天谷奴

you broke into my house?

you were taking forever in the shower.

are you sleeping with this idiot?

never been thrown out of anywhere before in my life.

something very disturbing’s just happened. it’s horrific, really. for the second time, i’ve been thrown out of a woman’s house.

i mean, i appeal to the virile urge in all wo/men.

you need to go undercover, because you’re our best way in.

why is she able to refuse my charms?

people don’t have power over us. we give it to them. you have to take your power back.

i need to take back control. i need to behave like i always have.

i mean, it seems obvious now, actually - i need to have sex with her.

are you gonna help me or not?

you’re quite adorable when you’re flustered.

i’m not flustered, i’m nauseous.

okay, look. let me make myself perfectly clear: i will never, ever, ever sleep with you.

playing hard to get? i like it.

wow. you’ve never been rejected by a woman, have you?

the odds are definitely in your favour out there - probably not batting for the same team, but you never know. go forth and conquer. i know you want to.

i promise, if anyone here hurt your sibling, i’ll find them. and i’ll punish them.

if you weren’t so pent-up sexually, we’d be firing on all cylinders, i’d say.

i certainly don’t need any help getting wo/men into bed.

do you honestly think you can just ask people to have sex with you and they will?

you forget. i love pain.

men - they always want to talk!

we can get him/her back to where s/he belongs, if you could just provide me with a weak spot.

seriously, darling. are you well? the berries are ripe and ready to be harvested - i mean, look at me.

don’t. please.

if i get an STD from this thing, i’m gonna kill you.

is there anyone you suspect that might do this to you?

do not shush me.

a deal’s a deal - especially one with the devil.

i do believe there’s good and evil and right and wrong.

does it scare you?

i mean, how could i be scared of something i don’t believe in?

do i scare you?

either way, he’s going to get someone killed. probably himself.

this love thing makes you all quite stupid, doesn’t it?

just hand over the cash, and no one gets hurt.

i believe that’s a fair request, actually, so just pop her around and the money’s yours.

greedy little jackal, aren’t you?

what is it about you and guns, eh?

what’s up, jackass?

hell truly hath no fury like a woman scorned.

i happen to be an expert on punishment, and i’m not sure it fits the crime here.

chlamydia, the clap, a raging case of crabs - that’s what you deserve. not death.

why do humans think they can rectify one evil with another?

why does everyone say that before they’re punished?

come on, shoot me.

son of a bitch, that really hurts!

i don’t bleed!

i don’t lie. but i don’t always tell the whole truth.

can’t sleep when you’re not home.

the models don’t appear to be wearing any clothes.

you were shot and you bled. no sharp objects until we find out why.

the danger of getting hurt is positively thrilling.

now come on, tell me your most dangerous desire.

we need to get out of here now.

i am dreamy, but try to contain yourself.

i got a taste of danger, and i want more.

that whackjob’s gonna totally get me killed.

tomato, tom-ah-to.

see, that’s why we make such great partners - the ‘he said, she said’ of it all.

when do i get my own gun?

i wouldn’t trust you with my kid’s lightsaber.

if i’m gonna be forced to work with you again, i call the shots.

bloody hell! that hurt! do it again.

you know, i’m quite skilled in restraints.

let me guess, you did him a favour.

i process tragedy through my work.

that favour you owe me… i’m calling in my IOU.

i was trying to prevent more death.

well, aren’t we the little saint?

you are the oldest young person i’ve ever met.

i’m not gonna drink at a bar where everyone hates me.

did you ever consider that they hate you for that very reason?

well, somebody’s not being crowned homecoming queen, are they?

surely you’ve heard the expression 'deal with the devil’…?

people come to me to ask for favours and more often than not, i’m happy to oblige.

i don’t need your sympathy, but thank you.

firstly, let me state that i’m in no way standing up for my associate, but on behalf of myself, and only myself, i think you’re a complete sack of arse.

sadly, the only thing broken was that incontinent troll’s nose.

if i’m not going to look out for you, who will? hm?

maybe next time, i won’t be around to save your ass.

you and my backside used to get on well.

is it my thanks you want, or a kiss?

i don’t do favours for guys like you.

what is it with the men in my life?

act like a child, get treated like a child.

witnesses said they heard you making threats at the door.

no wonder he can’t get it up.

so you’re just gonna sit around and wait for revenge? that’s rather lazy.

i was promised a gang war, and instead, i get a crybaby. this is boring.

you know, they really don’t make bad guys like they used to.

after five years behind bars, a brothel would be my go-to.

i can’t be held responsible for what happens after i give someone a favour.

if there’s one thing the devil knows, it’s that people need to take responsibility for their own bad behaviour.

enough danger for you yet?

you do remember that bullets hurt, right?

you had your hero moment. stay down, or you’re gonna get shot.

ass saved. you’re welcome.

you’re addicted to creating chaos and seeing where the chips fall, to hell with the consequences.

you’re having another one of those 'gut feelings’, aren’t you?

you’ve already wasted so much of your life.

oh, well the good news is that whilst all dogs go to heaven, you’d be surprised how many pigs are waiting for you in hell.

you were never as good as me.

keep your enemies close, right?

who gave that order?

if you come clean now, i’ll go easy on you.

if you really want to do something, you should.

shall we move the party upstairs?

so what unpleasantness felled this heap of unrealised ambition then?

let’s pretend for one second that you’re someone else - someone nice. someone mature.

i mean, getting murdered is probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to him.

i gave up an epic foursome to be here.

call me when you’ve got a murder with a pulse - or at least someone good-looking.

i was hoping for a good shag just as a palate cleanser to wipe the foul taste of boredom from my mouth.

i need your help like i need a third boob.

- knew that was a mistake the moment it came out of my mouth.

i’ll have two tropic wonders and your face smashed into the ground.

i believe they call this interrogating!

we were like fish and chips - salt and pepper - hipsters and condescension!

if we’re gonna work together on this, you’re gonna have to trust me.

nobody steals from me and gets away with it.

he’s not gonna change.

i thought you said lying was a bad thing.

you’re not from around here, are you?

you can’t just smash two people together like barbies and think that that’s gonna fix things.

pardon the intrusion, you village people rejects, but one of you has stolen something that belongs to me.

please identify yourself, so i can punish you accordingly.

i thought we were past you thinking you’re invincible?

a few bad apples shouldn’t paint us all in a bad light, now should it?

you like being considered a criminal, don’t you?

he’s hiding something. we need to force it out of him.

i’ve sat in a parked car and not had sex.

have i done something to offend you?

ooh, whip out the cuffs then.

why shy away from a little bondage fun?

despite all your weirdness, i actually really like working with you.

i have never lied to you. and i will never lie to you.

been a while since i had a good hunt.

you’d never lie to me, right?

stick within the limits of your intellectual capacity.

why do they blame me for all their little failings?!

Send one to my muse for their reaction

“Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”

“You’re trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.”

“While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?”

“They’re terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.”

“I can cope with torture.”

“Get used to disappointment.”

“You’ve made your decision then?”

“Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.”

“I would sooner destroy a stained glass window than an artist like yourself.”

“Am I going mad, or did the word “think” escape your lips?”

“Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

“I admit it, you are better than I am.”

“You never said anything about killing anyone.”

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

“You mock my pain!”

“Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.”

“Do you always begin conversations this way?”

“This is true love; you think this happens every day?”

“Australia is entirely peopled with criminals!”

“There’s not a lot of money in revenge.”

“You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.”

“Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

“Anybody want a peanut?”

“I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.”

“Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”

“The battle of wits has begun.”

“I wasn’t nervous. Maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that’s not the same thing.”

“We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.”

“Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.”

“Isn’t there any way you trust me?”

“You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.”

“I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.”

“I told you I would always come for you. Why didn’t you wait for me?”

“I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.”

“You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.”

“What hideous sin have you committed lately?”

“Yes, you’re very smart. Shut up.”

“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.”

“That doesn’t leave much time for dilly-dallying.”

“Where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.”

“It would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable.”

“I challenge you to a battle of wits.”

“Look, I don’t mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me.”

“Do you hear that? That is the sound of ultimate suffering.”

“You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.”

if you wanna yell at me, go right ahead.

don’t ask me that. please.

stay in the bed. you’ll hurt yourself.

god doesn’t talk to me.

hey, first thing you have to do is take a breath, all right? everything’s gonna be okay.

sometimes, we get our asses kicked.

when’s the last time you slept?

i want you to tell me that i’m a bad person.

when someone in need tries to push you away, you have to find the strength to hold on tighter.

i was thinking that maybe i could come home for a little while.

(name) loves you like family. 

we need to talk.

god damn it. i’m such an idiot.

from – from the beginning.

go ahead and say it.

yikes.

that’s not proof. it won’t stick.

well, it’s just a backup plan.

they say the oldest memories stick around the longest.

think of it as a compliment. 

you’re a cold piece of work, aren’t you?

sometimes you and i have to hurt one person to save another.

if you say it was to protect me, i’m seriously gonna throw up.

you’ve had my back through all this? i don’t know how to thank you.

i’m sorry for scaring you.

you’re losing blood. i need to stitch you up.

shame on you.

how many fights have you been in this week?

yes. it’s offensive.

very christian of you.

is that a threat?

holy shit.

now it seems like all those conversations were just a goddamned lie.

love is the perfect prison.

❝ listen, i would never let anyone hurt you. ❞

❝ i’ve been having dreams. bad dreams. ❞

❝ you called this “home”. ❞

❝ learning this could save your life and those around you. ❞

❝ i got a big headache. ❞

❝ a great leap forward often requires taking two steps back. ❞

❝ you’re reckless, little one. ❞ 

❝ you carry a great sadness in your heart. ❞

❝ you’ve been through quite an ordeal, little one. ❞

❝ sometimes it takes courage to stick to one’s beliefs. ❞

❝ take heart, little one. ❞

❝ old sins cast long shadows. ❞

❝ i should’ve paid more attention. i should’ve tried harder. i – ❞

❝ how simple you make it, light and dark, as if there is one without the other. ❞

❝ you don’t have to look tough to be tough. ❞   

❝ see? i’m flesh and blood, just like you. ❞

❝ you and i go way back. if that’s where you feel your place is, then that’s where you belong. ❞

❝ i don’t need mind tricks to get you to talk. ❞ 

❝ is it worth being beaten to death? ❞

❝ thanks for coming after me. ❞

❝ sometimes the line between friend and foe is blurred. ❞

❝ this isn’t a mission for learning. you either do or die. ❞

❝ and if you don’t slow down, you’re not going to find what you’re looking for. ❞

❝ grow up. ❞

❝ in my life, when you find people who need your help, you help them, no matter what. i guess it’s just who i am. ❞

❝ buildings are just buildings. what really makes a city are the inhabitants who live in it. ❞ 

❝ when you’re a kid, you hear stories. i guess they’re not what i thought they would be. ❞  

❝ this is the only way. trust me. ❞

❝ not too talkative, are you? ❞

❝ sometimes in war, it’s hard to be the one that survives. ❞

❝ you couldn’t be a greater disappointment. ❞

bubblegum on the asphalt !

change around as you see fit!

“ i want to be like you. “

“ that is … literally illegal. you’re describing something illegal. “

“ what’s the plan here ? “

“ please just … come home. “

“ all i’m saying is that jurassic park could happen ! “

“ jeez , who pissed in your cornflakes this morning ? “

“ i’m a simple person. i see a cool rock , i pick it up. “

“ you’re so cute and i literally can not handle it right now , so i have to go— “

“ hey , uh , what do you got there ? “

“ we’re not friends. “

“ so , do you come here often or … ? “

“ slow down , i just want to get to know you … “

“ i’m angry at you ! i’m upset ! and you … you don’t even care ! “

“ will you promise to marry me in the future ? “

“ what are your thoughts on having kids ? “

“ oh , come on ! they were literally holding hands and becoming self aware of their own mortality ! it was a sad moment— stop laughing at me ! toy story 3 didn’t have to do us like that ! “

“ you’re my best friend. i’ll always have your back. “

“ … do you want to do something stupid with me ? “

“ you don’t have to be jealous , you know~ “

“ sing me a song. “

“ did you do this ? “

“ for once can you please be honest with me ? “

“ lets run away together. anywhere. i’m tired of this life. “

“ are you binge watching that show on netflix again ? “

“ how much britney spears i’ve listened to in the last 72 hours is none of your business ! “

“ god … i can’t look away , it’s like my eyes are drawn to it. “

“ why are you leaving ? “

“ admit it … i drive you wild. “

“ you’re so infuriating. “

“ i hate this town. “

“ i’m one call away , okay ? just one call. “

“ you want me so bad , don’t you ? “

“ i’ll just live in the forest as a goblin. “

“ you don’t know what i’m capable of. “

“ you want a tattoo of what now ? “

“ i can’t believe i’m confessing this but … i really really like you. “

“ look me in the eye when you’re breaking my heart ! you don’t get to look away , dammit ! “

“ i can’t believe we’ve just sat here for four hours and have done nothing. “

“ hey , hey , hey … guess what ? “

“ you are my platonic soulmate. “

“ someone thought we were a couple so like , we totally just hit best friend goals. “

“ the bigger the boobs , the stronger they are. that’s anime logic , at least. “

“ i can’t believe i fell in love … like an idiot. “

“ i’ve never fallen in love before … what’s it like ? “

“ hello ? 911 ? i’d like to report a murder of my remaining brain cells …. “

“ wow , look who remembered my existence. “

“ you want to hear a story ? oh uh … well … uh … l — let me tell you all about how this boy’s life got flipped turned upside down— “

“ … not many people really talk to me … “