it's not meant to be

Cracked open, spilled out, Vulnerability at its core. The rise and fall of my own security- Subjectivity leaves me alone. I put faith into nothing. Idealism against realism, Conflict stirs in my open heart- A feeling worthwhile. How can I feel so much from so little? I've done more over less; Desperately inconsistent. What am I looking for? Uncontrollable, unknown. Untapped potential never to be reached- But what would we make if it could? An unanswered dream. Irrevocable, to me- Every moment is worth more than nothing. Your kiss could be everything, I try not to think of it.

You're everything I never knew I wanted, (combined with what I knew I did). Holding my breath, Afraid of falling when I'm already there. All the walls I've put up, you walk right through them. My heart is outside of me now -  leaving only effervesence; I don't know where this came from, but I don't want it to stop.

I got too drunk that I couldn't remember my own name. You got so drunk that you didn't remember the girls name who's legs you were in between. I need some validation, can someone tell me how to find the ground? Things are falling apart, I don't know how to grab the pieces, I don't know how to put myself together not through this

1. I was 13 and you kissed me while I should have been in math class. I broke you when I left, I broke myself for the next 5 years regretting it. 2. You were the second person I ruined, you wouldn't be the last. You would sneak into my house while my parents were asleep, it took years to realize that sex didn't fix us. I could have talked to you forever. It's hard to accept you exist, sometimes. I'm still sorry. 3. I kissed you because I knew you were leaving anyways, I tried to love you because I was bored. It took next to nothing to get over you. 4. You went from a friend to a lover in seconds flat. You gave me the flu, I gave you a year. I still think about your moms casseroles. (I still have your flu.) 5. I slept with you because I wanted to know what it was like to have sex without love. Over a year later I still wake up to you.

I tasted of vodka and smoke, you tasted of nothing at all- a bitter silence through misunderstnading, I didn't want you, anymore. our last kiss felt like nothing- not a feeling in the core of my soul told me that I felt anything at all for who you really are I will not give you any oppertunity, you will not unknowingly violate me nor get the chance to make my swallow the guilt you inflict on me our last kiss was permanent, a sign that the entirely of what was; it isn't any more. our last kiss meant nothing.

You invest too much emotion into your empty heart and trying to fill it. Too much delusion crossed with desperation, you're falling in too deep. Explaining reality to you is like trying to scream underwater. Trust as a concept dissolved into my morning coffee and I swallowed it for breakfast. Unfortunately for you it's a matter of time until I'm not the only one who dismisses you, Because all I see is a series of fantasies stitched together to resemble human flesh. I release you - Not a moment of my time will revolve around holding onto any emotion to you, You are nothing.

i. The suns beauty radiates above me, swallowing me completely whole. She gives life, she give hope- with power to drain it all away. The snow is cold enough to suffocate any man who dare to venture through it alone. A hard sparkling complexion, the sun reflects itself, or penetrates through, reviving and killing its entirety. ii. Your eyes are like a mirror, I see in you what I see inside myself. I am built up, and broken down, I am not alone. For when we met we created something separate, from what you and I were as individuals. Some thing fluid from within us, a raw and primal ache, for the pure and unattainable. I'm enamoured with every disease and decay it creates,u and every time it cures it. If not managed it will kill us; but it is death for the noble cause of love. iii. Life as a whole has us searching for a purpose, happiness is believed to be the end goal; I disdain, for happiness is merely a product of experience. It makes up only a fragment of what it takes to be alive. Every moment of despair, desolation, and defeat, is necessary to contrast the aspects of elation. One without the other is dry, one without the other is empty.

moving on is difficult, but moving past a concept is worse; I long to be indifferent, but it's still a work in progress. 

Everything still feels wide. I've stopped feeling my stomach or feeling the ground it's as if I'm dissolving into the deepest point just sinking, sinking I am buzzing I cannot feel anything but cold toes and restricted breath I can't stop being phoney I can't stay present

I feel deflated Because I care about you consistently And to hear that my behaviour can alter your affection makes me feel very irrelevant and vulnerable. Sick of being loved less, can't tolerate having more- just terribly unbalanced screaming internally for some piece of mind And a sense of security, just to know that anything is certain, but nothing ever is.

I need to escape you and reality once in a while, but even my coping methods are inadequate. Not sure how to maintain the stability you claim to hold intelligence and purpose. I long for a companion who at the least, can sympathize with the irrational mess of my thoughts. I long for a feeling I thought to exist, a person who was never truly there, a heart and mind who's matches neatly with my own. I'm left with a hole in my heart, a sickness in my core, I miss a place which doesn't exist, I miss anywhere but now Every time I feel contented, I always come back to the heavy weight And the thought of it all disappearing I can't tell the difference between reality, and what I tell myself is real