runPOM

It has been such a long while since the last time I wrote an entry in this blog, but lately I've been having a lot of inner thoughts that I feel the need to write them down, for me to have some sense of clarity and organization.

You see, after a little more than three years in my first company, and after five years since I first became affiliated with it, I'm finally leaving. It may not be for good because I'm never closing my doors, but also it may be for good because who knows what the future might bring.

The questions from different people started coming in: why I'm leaving, can't I find a similar role within, it must be an upgrade, the offer must be good, am I not happy inside anymore, stuff, etc., stuff. And then I find myself explaining my side briefly, but sometimes inconsistently, but all I said are true. There's no one single reason, there's no main reason. If there is, it's just that I think it's the way to go.

My outlook changed because of the pandemic. Actually, "change" might be too strong of a word. For all I know, I have always been a choose-your-battles kind of person. This means that whenever I do things, they are always in line with what I aim to become. The actions I take are calculated. And whenever I want something, it's usually target-locked. The pandemic merely reiterated this mindset. I have to continuously choose my own battles, keep dictating my pace and direction, but this time with a huge caveat. And that caveat is for me to also take my time and not pressure myself as hard as how others might dictate my life (though only indirectly through expectations), and for me to pilot my life in such a way that it balances altruism and living in the moment, growing and pausing, and learning and loving.

Coming from a graduate trainee program of a large multinational company can be difficult especially if you're not exactly Type A. I'm not Type A. I just have goals, and I work my way up to get those goals, but I'm not the tough go-getter that some people might perceive me to be. I have some level of competitiveness, but it's not in my nature to be everything at once and to climb up this high in such a short period of time. Humility aside, if I choose that I will, then I can, but I won't do that mainly because of the balance I seek from here onwards. I cannot tell them this. They wanted me to stay with the promise of accelerated career growth, with the idea of broader career options in the future. Although I'm truly grateful for the trust, my priorities already changed. I'm no longer after the acceleration. Or if I am, I want it dictated by me somewhere with less watchful eyes. I need autonomy, space to breathe. Lastly, I think it's also okay to explore and that I'm not a bad person for choosing a path that's different from the one they designed for me.

There is still growth for me had I chosen to stay. The growth would be influencing fellow Finance professionals to change their ways of working and immersing myself more in a field that right now I only know on a surface level. Organized and systematic ways of working will also be polished. But I chose a different growth direction. It's more on my soft skills. I want to further improve my influence not with fellow Finance professionals but with Sales professionals, I want to have more ownership of a broader scope of accountabilities ranging from operational work to strategic, and I aim to build more comfort in working with senior management which I believe has always been my insecurity (together with handling other people). My seniors in the company I'm leaving might think differently, but this is how I am choosing to grow.

“Daydream Delusion

I don’t usually ask for things I don’t need. Sometimes, however, I ask for the things I want. I want those which can build my future, those that can give me a sense of fulfillment, an accomplishment, a purpose. If it’s something that would supplement my whole being, be it a hobby or an out-of-this-world interest, I would go for it. I have this undying need for achievement and every fiber of my being knows what it wants.

But my heart can be really impulsive. The romantic in me knew from the very beginning that I would want to stick around you. I now wonder who bewitched whom. It must have been your facade. It must have been the shallow acquaintance between us. It must have been the spark of connection I found in you or the tiny, tiny gesture of the peace sign that you did when you thought you dropped something offensive during one of our earliest conversations. Regardless of the reason behind my attraction, the curiously romantic in me has awaken, and it’s because of you.

Having “achieved” (for the lack of a better term) you is not something I asked for. I never hoped that you’d also like me back. Escalating it further, I did not seek your love nor did I expect this relationship to flourish. All I knew from the moment I officially met you was that I would always want to stick around you. We could have been platonic friends from thereon or we could have taken a step further by being close friends. Either way, we could have remained as friends, and I would have been fine with that.