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Pls excuse my grammar, it’s 1am

Since summer was almost starting I’ve started and I haven’t really had stuff distract me, I’m usually on my own, thinking about myself and my future. Something I actually noticed months ago (but didn’t really want to think about), is how I’ve been getting increasingly more uncomfortable or somehow disappointed whenever I’m referred to as a girl/woman/female. Not in the way that I tell them to stop or something. I just nod or don’t say anything at all, cus inoukntI just feel weirdly disconnected to what it usually means or feels like to be a girl.

Also noticed how, whenever I see someone who is genderqueer or trans in some way, I smile and think “Wow they seem so free from this world and embrace how we’re all simply humans and the binary is kinda weird. I wish I knew what that felt like”, totally normal for a totally cis girl. I sometimes wish I was born in an alternate timeline where nobody is gendered, but just all treated like humans. And it wasn’t till I casually mentioned those things to my friend how everyone feels that way and how every girl sometimes wishes she looked like a guy (not just masc, a guy), that I realized these weren’t universal.

I present in a pretty feminine and fun way (plus I love makeup), and feel like myself when I dress like that. But part of the reason I like presenting so femininely is because I like how I look in those silhouettes, etc. (look good, feel good. I’ve improved immensely when it comes to my self esteem). But every single time I try out a more masculine silhouette or styling, and I end up just changing. I know very clearly that gender presentation isn’t reliant on gender identity, but I do in fact want to try out more masculine looks because I honestly get jealous of men and masculine people. But since I feel that I don’t look good and all my physical insecurities are highlighted, I don’t feel good.

I thought “Oh well, I’m just feminine. Even if I was born a man, I would still be feminine in some shape or form”. But I feel like I’m not allowing myself to explore that part of my identity.

There’s also several reasons for why, even if I figure myself out, I wouldn’t come out. Some are career related, others love life related, but I won’t really get into it.