keeping up with the growth, and also upset with moderators for not meeting expectations.

Recently, the server erupted into a large fight about how much negativity and venting was taking place. I failed to stop the negativity because I was obsessed with helping people with their problems. I realize now that my tendency to try and fix everything for everyone was completely out of control. It was egotistical.

At the same time, the fight was making me extremely stressed. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder that makes adrenaline flood my system during an anxiety attack. It can get to the point where I suffer from the effects like a poisoning.

I was absolutely not in the correct frame of mind to be trying to trying to fix the situation, or even to be talking to anyone. 

A couple of people sent me very long 7 paragraph messages privately on Patreon, very angry at how I have been mishandling the situation and the server. While they were generally correct, I took it personally and got really defensive.

I freaked out and replied very poorly. I was emotional and unprofessional.

My replies were screen capped and used on twitter to make a callout post, then circulated around, kind of just exacerbating the situation as much as possible.

This is around the time that Barbatus told me that he no longer wishes to be part of the project or associate with me.

From that point on, things were mostly calm, until the full deletion of the server- 9:00am MSTJanuary 25 2024.

Please don't mistake this event as 'what caused the server deletion' however. As I have told others, it was merely a drop in a bucket that was already overflowing. Just another symptom of something that needed to change a long time ago.

My person feelings about the situation:

I realize now that it was a mistake to leave the server open after its initial purpose [ beta testing for TPOF ] had been fulfilled. I've struggled before on the internet for years to find a peaceful balance with how much of myself I personally share online. Several years ago, I realized that I had been using the internet to fill a void created by my own deep loneliness, engaging in parasocial relationships with my followers.

I thought I had learned my lesson then, but the pleasant and delightful community in my beta testing server filled me with delusions that "I could handle it this time". I was wrong, of course.

I loved that server. I loved talking with everyone, hearing about their lives, and sharing mine. But that love wasn't healthy. Even in the joyful best of times, I was constantly surrounded by praise and attention, borderline worship. This is not healthy.

I let my addiction to that attention lead us all further and further into the dangers of parasocial relationships. I knew that perfection was expected of me, and instead of getting out of that situation I said 'I can be perfect for them'. Of course I couldn't. I was being delusional, as I have done many times before in toxic relationships from my past.

My work's popularity has grown to a size where I can no longer safely put myself emotionally out there. My real self needs to live in the real world now. It's time to sever my last personal tie on the internet and only post for my work.

What is going to change going forward:

I will no longer be hosting a discord server, nor will I be using my social media accounts for anything but work [ that's already pretty much the case, so people who weren't in the server honestly probably won't notice much difference ]

Final thoughts:

I've heard people say "I really like how you actually interact with your community" and I'm very sorry to have to stop. 

I also just want to profusely and deeply apologize for my failures. I'm sorry for leaving the server open after beta testing and creating this ticking time bomb. I'm sorry for the way I handled disputes and how afraid I always was to 'take sides'. I'm sorry for my behaviour during the server meltdown. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I'm sorry for creating this thing that people came to love so fiercely, and then taking it away. I'm sorry for putting all of you who suffered into this position and exposing you to this toxicity.

I will continue with my work on YKMET:Strade. I will pour my freed up time and energy into my work, where it should have been in the first place. And I will find more time for myself as well, with hobbies and a life outside this all.