Ghosting through the motions

He honestly is one of the most abhorrent people I have ever met, he genuinely is such a dick for no reason and he is mean as fuck on purpose when we fight. I genuinely can't stand him but the times that we are good, it's great. But we've been fucking terrible for awhile. I honestly am just screaming into the void expecting nobody to listen. I just hate this mf so much, but I love him. But he genuinely brings no good qualities to the table, like none. He is unemployed, on a active court case that he dragged me into, and he is abusive. I don't know what to do and I don't know why I don't want to leave? Like do I have such low self esteem that I allow this stupid pussy ass bitch to treat me this way? Like he is a loser and would legit have NOTHING if I left him. He doesn't make money, he doesn't have a phone and he doesn't have anyone who actually cares BUT ME. His family are absolute nightmares the most terrible group of people I have ever met. His mother is the most unbearable "functioning alcoholic" in the world. She is a massive cunt [ like son like mother ] and she is legit crazy and passed it on to her FOUR unbearable children. HOW I even got into this mess is beyond me! I come from a good family who genuine loves and supports me and they have legit asked to save me from this situation. My grandpa specifically really hates my boyfriend. He legit wants to lock me in his house to save me, he loves me so much and me being an only child to his dead daughter I can tell it really breaks his heart that he sees me suffering and in so much pain and living such a poor life. AND it's ALL my bf's fault. I don't know why I allow myself to stay, I guess I just really hate myself or maybe I will push him to the edge one day and he will take me off this earth. I don't want to be here anyways.

He genuinely does, all he does is make fun of me and then gaslight me into thinking I am the one starting things