if i look back, i am lost
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@runsolo
If this is my last mistake, let it be a gift. If this is my last regret, let it be worth it. If this is my last desire, let it be. If this is my last mistake, let it be the closest thing to being right. If this is my final word, let it be your name.
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I hate how there aren't words mad and furious enough to describe the kind of exile I need, away from the consciousness that swirls into massive clouds and desert storms, ruthless and wild.
I remember, as clear as the tender piercing of the lines in your last message that said: you don't want me anymore. How it killed my only glowing star and sprinkled its muted dust across my dying sky. Now I'm fading out.
Actually, there is a word for that. It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is.
Ted (How I Met Your Mother)
Nothing lasts forever, we borrow moments and then they're gone and you move on. But memories are something than can never be borrowed. They are yours as you wish. One of my fondest memories would be days when I would sit outside our house and stare at the sky. I would ravel in the beauty of the sun and the clouds while my Dad would do his gardening. That was my bonding moment with him. We won't really talk as he does his thing with his plants and I take the sky to heart. I guess it doesn't matter that we don't talk, just knowing he's there made me feel loved. So every time I ride the plane and see the sky in 3D, I am reminded of my happy childhood thoughts. As life is borrowed and my Dad is gone now, our happy memories together are those I have left of him.
I feel like water offered to a stranger in kindness, in earnest generosity, only to be spit out again onto the cold pavement for want of something, anything that is not me.
And I wonder why the apology, the explanation never came.
Yet I know that I will think of her when the sun rises, think of her when it rains, think of her between roars of thunder, think of her to keep me sane.
For the longest time, I am as how I was when you left. Hanging. Still.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Rooftop sessions
Friend: can i ask you questions then you answer me without thinking?
Me: game!
Friend: fave food
Me: chinese and filipino
Friend: fave chocolate
Me: anything except black
Friend: craving for?
Me: french fries
Friend: best apology?
Me: a sincere one
Friend: plans or spontaneous?
Me: spontaneous but i think i should do more planning
Friend: dream job
Me: to be a lawyer and a dad
Friend: so you want to get married?
Me: at the right time with the right one for me
Friend: when's the right time?
Me: i don't know. in God's perfect timing
Friend: running or walking?
Me: holding hands while walking lol
Friend: motto
Me: positibo para bibo
Friend: are you in love?
Me: everyday
Friend: with?
Me: with life, family, friends and the people and things i deeply and truly care for and believe in
Friend: pa-safe. are you happy?
Me: i choose to be happy everyday
Friend: are you hurting?
Me: you will never know what happiness is unless you're hurt.
Friend: how do you like your eggs done?
Me: scrambled
Friend: fave color
Me: green
Friend: who do you miss right now?
Me: mom
Friend: who do you miss?
Me: ate
Friend: who do you miss, coy?
Me: who do you want me to say?
Friend: you know who. say it.
Me: okay. you know who. lol
Friend: haay. what do you want to do now?
Me: mag-mang larry
Friend: define love
Me: it's a feeling. you can never define feelings. pag mahal mo, mahal mo. yun lang yun.
Friend: forever
Me: giving someone unlimited chances to love you right everyday.
Friend: why do you fall in love even if you get hurt?
Me: cause you will never know what love is until you get hurt. pain and hate are not the opposite of love. indifference is. and i just have so much love to give.
Friend: will you miss us?
Me: everyday
Friend: are you coming back?
Me: definitely
Friend: visit or stay?
Me: it depends
Can't you see? I'm emptying myself of you. You whose presence filled me with wishes to the brim of my soul. I want to be the sun shining on your silly little face, the breeze weaving wonders on your hair, the cold water chasing your thirst away. Can't you see? I care for you more than I should. I should've held your hands in mine and feel them grow warm. I should've stroked your hair more than that shy swift caress. I should've listened to your heartbeat sing songs to me as if it were meant for me all. Can't you see? If only I can empty myself of you, I will: so I can come back and take some more of you again. Be filled, then emptied of you again and again.
could a heart so charred by love’s unrequited flames still bleed poetry?
David vs. Goliath Theory
Those who aren't too skilled fight tooth-and-nail to win; the skilled ones sometimes are just comfortable where they are. There are exceptions, of course, but I can't help but admire the underdog, always more desperate, always giving it all.
What is the most shitty thing about becoming an adult?
The more we grow up, the more we realize that our sense of choosing our destiny is not totally within our control. When we jump down from our ivory towers and join the crush of people trying to “make it” we realize it’s a big bad world out there. No matter how big a fish we thought we were in school, our organization, or group of friends there’s always someone out there who will make you pale in comparison, so much that you will feel like a minnow to a blue whale.
As if the lowering of our self-esteem was not enough, we become aware of our responsibilities and limitations. Bills, social calls, working towards self-sufficiency, health, work. Slowly our life becomes dictated by things like these. Time becomes a scarce resource. “I’m tired” becomes our go-to excuse for everything. We become more practical people, set more realistic expectations.
Before, it was all talk about shooting for the moon, then it slowly became talks about the most livable city or town before finally settling in a comfortable subdivision 20 minutes from there. Little by little, we become shaped by things like these until one day we wake up and realize: I’m not the hero of this story. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. My life has become a series of compromises.
What happened here? Most people say they “grew up” and that life ain’t no fairytale. That’s exactly the kind of thinking that got those people there. When you lose that childlike wonder, that desire, that delusion that you are the protagonist of your story, that’s when your hero self ceases to exist. I think the people who continue to be the heroes of their story and make it in this world are the craziest, most naive and immature (and possibly psychopathic and/or neurotic) human beings to have ever existed. And you know what, I think that’s why they make it. Mature people tell them that they are living a lie with their head in the clouds but they don’t care. They believe their lies and create a fantasy world so convincing that eventually their thoughts manifest into reality.
Those are the heroes, the manic dreamers.
One day I might come back to this post and have an all-you-can-eat buffet with my words. But then again, I may not. Who knows, only time will tell.
But for now, I’ll continue to delude myself. This hero’s journey continues.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I wake up and realize that while the sun caresses the windows with a type of heat that reminds me of walks, vineyards, and rows of olives, herbs are wrapped, still cold, under the blankets of dawn.
I close my eyes, and feel the fog covering the hours of the day with eternal whiteness.
It is sad how I begin to forget how the morning feels with you in it, but the echoes of our laughters are in my soul, pounding the walls of nostalgia, shaking the leaves of the memories to the ground.
Confession
I was an addict. My drug was very potent. It gave me a different kind of high - endorphins elevated, pupils dilated, palms sweating, heart racing. It was so good that the moment I first tasted of it, I knew my life wouldn’t be the same. It went on for quite some time, every moment better than the last. But every drug has its side effects. The moment the high wears off, reality sinks in, that I was lonely, empty and broken. All the feelings I tried so hard to run from were the very demons confronting me the moment I snap out of its trance.
Yes, I was an addict. I was addicted to happiness, to love and laughter. And my drug, was you.
I’ve been clean for a while now. One day at a time, I always tell myself. I’m writing this because I have been thinking of you. Because just like any recovering addict, I may stop, let go and move on but the memory of that enigmatic moment, our moment, lingers.
Not all who wander
I am a wanderer.
People say that I’m lost and that my life has no direction. But I am not really afraid of getting lost if it means spontaneous and sporadic collisions with different versions of myself. And I don't mind being directionless if it means stumbling across strangers and all of the world’s serendipities.
Come to think of it, all this time that I have been lost, inch by inch I have been trying to scratch the surface of the unknown, getting closer, deeper into a core of pure knowledge of the universe both outside of, and within me.
Until then, I'd go on walking away from the highways and the comforts of not knowing, swimming along the serenities and tantrums of time and space, climbing up mountains of silence, beyond history and expectations.
There is no stopping me, until then.
my poems died of thirst forests of thought-bearing words no tears can now save
an uncivil war
let me tiptoe on the land mines of your ego. keep my ear close to your threshold of pain.
let me trigger the guards of your senses; the soldiers of your wrath, be my foe.
for i’d rather detonate your defenses and risk getting maimed than walk in peace with the gods of your indifference; the angels of your eyes, i could never tame.
let me crawl across fields of broken things. drag my body against the shards of your lies.
let the shrapnels of your violence prune my wings; the fractured arrows of our vows puncture my eyes.
for i'd rather go blind and never look back; lose my gift of flight and yet remain on track
than stay and try and trust and thirst for that one flame that silly little game we, two cowards, couldn't even name.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
by the seashore, i stood and tried to send my anger off into the deep. i folded it into a paper boat and whispered little lies to set it sailing into oblivion. the sea swallowed it whole but truth came floating back like waves tickling my toes.
i tried to leave the shore hoping to shake my anger off like sand in my slippers. but the salty winds swirled it back up in my face and straight into my eyes.
off the edge of the earth i tried to persuade my anger into jumping head first. but it tricked me into tying my joy with it, and together into the void they disappeared.
When love breaks inside the heart and the shards lodge deep in its walls, take your time in plucking them out. And never be afraid to hold each little piece up to the light and study its shape, the minute ragged edges that traced the threshold of your pain, how much you have seen and been, how much you have grown.
