engraved on a rune

i will never not think about you, i will never not remember our memories, i will never not despise you for what you have done; you’ve broken me for others. thought i was perfect for you, the one for you and your horrible days; your cheerleader.

i thought i fit your mold, i tried my best to fit in it… but while i was finally settling in you kicked me out, left me astray in the midst of being the one for you and for that i will never forgive you. i always gave you second chances, i won't pretend i was perfect, but you’re no better either; you might just be even worse. 

shattered pieces of me that i have yet to pick up try to find their other half, not another piece of me, but you; they search for you. trying to pick it all up myself with full hands is so tiring, shards digging deeper into my skin the harder i hold onto them - i should just take it slow. blood prickling from my wounds, staining my shards, they will never look the same, we will never be the same; because of you, because of us…

i always get told to throw out my shards, they can't be fixed, we won't ever be fixed; but the stain looks so pretty, it used to be so good -  how could i just throw it out?

how could you throw us out

like we were nothing, like i didn’t even leave a mark, that maybe there isn’t even a sliver of pain in your wretched heart i loved so dearly. you prove me right in so many ways, if i wasn’t right about you being a good man, i can be right about this; i know who you are now

you are not even half of the man my father said i deserve

i’m so scared that i’ll be replaced

but knowing you, you deserve better

i want to let myself be scared, be replaced

draw away and shut my mouth to never speak again

i so selfishly want you to miss me

i know i don't deserve much

but can i atleast keep this?

if i let myself be replaced

i will feel my heart ache

but i live to see you thrive

what should i do to fight my fear?

give in, draw away, let it happen?

or should i fight to keep you near

would i have to fight if i didnt think like this?

if i wasn't so selfish

then maybe i wouldn't be so scared id be replaced

because maybe then i'd know if i deserve any of this

any of you

i’m not selfish in a way that i want to keep you all to myself

i just want you there, it doesn’t even have to be all the time

yet my heart whispers

please not yet, not now, not ever

lazy post (didnt add italics or try to bold anything) feeling meh

once loved

there are times i want to forget your love

but it still feels nice to think that

i was once loved

once loved by the one i looked at as if they could put stars in the sky

i just want to forget every sweet thing, to ruin the image i had of you

i thought that you breaking down my reality with a hammer, would do the trick

but i still turned to you wondering if you could put it back together

put my heart back together

you were my star

i like to think that my star and i were two stars in this vast universe, crossing paths with each other just to leave later, never meeting again

our time together was short but it felt like a millennia

i look up at the sky and think of you, do you see the same sky i do?

like when i asked you to look up at the stars, at the same time, even with our distance

happily looking up with no worries knowing you and i had our eyes on the same sky that night

“the stars look so pretty”

the stars look pretty but you're the star that used to shined the brightest to me

your light dimmed, you changed.

i couldn't see you anymore, couldn’t find you anymore, couldn't find the star i knew shined the brightest. i didn't know this "new" star...

but i know, there's someone out there with a special kaleidoscope, with their eyes on you, thinking you shine the brightest to them.

shine bright my star

because i was once loved

i think it’s fair you can be once loved too

just a statistic

i think about the what could've been, the what ifs

the fact that we never amounted to anything special 

except something special to me

so i had hoped it would be special to you too

special enough to keep me around

special enough to fit into the 2% of highschool sweethearts that get married

but we're the rest, the 98%

the ones who never succeeded with the ones they saw the future in

the ones they talked about the future with 

like us

we’re just that statistic

not special, because those 2%, they're more than that

they succeeded, they're special 

they thought that they were both worth it

why didn't you think i was worth it

congrats to the 2%

and the 98% who could only dream

seems like we're joining you too

to add onto that stupid statistic that i wish i could be on the other side of

yapped a lot in this, got too lazy to add anything else bleh not my best actually might be my worst

how i knew i missed you

the way my chest hurts

it feels prickly inside my heart

the place i had reserved for you

the way my throat closes up and it gets hard to breathe

the way my eyes sting

tears slowly welling up

even at the most random times

keywords that make me think of you

set off immediately like a domino effect 

the way that you're all i see

all i hear

that you sit in the back of my mind

as if you know and you're here to torment me

but it's really not hard to tell

that i miss you

the opposite of love

love is such a strong feeling

so what's the opposite of love?

it’s not hate no…

because i don't just mean the word

i mean what i feel for you

i don't love you anymore 

i hate you

but that's not the opposite of love 

and i wish it was 

but i still feel something for you

while it may not be love

it's still there

that's why it could never be the opposite 

so if you ask,

do i hate you? i’d say no

but do i love you? yes, yes i do.

i don't love you in the way i used to anymore 

my hate is love 

the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference 

i'll be there someday

so for now 

i'll just say i hate you

i just feel like a pot of emotions

wanting, waiting to spill over

someone tips me over,

watches me spill out everything in my heart

they tell me they'll help me clean up

and i trust it?

because although i've been tipped over,

 yet never cleaned up

i still have hope for someone to help me pour out the heavy contents in me

and actually lighten my load, rather than

scatter it all around me

and leave me in a puddle of mess

so i sit down, unable to even get up

because my pot is too full, heavy with emotion

what you taught me…

you were the person i loved the most

but it’s funny how all that taught me

was to never

love somebody else like that again

giving it my all wasn’t good enough

and i don't even have anything left

for myself

If i love like that again

will things turn out the same way?

will they break my heart the same way you did

but whatever it’s fine

thanks for teaching me

to never love like that again

pain

it’s what i’ve felt for a lot of my life

i’ve found some strange, sick and twisted

comfort in pain

i think about the things that hurt me the most

while i hurt, i hurt myself more

such familiar a feeling

brings such comfort

so when you had picked me up

took away my pain,

showed me healing, happiness

the comfort in that felt so much better

but you left, ripped it away from me

gave me the hurt

i didn't need anymore

but oh this pain hurts so much more

it perfectly reminds me of you

it feels like the

comfort you gave me

ripped from my arms

skinned me

bled me dry

the gut-wrenching ache of pain

the pain that reminds me of you

the pain i found new comfort in

is what i cling to

not you, especially not

with the way you made me feel.

please come back and

hurt me one more time

i closed my eyes 

turned a blind eye

like a stop light going from green to red

i sped up at yellow banking on your promise

i wasn't sure i would make it,

but you whispered in my ear

and left me with false hope

did you mean to do that on purpose?

i ran a red light, to your red flag

like a bull completely taken over by emotions

all i wanted was you,

to stay true to your promise, to be there.

i had just wanted your attention, if it was a little bit

i blindly followed you

listening to empty promises

only to try and see what you’ve built

to be toppled over by a gust of wind.

was it a reflection of how fragile you are,

your promises to me,

or how fickle your feelings were,

maybe all of the above?

empty words that never matched actions

yet sometimes i close my eyes and you're still there, burned into my memory

maybe that's why i had my eyes closed for so long, blinded truly

and when i blink, i see you for just a little

let me look at you for a little longer, for the last time

even if what i see is just the burned memory of you

in the back of my mind, my eyes

they're shut but i see you as if they're still open.

on planet "i miss you!"

i miss the way you made me feel

yet i don't miss it at all

the nights i cried over you

but the nights i kicked my feet happily with a smile plastered on my face

i miss you, i regret cutting you off sometimes

but at the same time, i don't regret anything at all

i don't miss feeling like i had to push aside myself for you

i don't miss feeling like my problems were less important 

and i especially don't miss having to deal with the same excuses

but i miss how you saw me, how you looked at me

as if i was the sole moon shining brightly on your planet

like the moon was all that you adored

i miss the way you'd include me, knowing i felt left out at times

now when i feel left out, i yearn for you

my own moon, the moon that drifted out of my orbit

the moon that was the only source of light in my life at the time

my world without you felt so dark, so alone

knowing you're not here

not here for me anymore 

i miss the way you could tell i was upset 

but now you don't even care enough to find out

i miss the way you loved me the way i felt most loved

but i don't miss how inconsistent it was that i still

stopped and considered if you loved me

so i'm leaving this planet, the planet with gravity so strong

that i’ve been stuck on it, on you

i’m ready to blast off, without you this time

strangers

we’re just two strangers to each other now

i hate the concept of it,

every little bit.

why does this stranger

know everything about me?

know my birthday, my full name, my favourite colour, my favourite song

why do i see and hear things when i think of this “stranger”?

i see the memories we made, i hear the song we used to call ours

it hurt to have you in my orbit, like a star so hot it’s burning

but the dull ache and pain of you gone

may just hurt even more

i think of you a lot stranger

i hope you do too