angel with the plucked wings

when your eyes open up on the hail mary, you're confused for a total of 20 seconds before the protocol that you'd been trained for kicks in.

"eye movement detected... what's two plus two?"

it's like a sleeper agent being woken up. your voice is scratchy but you rasp out: "four."

"correct... what's the cube root of eight."

you weren't freaked out, you were prepared. you cough out: "two times e to the two-i-pi" as the feeling in your fingertips starts to come back.

"incorrect." you scoff: "fine... two."

"correct."

you pull your own feeding tube out, coughing, but handling it with as much grace as you could muster. you look around the room and notice that the other three beds are empty.

then you hear footsteps barreling towards the room, you're expecting to see commander yáo or maybe ilyukhina...

you were always scheduled to be on the hail mary, but waking up to the nerdy school teacher from stratt's vat in your face, was so unexpected.

"i don't know if you remember me. i'm dr. ryland grace."

he looked... clean. a stark contrast to your long hair, oily face, and long fingernails. you must have that induced coma glow that commander yáo jokingly warned you about before you were all put under.

... wait.

the first thing you ever say to grace is: "where are yáo and ilyukhina??"

he looked at you with remorse. that frightened you.

you look over at the other pods before looking back at dr. grace, horrified.

finding out that your colleagues--no, close friends--had perished in their comas was devastating news to take in 11.9 lightyears from home on a suicide mission. it doesn't matter if you signed up to leave or not. you didn't sign up for their lives to be gone so soon.

"i know that this must be a lot to take in y/n. i'm here if you need to talk about it-"

he knew your name. it's printed on your suit, but still. how long were you out? how long was he awake before you woke up? how long were your friends dead before you came to?

you're almost hyperventilating, standing up against your better judgement and stumbling. dr. grace thinks better of trying to steady you. you need space. it's clear that you're trying to calm down, but failing: "please, just- give me a second!... my friends are dead, dr. grace."

he shuts up at that. you close your eyes briefly, steadying yourself on the wall, trying to remember your training.

you work through some mental exercises before calming down enough to settle your breathing and heart rate.

you apologize, and he nods, accepting it.

he's not really what you needed, but you'll take it... if not for him, you'd be completely alone. or so you thought...

just then, an extraterrestrial rock thing comes barreling into view in a glass hamster ball.

you yell and point, scrambling back into the wall: "what the hell is that thing?!!"

you freak out for a good 5 minutes inspecting the rock alien. you're an astronaut but you're 11.9 lightyears from home right now and you've never seen some shit like this before.

"i am rocky! what is your name, question?"

you hesitate, looking to grace for a second: "... you could have given him any name and you landed on 'rocky'?" what a freaking nerd.

he shrugs with a small, proud smirk as you turn your gaze back to rocky and answer unable to accept the truth: "... [your nationality] mission specialist y/n l/n..."

rocky immediately comes up with a silly nickname for you: "it is good that we have met! i will call you [random nickname]."

grace chimes in: "no rocky, you can't give people nicknames when you've just met them-"

rocky cuts him off: "name of nick means i like y/n."

grace sighs: "okay, buddy."

you wipe your face with your arm and grace begins helping you clean up, giving you space and privacy when you need it.

over the course of the next few days, you begin to bond as a group.

you know what they say: two heads (and a smart alien) are better than one.

you work with grace on calculating the exact conditions needed to safely pilot the hail mary along tau ceti's atmosphere to collect enough of the taumoeba samples.

he looks over at your writing and notices that you're working the calculations out a lot faster than he is.

grace moves and stands just behind your seated form, one hand resting on the table, the other on his hip, slightly leaning over you; the classic "teacher glancing over a student's work" stance.

well, not exactly in this context. he may be a science teacher with a doctorate, but you're an experienced astronaut with a doctorate.

you're a little faster at working out problems than he is (something that they taught you at [your nationality's space agency] before your very first space walk. work fast and accurately under pressure. if a mission goes wrong, it could be life or death. very different from the stress in a middle school setting.

grace mutters, impressed and relieved at how much of a help you are: "god... i wish you'd woken up when i did, y/n."

you don't look up from your work, but a small smile creeps over your face, pleased with his reaction, but more so proud of yourself.

a few days later, you're both in the lab. you're each sat at tables on opposite ends of the room, working on your own projects.

20 minutes of tinkering with xenonite go by before you hear crunching noises.

you look across the room at grace to see that he's snacking on skittles. he hasn't caught your gaze.

you look away immediately, pretending you didn't see it as you return to writing xenonite's chemical properties in your notebook.

you huff to yourself (definitely not trying to get grace's attention): "man, i wish i had some skittles right now..."

after a few seconds of silence, you look up from your notebook, giving him an innocent, yet knowing look.

grace is already looking at you, his left ear resting against his left palm with his elbow propped on the table. he looks unamused before he breaks character and chuckles, standing up and walking towards you.

when he reaches you, he stands over you and you put your palm out and up in front of you.

he pours about 10 skittles into your palm before continuing to snack on the remaining pieces left in the bag.

you turn back to your work and grace observes just like before. he loves watching you work out problems.

from that day on, you and grace are popping skittles in the lab during your projects like they're tic-tacs.

grace loves sharing his skittles with you but never says it, it just becomes your thing.

problem is, you're not really supposed to eat with your fingers after touching xenonite with your bare hands. fun to play with, not to eat!

so you had an idea.

you're mid-experiment when you call out to grace from across the lab: "hit me," lining yourself up for the catch, still with a xenonite figurine in hand.

grace, always the package holder, puts two and two together easily and turns around from his work with a skittle pinched between his thumb and index finger.

he takes aim and throws it across the lab.

you actually catch it in your mouth, surprising you both.

both his and your arms shooting up at the same time in victory. he does his signature clap and yells out: "that's what i'm talking about, baby!"

you're both smiling as you immerse yourselves back into work.

this all becomes habit. skittles are apart of the lab routine now.

as with literally everything that you and grace do, rocky feels the need to question and learn about it.

both you and grace are sitting in the lab, but he's the only one working right now. you're just snacking and keeping him company from across the room when rocky rolls up to your feet: "what is colorful pebble, question?"

"it's a skittle, rock... here," you reach out to him with a singular green skittle in your hand.

when you hand it over, rocky's crystalline receptacle wraps around it: "does green colored pebble taste like what earth people call 'grass,' question?"

you breath out a small laugh: "no, it's lime. see?... the flavors are on the package."

you grab the package on the lab table and hand it over to rocky without thinking.

upon inspection, rocky innocently flips the half full, ripped-open bag upside down, and they all fall out; bouncing as they hit the floor and spread in every direction.

as the chaotic clattering cuts through the air, you let out a short breathy laugh. your head falls forward, and your eyes screw shut in disbelief before you deadpan to catch grace's expression.

he's already looking between you and rocky with an incredulous look, muttering out a short, stern: "i'm not cleaning that."

the way that you're holding back a smile causes him to break his faux-stern look and smirk a little before turning back to his work.

you look back at rocky: "don't worry, buddy. i'll get it."

now, you're picking up the skittles, collecting them in your hand as rocky rolls around and repeats: "dirty, dirty, dirty."

you try to hold in your laughter, knowing that grace is probably getting distracted by the two of you: "come on, rock. let's go to the dormitory so grace can focus on his nerd math."

grace speaks up, not picking his head up from his work: "i heard that!"

you giggle as you and rocky rush into the dormitory section of the ship together like mischievous kids.

_____________

(context)

you, Ville, and Bam have been platonic soulmates since the three of you first got to know each other in May of 2000.

not long after, you naturally started going out for drinks together.

... sure, Bam has the jackass and cky crew, and Ville has his bandmates, but everyone knows that you three are a tight trio.

(before you leave your hotel suite for the bar)

you always remember to bring spare cigarettes and a lighter for Ville, sliding a pack of his favorites into your bag or into Bam's back pocket when you don't have pockets/a bag of your own.

Bam always makes a joke about you using his back pocket as "storage" an excuse to cop a feel on his ass.

(you never confirm or deny it).

you and Ville make a habit of picking out Bam's bar-night outfits, and Bam usually loves whatever you agree on.

Bam nearly ate asphalt last time he skated drunk, so you banned him from bringing his board when you go out for drinks.

(in the bar)

you and Ville both know that Bam doesn't really have a filter, so you and Ville might have to apologize for Bam when he starts climbing things [bar counters, benches, outdoor statues] (you and Ville think it's the funniest shit ever).

Ville is 6'1", so he's naturally easy to locate if you ever get separated in the bar.

Bam on the other hand, is not (i mean, he's two apples tall).

when he's got 4 drinks in, Bam likes to roam around any and all bars you get into.

God forbid it's an outdoor bar or a venue with upstairs and downstairs sections because you WILL lose Bam for an unexpected period of time. not to worry though. you always find him... he's got loud laugher when he's drunk.

(drunk roaming around LA after leaving the bar)

when you leave the bar, the three of you like to roam around and bullshit around town, sometimes filming your shenanigans...

as the three of you walk and laugh at your stupid inside jokes or that time when Ehren had a beard glued to him made of Bam and Ville's pubes, Bam stops frequently to do spontaneous shit:

"hey y/n, watch this!" (lands a surprisingly coordinated parkour trick despite being piss drunk and catches back up with you and Ville, who have continued to walk).

when you walk [stumble] around downtown, Ville is on your right, Bam is on your left, and you're always in the middle.

sober Ville is naturally nonchalant, but drunk Ville likes to hold your hand when you walk together.

(Ville never talks about how happy he gets when you accept his hand, but it's pretty apparent considering how he gets very smiley).

once that happens, you're the one who reaches your left hand out for Bam.

he's smiley and vocal with you about how much he loves it:

"can't lie, this shit is cute."

bam stumbles a lot and sometimes leans into you as you walk. even when he's plastered and cackling in your ear because of something stupid that Ville muttered, he appreciates that you don't mind or get annoyed. you two are a perfect pair.

when Ville's drunk, he looks at you like you're an angel.

Ville is upright, but his words slur more than yours or bam's: "y/nnn, dear... do y0u havve a ccigareettee??"

you reach into your bag or Bam's back pocket (surely copping a feel this time, causing Bam to yell out: "WOAHHH") to grab the spare pack and lighter.

Ville pulls you into him and kisses the top of your head as you hand the items over: "thank youu, angel."

Bam is veeery affectionate when he's drunk.

He loves kissing your cheek throughout the night.

Ville is stoked when he walks into a bar and there's a live band playing.

he nods to the music and is sometimes recognized among the crowd, being asked by the frontman of said band to take over part of the set and sing a little.

Ville sometimes runs off from your group because he enjoys "stealing" a guitar from live bands when he's drunk (is it really stealing if they're giving it to him for an hour?), prompting Bam to look at you and state: "Ville's on a drunken guitar mission."

Ville's very musically experimental when the bar closes up, and he's out back of the bar with the live band, strumming and singing little tunes as they pack up their equipment.

oh and Bam likes to grab Ville's ass randomly, doesn't matter how public the area is (he is going to cop a feel and Ville will either [1] hit him, [2] chase him off, [3] a combination of 1 and 2, or [4] laugh and cop a feel back [Bam will blush]).

(when you get back to the hotel)

all that Bam is immediately concerned with when you get home from the bar is cuddling you and Ville.

kicks off his Adio x Bam black and purple heartagram shoes and autopilots straight to the bed.

while Bam is talking to himself, facedown on the hotel's king-sized bed, you usually end up in the kitchen with Ville, grabbing all three of your water bottles.

luckily, you were smart enough to buy them their own water bottles for nights like these when their blood content is more alcohol than water (they do not hydrate or eat before they drink bc they're insane).

you bought the same brand of bottles for the three of you, but there are three ways that you tell your water bottles apart:

1) Bam's water bottle is purple and Ville's is black because ofc they are.

2) Bam customized his water bottle as soon as you gifted it to him with heartagram stickers and drew all over it with sharpies.

3) Ville didn't mess with his bottle's design other than tying a black and a pink bracelet that a fan made for him to the bottle loop.

once you and Ville change into your pajamas and brush your teeth, it's a bumbling, giggly struggle to get Bam upright to do the same.

once you three are in your pajamas, hydrated, and ready for bed, you lay down together and Bam initiates cuddles by:

laying on his side facing you, resting his head on your shoulder and throwing one of his legs over your legs.

Ville loves being your pillow just as much as you love to be Bam's.

Ville reaches around you to give Bam a scalp massage as he sleepily mumbles about an idea he has for a new music video that he wants Bam to direct tomorrow.

Ville's hair smells like cigarettes, and Bam's rings are cold against your skin, but you don't mind at all (you'll be doing the same thing next Saturday night anyway).

_____________________________

thanks for reading!! please please please comment on whether you liked it or not, i won’t bite (unless you ask first). if you have any suggestions on how to make this better or headcanons you want me to write just lmk <3

(context)

- when you started dating 2 years ago, bam definitely made the rest of the jackasses sign contracts stating that they would leave you out of ANY and ALL their future pranks.

- he never openly admits that to you btw…

- it’s just a silent contractual agreement among the other jackasses that they’ll leave you out of their harsh pranks because he knows damn well he’d kill any of them for messing with you (that’s his job).

- but he does take the liberty of pranking you once in a while. it’s in his nature, he can’t help it.

- you were aware of the risk of being a prank victim when you met bam, so you figured you could handle it, right?? wrong.

- let’s just say there’s a reason he doesn’t take it too far with you (anymore)…

(1 year into your relationship)

- you’d been featured in every Viva La Bam episode from when you two started dating to that fateful morning… laughing at the pranks bam played on others and the ones that got played on him.

- it was all fun and games until he took a prank too far with you for some Viva La Bam content…

- the week before he pulled the prank on you, he heard through the grapevine (from Ryan) that you’d love to buy (your favorite car) someday.

- you know that Bam loves destroying vehicles (especially for some footage), but you never figured it’d be your own…

- that fateful morning, you’d woken up and realized bam wasn’t beside you in bed.

- that wasn’t entirely unusual… but what was unusual was the fact that he didn’t wake you up to kiss you goodbye before he left Castle Bam (like he typically did on the rare occasions that he wakes up before you).

- maybe he was still in the house? he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, right??

- you got up from bed and walked over to the window overlooking the driveway, checking to see if Bam’s hummer was still there. it was.

- you think: huh, that’s odd—

- wait a damn minute… where did your car go??

- you were CERTAIN you’d parked your car right next to Bam’s hummer last night. and now? it’s gone.

- you brushed your teeth, threw on some clean clothes, grabbed the keys to Bam’s hummer he left in his nightstand and texted him: ‘where’d you go? did you move my car?’

- Bam sent you just an address back: ‘225 S Worthington St, West Chester, PA 19382’. cryptic, but not out of character. you figured he was up to something, but you didn’t know what.

- you got in Bam’s hummer and drove over there. you knew that street, you’d passed it before. only a 20 minute drive.

- when you pulled up and saw a sign ‘West Chester Metal Recycling, you parked the hummer.

- you looked around, saw Ryan’s motorcycle parked at the side of the building, started putting the pieces together, and RAN.

- you heard a commotion and Bam’s distinct laugh behind the large building and hurried that way.

- among a bunch of random totaled cars that were scrapped to the bones… you saw Bam, Ryan, and Bam’s camera crew cackling as they operated the scrapyard company’s industrial hydraulic press, crushing your car into a pancake.

- when the camera crew realized that you’d arrived, they pointed their lenses at you to get your reaction as content for the future Viva La Bam episode.

- your car wasn’t the only thing that was being crushed…

- tears welled up in your eyes as you watched, remembering the valuable items you left in the car that were now destroyed.

- once bam realized how upset you were, he told the crew to cut the cameras, made Ryan apologize to you for taking part, drove you home in his hummer, talked with you about it and apologized for weeks.

- he had all the footage of the incident deleted before he aired that season (that Viva La Bam season was an episode shorter than he originally planned lol).

- he felt SO BAD that he couldn’t give you back your valuable items that he bought you a car with the same make, model, year, and color as the one he crushed.

- AND bought (your favorite car) in your favorite color.

- sooo now you own 2 cars 🤗

- after the constant apologies and the new cars, you swore to him that you’d gotten over it, but in those 3 months following the incident he turned himself into your bitch.

- bought you anything else you looked at.

- clothes? yours.

- newest phone? yours.

- the finest food on fancy dates in cute locations? yours.

- never complained or hesitated when trying to make it up to you. did it all on his own accord.

(now, 1 year post-incident)

- he has both your cars regularly washed and maintenanced without you having to lift a finger or ask.

- he makes sure to keep it lighthearted with his pranks.

- he wasn’t thinking critically that morning, but he loves you i stg.

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my first official tumblr post for the 9 other jackass fans out there, kinda nervous.

constructive criticism and general comments welcome! thanks for reading!!

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