ruby mae ♥

Landon’s face felt hot as he allowed a few tears to slip from his bright blue eyes, blood flowing to his cheeks even while he tried to calm himself down. Mantras he had learned in his therapy sessions started to flow through his mind telling him that his mind was lying to him, that he couldn’t help this and it was nothing to be ashamed of. But it was Ruby’s touch that had his breathing on the right path to regulation again, his slightly red eyes meeting hers when she started to speak. Relief took the place of panic in his chest, the feeling of something heavy weighing against him slowly fading as her words danced through his head.

It was something he hadn’t expected and a small smile pulled at his lips when his eyes fell to the floor. “You’re like…the happiest person I’ve met…you know, like naturally happy. You may be confused a lot and you can get hurt easily but your smile is always so genuine. I think that’s what I first noticed about you…that you’re a little ball of sunshine in this fucked up little world.” Running his thumbs over the tops of her hands, Landon pulled her closer to him until she was sitting in his lap, an arm snaking around Ruby’s waist. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…I just didn’t want you to think of me like this. This isn’t how I want to be seen.” He was barely whispering the words as Landon didn’t know if the explanation would make sense either. He wasn’t sure of himself, he never was really, but she deserved to know why he hadn’t brought this up before. “I hate these stupid episodes…”

Ruby had to laugh gently. She was confused a lot, she couldn’t deny that. And she was overly precious about silly things, but somehow it coming from Landon, it didn’t feel like he was calling her stupid or immature. It felt like he saw her flaws as positives, and even with everything going through her heart and mind, she felt her heart swell at that. One more reason she was falling for him, really. It was bittersweet, really. This whole conversation. It was heartbreaking to learn these things about him, but she could almost see the bond between them strengthening with each word. 

“You’re the reason for me smile these days, mostly anyway.” She let him tug her down into his lap, stealing her chance to nuzzle into the curve of his neck briefly, stealing some comfort for herself before pulling back to be the one to comfort him. Her fingers brushing hair from his forehead, and hand rubbing soothing circles into his back. “So it’s only fair I’m your little ball of happiness.” Sighing slightly, she bit the inside of her lip. There was still things, thoughts, feelings, she didn’t know what to do with. But none of that really mattered right then. She’d find another time to ask.. it was just.. 

He almost winced when he saw the disgust on her face at seeing the room, something he was afraid of happening when this secret was revealed. He could understand why the appearance would cause such a reaction but he was terrified that explaining what was going on in his mind would cause the same face and utter revulsion. Watching her kneel next to him, he pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth and there was a pained expression on his face. He hated this. Hated that she was finding out like this and hated that she had to see him in this state.

But her questions caused a small, brief laugh, his eyes shining as Landon looked up into her own. He shook his head at her and squeezed her hand affectionately. “Nobody can make it better, Rubes. It not something I can control…I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of fourteen and sometimes I just go into these spirals.” Landon didn’t know if he was making sense here. He didn’t know how much the girl knew about the illness or if he needed to start from the beginning so he tried his best to give a description that would make sense.

“Most f the time I’m walking around with this smile on my face, you know? And that’s mostly because I don’t want people to know how twisted my head is. I can usually fake it pretty well because I have an outlet through my writing but there are times like this that….I just can’t even get out of bed because I feel so awful and I just don’t see the point. But there’s times when I can actually be happy too…like when I’m with you.” He knew he wasn’t making much sense and he was starting to get frustrated with himself, the sophomore sighing and dropping her hand to raise both of his to his face. “I’m not making any sense. It’s a disease that effects my serotonin levels…which is the chemical that makes you feel happy. Mental disorder, I’m mental…I’m crazy and I understand if you…don’t want to be with me anymore.”

His laugh startled her slightly, causing Ruby to shrink back a little. She wasn’t sure why the idea of her helping him was so laughable, and she could feel a twinge of hurt in her chest. Of course as he started to explain, the hurt spiraled into something else completely. This was the last thing she expected to hear. She had been thinking he’d tell her something horrible had happened, and she’d help him find a way to deal. But this. Clinical Depression? She knew she couldn’t fix that. She knew there was nothing she could say or do to take away what he was feeling, and that was the worst feeling in the world. 

Her eyes turned down, staring at the hem of her skirt as he spoke. She knew the basics about mental illness- it was what her mother did- but she let him explain himself, without interjecting. She figured he needed to just get through this without her stopping him, and she needed to try and collect her thoughts. Thoughts that were currently racing in a million different directions. She could feel her heart breaking in her chest- but not for herself. For Landon. He was the last person in the world who deserved to be sad. 

Terror filled his chest so quickly that he felt dizzy at the sudden feeling. He didn’t want her to find out like this, didn’t want her to see the mess that was his room or the shape that he was in - something that he couldn’t take back now. He knew his eyes conveyed the fear that had filled him, his look turning to one of panic while he tried to think of what to say. Bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck, he looked down into her own wide eyes and felt regret and guilt join his fear. She looked so worried for him and she had even gone through the trouble of making him a basket full of…well, what he didn’t know yet but it look pretty full. 

Stepping aside, he gestured for Ruby to come into the room. “Um…don’t mind the mess, please…I haven’t…I don’t know.” Landon couldn’t even think up an excuse for the state that his dorm and he was in. He turned to her after closing the door, suddenly conscious of the fact that he was in his pajamas at the moment. “I didn’t mean to worry you, I swear, I just…Um, you remember when I said there were some things you didn’t know about me?”

It was decided, Landon couldn’t keep this from Ruby any longer. He didn’t feel right lying about it anymore and he had to trust her with this if he wanted their relationship to be legitimate didn’t he? Sighing, he sat down on the bed and wouldn’t even look at her, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes. “I guess it’s time that you know…I’m a little ashamed to admit this but I’m not exactly the happiest person in the world.” 

The look of panic on his features had her stomach twisting in knots. Instantly regretting her decision to just come and see him. Her presence was obviously not what he wanted or needed, and the last thing she had wanted to do was to cause Landon stress. If there had of been a way for her to find out if he was okay without putting him through the obvious terror he was feeling. Biting the inside of her lip, she silently pleaded with herself not to cry. It would have been selfish to cry, as this wasn’t about her. It was about Landon. Ruby had a habit at times of making things about herself, and it was something she was trying to work on. She never meant to be a selfish person. 

She had been contemplating just turning and walking away, ending his suffering, when he stepped aside to let her in. Eyes meeting his for a moment, she hesitated. Unsure if he actually wanted her to come in, or he was just trying to be nice. In the end, she decided to step inside. Looking around, her eyes widened, and for a moment her expression was almost horrified. She was quick to fix her features in a less terrible expression, however, not wanting to upset Landon any more. It wasn’t that she even really cared about the mess too much. She just had never seen it look like this, and it honestly scared her. 

Are you sure? I mean, I probably can’t pay you back…At least not right now.

Me and my parents do, but I don’t think Landon’s really open about when his birthday is. Trust me. He’s going to love whatever you do for him.

There’s always someone out there for a girl who thinks she’s the most beautiful one on the planet. That’s what makes him or her their prince…or princess I guess.