Richie

I had this girlfriend once where things were getting pretty serious. We wanted to move in together, so we went looking for an apartment. The second one our real estate agent took us to was perfect, we both loved it, so we made the decision to move in. Our neighbour was a really nice guy named Joseph. His wife had left him a few years prior, leaving him alone to take care of his eight-year old son. I always felt kinda bad for the guy. He had this weird accent that was really hard to place.

Come with me, here,…sit down together, shall we?

Now, listen me, please.

Sometimes people are lonely, you know,…despite families, friends, jobs (or even JUST for it)…sometimes people are lonely inside, and sad, and broken. Sometimes they have personal issues, nasty things to face to, all alone because they don’t want to annoy others. Mostly because others wouldn’t understand and they’d gave only pity. Or empty, useless critics without even bother to listening. Giving you shame.

Sometimes people doesn’t have anyone to talk about their shit.

Sometimes all they can do is crying all the pain in the dark at night, hugging the pillow, silencing even there because even their tears’ sounds is unbearable.

And,…and I know it sounds absurd, darling, I know…but,…but you’re become their safe place.

Don’t look me this way, sweetie, I know what I’m talking about because I’m one of those persons.

You’re become my safe place, if it could have any sense.

My imperfect hero to speak with whenever I need to. I know, I know,…all I do is write you pages and pages of stupid personal notes, period,…but in those notes are my worst demons, my darkest side, my fears, my insecurities, and I chose to tell them to you.

Because I don’t know for what kind of magic, bless, curse, silly childish wish,…whatever,…i feel understood by you. I feel that you can understand my pain, my rage, my stupid inner fights.

Without judging.

Without make me feel ashamed of myself.

Without mocking me, or call me names.

This is why my heart was broken when they have decided to cut you off from me (from all of us) in that disgusting, repulsive way. So disrespecting. So ungrateful. So unnecessarily brutal.

As if they have decided to make us suffer. To blatantly and purposefully traumatise us.

Only for the reason that you are important for us.

My heart still broken, sweetie, but you know what? I won’t submit to this. To this reality they forced us to accept. Never. And neither you have to.

You’re never gone anywhere.

You’re still here.

You’re still our hero.

MY HERO.

Don’t mind to those who mistreat you this way. To those who have tried to downgrade you, to push you in the background because you wouldn’t supposed to be loved.

Because you’re not supposed to be the hero. You should have been the villain to keep away. You should have been the loser, since the beginning. The less important. The one to even notice.

As we are. The losers. But things are gone differently, for once.

So now listen to me.

You are important.

In a way you never imagine. And not only for me. I’m speaking for myself,  right now, but I’m more than sure that there’re thousands of other people like me, out there,…shy, broken, sad, struggling to cope hard times, alone,…who’ve choosed you for my same reasons. Because you can understand us.

Because you know how hard, and how bad it is.

I don’t care how bad they can treat you, my precious boy, because you are with us and we will love you and care about you, forever.

And you don’t have to be valid just because someone else told you so. You have your own light, and power to shine through. You are you, and you’re perfect your own way.

And that light, that power, will overcome any wicked actions, any hate against you.

Smile, sweetie,…and keep to be my smirking, sassy, beautiful imperfect hero.

I know, I wrote you many other times, but this is a bit more important. Because i wanna say you how much you’re damn special for me, my boy.

For having resonated in me so deeply like no one else is been able to do before.

You broke my heart, since the beginning. Since when it was clear that all your sarcasm and the tricks were just the language of your noble soul, broken by others.

No one saved you.

No one has ever fought for you, for having you back. You had to do it for yourself. For not to break yourself completely, and not to corrupt what was still good.

You’re been, and still are, the one who understand me. The one who knew.

The one who wouldn’t have laughed. The one who hadn’t make fun of me.

Because you know. And you can’t mock what have hurt you too.

Anxiety. Sense of guilt. Sense of inferiority. Fears. A sadness that sometimes becomes depression. The feeling of being unworthy, to not have any value at your very own eyes.

You understand all of this and accept it without judgment.

Because you’re not those damn superheroes always positive and winners. Of which I’m in awe, and in the same time I feel rejected by.

Because I’m not positive all the time. I’m not always smiling. I’m a loser, and not always I wanna fight.

You’re here, and you’re always been, Loki.

My hero who has always listened and understood.

My king who’s been cut off because they felt threatened by you. Because just their heroes could been loved. Not who were born antagonist.

There was no room for who was like me, like us. The last ones, the insecure ones, those who fear life. Those who don’t hope and don’t wish anymore.

But you’re come. You, who didn’t have to. You, who were not allowed to.

And you have collected all of us, the last ones and the desperates. And you make us feel united, important, wanted, loved, worthy.

You cannot kill a God, they say, and, for what concern me, is the truth. A God cannot die.

And you’ll always be here, Loki, my hero and my King. Alive, real, invincible, glorious, beautiful and majestic.

NO RESURRECTION THIS TIME.

It’s true, eventually.

There’s no resurrection for who’s never died.

I know you’re here, my prince, and I’ll always be grateful for this. For you.

I’m sorry for all those hours where I’ve forced you to listen to me rambling about the same problem over and over. I know you are sick of hearing me talking about how she broke my heart and how a new girl came along, stealing my heart again.

I’m sorry that I can sit for hours and hours describing how she makes me feel and for talking about stuff that really doesn’t matter.

I’m sorry that I talk so much that you barely can get a word in because I get over-exited.

I’m sorry that I can never shut up when we watch your favorite movie, I just have so much too say.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve been too loud in public, sorry for embarrassing you.

I’m sorry that I’m so insecure that I apologize for everything I do, and that I constantly seek approval.

I’m sorry for the times I ask you if you think something is wrong with me, I’m sorry for the late calls when I’m crying asking you why no one will love me or why people never stay.

I know I’m flawed and for that, I’m sorry.

I know I often get caught up in my mind, and I never let you in. I talk about the obvious, stuff that may not matter. I know you think that I don’t let you in enough.

I’m sorry for not telling you about my childhood traumas. I’m sorry for not telling you why I have issues with saying I love you. But I do, I love you.

I’m sorry for not telling you why I flinch when you try to embrace me. I’m so so sorry for not being able to be with you in bring crowds because it gets too much.

I’m sorry.

I’ve been broken so many times, that talking about what’s really going on inside of my mind, about all the dark things, I just can’t bring myself too. Because I’ve had so many people leave because of what goes up in my mind and so few understand, and for that I’m sorry.

I wish I could let you in, but it isn’t as easy as it seems. I’m sorry.

But I hope you find the courage to stay with me, even though I have so much to apologize for. I hope that you know how much I appreciate you, and that I do love you.

Thank you, for the times you listened to every meaningless thing I have to say. Thank you for still bringing me out in public, and thank you for being patient with me. Thank you.