Achievement Hunting Headless Roosters

Geoff: Also if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is: “I’m really sorry about last night. I was just so drunk…” That is a get out of jail free card that you don’t even realize you’ve had until you lose it. I can never be like: “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like: “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud, it probably will happen again.”

Ryan: “My wife” just has some kick-ass to it, you know? “Get away from my wife! No one talk to my wife!” Marriage is gonna be very magical. “I didn’t kill my wife!” That’s like, “Ooh, who’s that fella?”

Michael: Well…you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time…and I have no outlet for it.

Gavin: I’ve never really cared about politics. Never talked about ’em much. But then, last November, the strangest thing happened!

Jack: I’m trying to stay nice though, because when I was a kid, I was raised that you should be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. But now, at the end of my life, I don’t know, because a lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world.

Jeremy: Well, thank ya for askin’. I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies.

Lindsay: I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Trevor: I went to college. For the whole time. Holy shit right?

Alfredo: Part of me was like, whatever, you know, you know those days when you’re like this might as well happen. Adult life is already so goddamn weird.