SYPNOSIS : in which… being a trainee under hybe obviously was not fun. It made your life miserable for a long time. You thought that when the time to debut finally came, things would get better. But when you see who you were to debut with, things get even worse.
warnings : happy ending😛 ALSO PLS TELL ME IF U CAUGHT JUHOONS BACON REFERENCE THATS MY FAVOURITE MEME
after everything that happened that day, something inside you shut down again.
it felt humiliating honestly. you had spent months slowly opening up around the others without even realizing it, only for everything to blow up in your face in the worst possible way. after that night, you stopped trying completely.
you went back to how you used to be when you first entered the dorm.
you stopped sitting in the living room during movie nights. you stopped eating meals with everyone else unless absolutely necessary. you stopped hanging around after practice and immediately disappeared into your room the second schedules ended.
the first few days, they all kept trying anyway.
martin awkwardly asked if you wanted food while ordering takeout one night and you walked straight past him like he didn’t even speak.
keonho tried asking if you needed help practicing choreography and you ignored him completely.
even seonghyeon tried talking to you multiple times, but the second he approached you during practice breaks, you would immediately walk away before he could even open his mouth properly.
because unlike the others, he knew exactly how much you cried when you were hurt, but you didn’t know he knew.
he kept following you around at first, trying to get you to answer him.
“okay you can ignore everyone else but at least listen to me.”
“you’re seriously not gonna say anything? I didn’t even do anything.”
eventually even he gave up trying to force conversation.
juhoon asked a few times too, though in his own weird awkward way.
one night while you were digging through the fridge at two in the morning, he looked over from the couch and muttered, “you’re getting bad again.”
you didn’t even glance at him. you didn’t even know why he was awake at that hour.
another time he tossed a blanket at you after you fell asleep at the kitchen table and quietly said, “you’re being dramatic.”
still, you ignored him too.
the worst part was how guilty the others looked now.
especially martin, seonghyeon, and keonho.
they started leaving random snacks on top of your bedside drawer almost every day. drinks you liked. convenience store candy. those stupid little pastries you always bought after practice.
every single time you saw them, you grabbed everything without hesitation and dumped it straight into the kitchen trash.
sometimes they watched you do it but you didn’t care. or at least you tried convincing yourself you didn’t.
honestly, being back at square one felt horrible.
because now you knew what things could’ve been like if everything didn’t get ruined and somehow that made everything hurt even more.
right now it was almost three in the morning, and you were sitting alone at the park near the hybe building with your hood pulled over your head.
cold air brushed against your face while your legs curled slightly against the bench. your cheeks felt freezing from the tears you kept wiping away with your sleeves.
you stared blankly at the ground while picking at your cuticles hard enough to hurt.
then suddenly someone sat down beside you.
“i knew i’d find you here.”
you looked up immediately.
for a second you almost stood up and walked away immediately, but honestly you were too tired.
you looked back down again instead. “how did you know i’d be here?”
his voice stayed quiet. “you know how i disappear every night and come back late?”
“this is where i come.” he shrugged while looking out toward the empty park. “it’s peaceful.”
“i come here all the time too.” you muttered suspiciously. “i’ve literally never seen you here.”
then james quietly said, “yeah you have.”
you slowly looked at him again, confused.
your brain immediately started trying to remember every single time you’d come here alone.
there was always one other person.
that guy sitting on the bench across the park with his hood up.
the one who always sat there a few feet away while you cried to your old members about how miserable you were.
the one who somehow always appeared whenever you broke down.
realization hit so hard it genuinely made your stomach twist.
james looked away immediately.
“that was you?” your voice filled with disbelief instantly. “you were listening to all that?”
“oh my god.” you stood up immediately while wiping angrily at your face. “what is wrong with you people? seriously. does nobody here understand privacy?”
“first the diary and now this?” your voice started shaking again. “were you all secretly spying on me this entire time or what?”
you turned to leave but james quickly grabbed your wrist before you could walk away.
you tried pulling away. “why would i wanna listen to you right now?”
“because i’m trying to explain.”
you stared at him angrily while he slowly let go of your wrist.
for a second neither of you spoke.
then james sighed quietly before leaning back against the bench again.
“after trainee a ended, i stopped trusting people properly.”
your expression shifted slightly.
his voice sounded weirdly calm now.
“everybody got attached to each other and then everything just disappeared overnight.” he looked down at his hands. “i hated it.”
you stayed standing there silently.
“so when i got here and realized we were all probably debuting together, i just…” he shrugged weakly. “i didn’t wanna get attached again if everything was gonna fall apart.”
“it wasn’t because you’re a girl or because i hated you personally.” he said quietly. “i was just being careful.”
for some reason that made your anger weaken slightly.
“then why’d you suddenly start acting normal?” you muttered while sitting back down reluctantly.
“because now i know debut’s actually happening.”
you blinked at him. “how?”
“i searched around.” he shrugged. “apparently once a debut is less than five months away, companies usually can’t cancel it or randomly drop members anymore unless something huge happens.”
you stared at him silently.
you were actually debuting. with cortis. with all of them. there genuinely was no going back anymore.
the realization felt terrifying.
james glanced at you carefully before speaking again. “you should let them talk to you.”
you immediately looked annoyed again. “seriously?”
“i’m not saying forgive them immediately.” he said quickly. “but you guys are gonna be together for years probably. living together while hating each other like this is gonna destroy everybody.”
“they know they messed up.” he continued softly. “especially seonghyeon.”
“just let them apologize at least.” james sighed. “everything would be easier.”
you thought about it for a long moment while staring down at your hands.
honestly, you were exhausted.
exhausted from being angry. exhausted from avoiding everybody constantly. exhausted from feeling miserable all the time.
eventually you let out a defeated sigh.
“whatever.” you muttered quietly while standing up. “let’s just go back before it gets too late and they freak out again.”
james immediately grinned slightly while standing too. “you mean too early.”
you paused halfway through walking. “huh?”
“because last time we stayed out so long that by the time we got back it was morning so technically it was too early and-”
he stopped talking once he saw your exhausted expression.
you rolled your eyes while continuing toward the dorm.
when you both finally got back, the apartment was completely dark except for the kitchen light.
you quietly walked into your room expecting juhoon to be asleep already.
instead he was sitting upright on his bed staring directly at both of you.
all three of you got startled at the same time.
“jesus christ.” you muttered while clutching your chest.
juhoon looked deeply offended somehow. “could you two stop leaving me out? we’re supposed to be roommates.”
you stared at him blankly.
“because.” he crossed his arms dramatically. “i felt your presence missing from the room.”
james immediately snorted beside you.
you genuinely felt too exhausted to process whatever weird mood juhoon was in right now.
this was probably the most chalant he had ever acted around you in all the months you’d known him. somehow, despite the annoying delivery, you understood what he was trying to say.
this was his weird way of officially accepting you as his friend.
which honestly felt very on brand for him.
you sighed tiredly before climbing into bed.
you buried your face into your pillow while james quietly laughed from across the room.
for the first time in days, the room didn’t feel painfully tense anymore.
the next morning, you woke up staring blankly at the ceiling while the sound of yelling echoed from the kitchen.
plates clinked loudly against the counter while multiple voices talked over each other nonstop.
you sighed heavily while rubbing your face.
your entire body still felt tired from everything lately, but at least your chest didn’t feel as painfully heavy as before. honestly, after talking to james last night, avoiding everyone suddenly felt exhausting instead of comforting.
you stayed laying there for another minute debating if it was even worth going out there.
then your stomach growled.
you dragged yourself out of bed slowly and walked toward the kitchen with half open eyes, still looking barely alive. your face felt puffy from sleep and your hoodie sleeves covered most of your hands while you yawned loudly.
the second you stepped into the kitchen, the smell hit you immediately.
you blinked slowly at the pan sitting on the stove before grabbing one suspiciously with your fork.
it looked genuinely concerning.
“who made these?” you asked flatly.
“martin.” multiple people answered immediately.
you stared at the eggs again before quietly putting them back down.
you looked around the table for something edible instead, but the second your eyes landed on the bacon and sausages, your mood instantly worsened.
or at least what was left of them.
which was basically nothing.
the others still hadn’t fully noticed you standing there because they were too busy arguing over something stupid involving juice and expired milk.
then you noticed the only empty seat left right beside seonghyeon.
you stood there for a second contemplating if starving would actually be easier.
eventually you sighed internally and walked over anyway before sitting down beside him.
the second you did, the entire table went silent.
it wasn’t the uncomfortable type though. it felt more like everybody collectively stopped breathing at the same time because they were scared to ruin the moment.
seonghyeon looked genuinely nervous sitting beside you.
james barely reacted at all except for the tiny glance he sent you from across the table.
juhoon kept eating cereal like absolutely nothing important was happening.
you ignored all of them completely while looking down at seonghyeon’s plate.
your eyes narrowed immediately.
this idiot had practically all the remaining bacon and sausages piled onto his plate.
you slowly looked at him.
without saying anything, you reached over, grabbed almost all the bacon and sausages from his plate, and dumped them directly onto yours.
seonghyeon stared in disbelief. “hey that’s-”
you cut him off instantly with one glare.
the silence somehow became even more awkward.
martin looked seconds away from laughing. keonho stared at the table trying not to react. james lowered his head slightly like he was hiding a smile.
then suddenly juhoon spoke out of nowhere. “bacon bacon bacon.”
you frowned immediately. “juhoon, what?”
“seriously what does that even mean?” martin groaned.
“he’s lost it.” keonho muttered.
juhoon kept eating cereal calmly like none of you understood his genius. “i’m just ahead of my time.”
“okay you say that every time you say something stupid though.” martin replied immediately.
“we dont want to get you.”
you shook your head tiredly while taking another bite of food. “whatever that means.”
seonghyeon kept glancing at you every few seconds like he expected you to disappear again if he looked away too long. eventually you noticed and sighed dramatically before shoving one piece of bacon back onto his plate.
“there.” you muttered. “before you start crying.”
“oh my god.” martin whispered.
“shut up.” you and seonghyeon both said at the exact same time.
james immediately started laughing.
the tension around the table loosened almost instantly afterward.
conversation slowly started again, though everyone still seemed weirdly careful around you like they were scared one wrong sentence would send you running away again.
to be fair, you couldn’t really blame them.
once you finished eating, you stood up and carried your plate toward the sink while everyone continued talking behind you.
you rinsed it quickly before walking over to the living room and dropping onto the couch.
the dorm still felt warm from all the noise and movement around you.
you grabbed the remote and turned on netflix while pretending not to notice the way multiple people were subtly looking at you from the kitchen.
after a few minutes, you heard footsteps approaching before the couch suddenly dipped beside you.
without looking over, you already knew it was seonghyeon.
he sat there awkwardly for a second before quietly speaking.
you kept staring at the netflix screen silently.
he sighed softly. “i know saying sorry doesn’t fix anything. i just…” he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “i genuinely didn’t realize how bad things got for you.”
you stayed quiet for a moment.
then finally muttered, “you guys suck at communicating.”
he laughed quietly under his breath. “i know.”
you finally glanced at him briefly. “if anyone touches my stuff again i’m actually setting this dorm on fire.”
then, after a second, he carefully pushed a small unopened chocolate milk toward you.
you stared at it suspiciously, then grabbed it anyway. “coworkers.” you corrected him.
from the kitchen, martin whispered dramatically to keonho, “we are so back.”
“can you shut up? we still haven’t apologised.” keonho groaned.
you rolled your eyes while opening netflix properly.
you sat quietly on the balcony while the sun slowly disappeared behind the buildings.
the city looked pretty from up there. warm orange light reflected off the windows of nearby apartments while the sky slowly darkened into soft shades of pink and purple. cars moved below like tiny lights, distant conversations echoed from the street, and for the first time in a while, your head actually felt quiet.
everything had changed so quickly these past few weeks that it almost made you dizzy thinking about it.
a month ago you were convinced you’d never survive living in this dorm.
but now things were…okay.
you leaned back further in the chair while staring at the sunset silently, pulling your hoodie sleeves over your hands absentmindedly.
then suddenly you heard muffled arguing through the glass door behind you.
you frowned immediately before turning around.
martin and keonho were standing right outside the balcony door looking painfully awkward.
both of them froze the second they realized you noticed them.
martin immediately pointed at keonho. “you open it.”
“why me?” keonho whispered aggressively.
“because she likes you more.”
“she literally does not.”
“okay but she definitely likes you more than me.”
“can’t you just open it? you’re the leader!”
you stared at them blankly through the glass for a few seconds before rolling your eyes.
you stood up and slid the balcony door open yourself before immediately walking back to your chair without saying anything.
both of them looked weirdly relieved.
they stepped outside awkwardly before hesitating again once they realized there was only one empty chair left.
martin immediately sat down, so now keonho just awkwardly stood there near the railing while shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.
for a few seconds nobody spoke.
the silence wasn’t bad though, just awkward.
eventually martin cleared his throat dramatically. “so.”
you glanced at him. “so.”
keonho sighed heavily while leaning against the railing. “he’s trying to apologize but he practiced this speech in the mirror for twenty minutes and now he forgot everything.”
martin ignored him before looking back at you again, expression unusually serious now. “we genuinely didn’t realize things got that bad.”
you looked down quietly at your hands.
he continued softly, “that’s not an excuse by the way. we still acted horribly. i just…” he sighed. “i think all of us got too caught up in stress and stupid competition stuff.”
“and being idiots.” keonho added immediately.
“yeah.” martin nodded. “that too.”
you stayed quiet for a moment before finally speaking honestly. “it felt personal.”
both of them immediately looked guilty.
“like genuinely personal.” your voice stayed calm now, but quieter. “because no matter what i did, it always felt like you guys already decided you didn’t like me.”
keonho frowned slightly. “it wasn’t because of you being a girl.”
“then what was it?” you finally asked while looking directly at them. “because i seriously never understood what i did wrong.”
martin leaned back in his chair with a tired sigh. “i think everyone was just scared.”
“the debut got more serious.” he explained quietly. “suddenly everything felt real. we all started overthinking everything. rankings, popularity, who fit the group best.” he laughed bitterly. “you came in and immediately fit perfectly.”
you stared at him silently.
“and instead of acting normal about it, everybody got weird.” he admitted. “especially because the company clearly liked you.”
keonho rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “plus we already knew each other before you joined. not super close, but enough that it was easier sticking together.”
“which left me by myself.”
neither of them denied it.
martin looked genuinely ashamed now. “yeah.”
silence settled over the balcony again.
this time it felt heavier.
“you know what the worst part was?” you finally asked quietly. “i actually kept trying to convince myself i was imagining things.”
keonho frowned immediately.
“because every time i thought maybe you guys hated me, i’d tell myself i was being dramatic.” you laughed softly without humor. “then i’d walk into the kitchen and everyone would suddenly go quiet.”
martin looked like he wanted to disappear.
“i started memorizing everyone’s schedules because i got tired of feeling unwanted all the time.” you admitted quietly. “that’s embarrassing.”
“it’s not embarrassing.” keonho said immediately.
before anyone could speak again, the balcony door suddenly opened behind you.
all three of you turned around.
seonghyeon stood there awkwardly holding two cans of soda in one hand.
he looked nervous immediately once he realized the conversation had already gotten serious.
“yes.” martin answered instantly.
“ignore him.” keonho sighed.
seonghyeon hesitated for a second before stepping outside anyway. he quietly handed one of the sodas to you before awkwardly sitting on the floor since all the chairs were taken.
the four of you sat there in silence for a few moments while the sky continued getting darker.
then finally seonghyeon spoke quietly.
you looked at him. he looked exhausted.
“not just about the diary.” he continued slowly. “about everything.”
his voice sounded genuine enough that it made your chest hurt slightly.
“i honestly didn’t realize how bad things got until i read that page.” he admitted quietly while staring down at the soda can in his hands. “which makes me sound horrible because obviously i should’ve realized before that.”
“but reading that…” he swallowed slightly. “it genuinely made me feel sick.”
“because while you were sitting there feeling miserable, i thought we were all just being awkward around each other.” he laughed bitterly. “i didn’t realize you were hurting that badly.”
“you still shouldn’t have read it.”
“that was seriously messed up.”
“i know.” he repeated quietly.
for once, nobody tried defending themselves. nobody made excuses. they just listened.
and honestly, that mattered more than you expected.
the conversation kept going after that.
martin admitted he sometimes got defensive and competitive without realizing it. keonho admitted he usually copied the mood around him instead of thinking for himself. seonghyeon admitted he avoided difficult conversations so much that problems just kept growing worse instead.
that you isolated yourself too quickly. that you struggled trusting people. that you bottled everything up until it exploded all at once.
at some point the conversation stopped feeling tense entirely.
martin eventually started making stupid jokes again halfway through the conversation, which somehow made everything feel more normal.
keonho complained about his legs hurting from standing so long.
seonghyeon quietly stole your soda at one point and immediately got yelled at for it.
and somewhere during all of that, you realized your chest didn’t feel heavy anymore.
you looked around at the three idiots sitting around you while the city lights flickered below the balcony and for the first time since joining the company, you were actually happy with how things were.
one month before debut, life became actual insanity.
every single day blurred together into practice rooms, vocal lessons, camera tests, interviews, dance rehearsals, recording sessions, fittings, meetings. sometimes you woke up genuinely confused about what day it was because everything felt exactly the same.
everyone looked exhausted all the time.
james kept falling asleep in random places whenever he sat still longer than five minutes. martin became even louder somehow because apparently sleep deprivation made him incapable of using an indoor voice. seonghyeon looked permanently annoyed at existence. juhoon started drinking enough iced americanos to concern everybody. and keonho had developed the terrifying ability to sleep sitting upright in vans between schedules.
you had started forgetting entire conversations halfway through them because your brain constantly felt fried. there were days where your legs hurt so badly after practice that you had to drag yourself into bed.
your manager eventually started looking concerned.
especially because half of you looked seconds away from collapsing during rehearsals.
so after almost three straight hours of dramatic begging from all six of you, your manager finally sighed and gave in.
“fine.” he rubbed his forehead tiredly while staring at everybody. “one day off.”
the room immediately exploded.
martin screamed loud enough to scare the staff outside.
keonho literally dropped to his knees dramatically.
james looked close to tears.
“but only because y/n won’t stop pulling the ‘i’m fifteen’ card every ten minutes.” your manager pointed accusingly at you.
you gasped dramatically. “that’s discrimination against minors.”
after that, everybody somehow became even more unbearable from excitement.
honestly though, things had been going unbelievably well lately.
you genuinely loved these idiots now.
somewhere along the way, the dorm stopped feeling temporary.
it actually felt like home.
you trusted them completely now, which still felt insane considering how things started between all of you. sometimes you’d randomly think back to those first few months and physically cringe from how awkward and miserable everything used to be.
now you couldn’t imagine life without them.
you all acted like siblings at this point.
especially after allday project debuted successfully a month before cortis.
everybody had been nervous about how the public would react to another co-ed group, but people loved them almost immediately. suddenly everybody online started talking about how refreshing co-ed groups were again.
then cortis got officially announced.
and the internet completely lost its mind.
clips from your auditions leaked somehow. people started digging up old trainee videos. fan accounts appeared overnight. there were literally compilation videos of james breathing already.
“this is terrifying.” juhoon muttered one night while staring at twitter.
“someone edited sparkles around my face.” martin sighed.
“someone edited you into shrek.” keonho replied immediately.
you honestly tried not thinking too hard about debut itself because every time you did, your stomach twisted violently.
right now though, none of that mattered because for once, all of you were finally asleep without alarms set for early schedules.
which should’ve been peaceful.
except it absolutely wasn’t.
you were deep asleep under your blanket when suddenly freezing cold water hit your entire body.
you screamed so loudly your own throat hurt while violently sitting upright.
there stood keonho holding an empty water bottle while smiling proudly like he’d just accomplished something life changing.
across the room, martin dumped another bottle of water directly onto james while seonghyeon absolutely drenched juhoon with a huge black plastic bucket. you honestly felt bad for him.
the entire dorm immediately erupted into chaos.
“you actual psychopaths!” james shouted while trying to shield himself with his blanket.
“you’re the definition of a bitch!” juhoon yelled.
martin was laughing so hard he could barely breathe while seonghyeon nearly fell over trying to escape juhoon throwing wet pillows at him.
meanwhile you were still sitting there soaked in freezing water while your brain slowly processed what just happened.
“you guys are actually so fucking…” you looked down at yourself mid sentence before freezing.
your soaked white shirt had become completely see through.
you stared at keonho in disbelief.
“…i’m wearing a fucking white shirt, you perv!”
keonho’s smile disappeared instantly.
“what?!” he immediately screamed while violently covering his eyes with one hand and turning away. “i didn’t know!”
“i literally can’t see anything right now!”
martin collapsed onto the floor laughing.
james looked over, immediately choked on air, then aggressively shoved seonghyeon toward the door. “everybody out!”
“i didn’t even look!” seonghyeon defended himself immediately.
you groaned loudly before standing up while wrapping your blanket tightly around yourself.
“i can’t even enjoy my damn…” you walked past keonho before harshly kicking the back of his knee hard enough to make him nearly collapse.
“…mornings anymore.” you finished grumbling while dragging yourself toward the bathroom.
halfway there, you suddenly stopped.
you stared blankly at the wall for a second before sighing dramatically and dragging yourself back toward your room.
the chaos somehow got worse in the thirty seconds you were gone.
james and juhoon were both yelling at martin and seonghyeon while soaking wet pillows flew across the room. meanwhile keonho had apparently recovered enough to start filming everything on his phone while laughing.
“this is evidence for future documentaries.” he announced loudly.
“delete that before i kill you.” juhoon snapped.
you shoved keonho hard while walking past him again.
“because you deserve it.”
you shot him another glare before opening your closet.
honestly, the sight still made something warm settle in your chest sometimes.
a few months ago, all your stuff stayed packed inside your suitcase because part of you genuinely believed you wouldn’t last here long enough to unpack properly.
now your clothes hung messily beside the others’. your skincare sat scattered across the desk beside juhoon’s stupid protein powders. random hoodies belonging to james somehow kept ending up on your chair. your shoes cluttered the floor beside everyone else’s.
you had even gone back to your old trainee dorm weeks ago to grab the rest of your belongings.
the stuff you purposely left behind because you thought there was no point bringing them here if you probably wouldn’t debut anyway.
the realization still hit you randomly sometimes.
you grabbed a dry shirt before pausing when you noticed something sitting on the top shelf of your closet.
for a second you just stared at it quietly.
then behind you, james suddenly spoke while still aggressively fighting seonghyeon for the water bottle.
“why are you staring into your closet like that.”
you immediately rolled your eyes. “shut up.”
“she’s having an emotional moment.” martin gasped dramatically from the floor.
“no you don’t.” keonho grinned.
you sighed quietly while closing the closet door.
annoyingly enough, he was right. You wished he wasnt though.
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