Sorry for another text wall but this will be the last journal entry I make for a long time. ^^; If any wanderers who are curious and want a very VERY short and brief history explanation about the birthday images that I made, take a read through the long text. If not, that's okay. Just something I felt like I needed to get off my chest and be relived from it. " Decided to reveal a bit of the meaning behind those birthday sketches that's been an on-going theme every time my birthday comes up... For those who are new, almost every year, for the past decade, I would draw something somber or gloomy that reflects my mood of what a birthday means to me. And for those who have been following for quite some time, the lore behind them is that they are as straight forward as they can be. A reminder of aging. A reminder that the number is going up. A reminder... of the inevitable death. Every time the day comes by, it is a reminder of how grim is it to be aging and how time goes by so quick... Looking back to it now, it is amazing how fast it felt in being reminded of them all... While I can't pinpoint when the experience of gloom and doom ever started, I like to think it began on Year 0. The year when Pony came into effect in my life. The year where it started. The month of April of 2011. I was 21 years old when I joined the "heard". By Year 0, I was already somewhat of a depressive young adult. Emo and somewhat edgy. No "friends" during the time. I lacked any worth mentioning skills. My drawing skills was laughable, unheard of, and still just as bad... But it was also the year when I actually started putting effort into my drawing skills. While I have drawn some things, nothing related to anything about my birthday since I had nothing to show for it. Hence why its blank for that year. It was an experience phase. Year 1 has somewhat been the same. Only Ive been struggling more than ever but I still kept drawing. I have made some drawings, but nothing worth noting on my birthday again. But it was also when my somber mood started to pick up... Year 2 was when I began to be more expressive with my drawings. Instead of looking through tutorials and trying my best to imitate and learn how others have been drawing, the route to make things on my own kicked in. I just got tired of struggling and trying to do what everyone was doing in being as good as the next "blogger". While I tried my best in improving, it felt like I was getting no where with it... and my quiet depressive nature just festered more. Started to realize that birthdays were meaningless and the joys of growing up was gone... Year 3 was a busy year for me. Still kept drawing and drawing for others more often but at the same time life was starting to pick up and I had responsibilities to uphold. I had nothing show for the month of April because of it... Year 4 was... something. It was a life changing event for me and the start of an ambitious project was being made. Decided to have a bit of some fun too since, during the time, I was learning to be more of an "adult" on my own... Not much else to be said from here. Other than it was also another busy year for me and a lot was happening... Year 5. When project was breaking apart and mixing in with... other ideas. I had a lot in mind and was trying to keep up with everything. Going into my birthday reminded me again of how very little time I had to do everything that I wanted to make. The mess and stress started colliding and watching that number go up again did not help alleviate the pressure... It became a sombre yet mellow reminder of what is to come with each passing year... Year 6 was an attempt to keep it together as best as I could. Another reminder of that number going up again but I stayed focus and kept the project rolling. That is... until the ink started to creep its way in... Year 7. It was all falling apart... I had a feeling in the back of my mind that my efforts into doing what I was doing wasn't getting anywhere or any better. A lot was changing. My life was changing. Was having doubts. Was stalling stuff. More stuff swarmed in. And to top it off, it was another reminder of an age growth... Year 8 felt hopeless with what I was doing.... Drawing for others wasn't doing a thing. Following what people were doing felt like I was alienated. Trying to revive something that was struggling felt like a lost cause. A lot was happening... and another year, another count to my number. Time is ticking and it doesn't slow down for no one. Year 9... While it wasn't cake, it sure had the same feeling like one.... At this point, I might as well just roll with what I have during the time with no real main goal and just play along with what there is and have fun with it. I was just tried of it all. I wanted to do whatever I want. I wanted to... Just bury it, learn from it, and move on. Year 10? No, back to Year 0. When I began to have more fun with what I was doing after "Ending it all" ....... It was a bumpy start, stuff was still happening, but at least it wasn't as stressing like before and learned to not over think things and just do small things. I'm just one person and as much as I want to dream big, that is not a bright idea to do for a person such as myself. No more of that. Just let stuff happen on its own. Year 1. Nothing yet because this is where it's starting. Year 1. Starting over and see how well it goes from here. "
