we're walking a tightrope

Axel stared at her, watching as she fumbled with her wedding ring. Shaking his head, he finally dropped his gaze as soon as she had taken it off. It was like the world had finally crashed, and life had ended. Without Roxi, he had no stability, he had no rock, he had nothing without her. And this was the final straw. He felt a sting in his eyes as the heavy feeling weighed in the back of his throat, and as the wedding ring came into view, he extended his hand open, not wanting to take it, but knowing that if she didn’t want it anymore, there wasn’t much he could do to force her. “Of course it matters to me Rox. You matter to me. You’re my whole world.” He lifted his head again, hardship after hardship falling upon him. “I’m sorry. This was…I didn’t plan for this Roxi. This happened before I even met you!”

“You say that a lot..” Roxi said, her voice cracking. “But do you mean it? Because if you meant it you wouldn’t keep...hurting me like this. I feel like every time we get good again, something you’ve been hiding from me comes forward. What else are you hiding from me? What else do I nee to know? Were you in love with this woman? The one you had a child with? Are you happy someone gave you what I’m still not sure if I can give?”

He knew the words that left his mouth weren’t good, and he wasn’t sure how she was going to react to the news, so when she sat down, he nodded slowly, knowing that it was nearly life changing, at least, for him it was. Taking in a deep exhale, Axel finally stated, “I don’t know how to put this any other way Rox, but…” He looked towards the ground, his hands coming together nervously, before he looked back at her. “I found out that I have another kid. From a one night stand I had before I met you.”

And there it was. Roxi thought she had one thing with him that no other girl had. She thought even though he broke her heart over and over again; took other girls on the joyrides they’ve been on, made them laugh so hard that they cried, held them tighter than anyone else, that she had at least one little thing. She was supposed to be the one to have a family with him, to be his wife, give him the picture-perfect life; but now even that was ruined. He said he just found this out but what if that was another lie?  And even if it was the truth, did it matter? She fumbled with her wedding ring; she had never taken it off no matter how hard they fought., but now she was taking it off. She held it out to him, tears falling from her face. “Does this even mater to you anymore?” she asked, looking into his eyes.

“That’s my saving grace. Is this your way of making me feel bad so I’ll drink for you too.”

“Only if you promise not to leave me alone.”

“And  risk my marriage? Sorry, I’d rather be a chicken.”

“With Damon? That’s silly.”

Axel knew what he had written. He had read over it several times, knowing just how heavy his heart was after signing the letter, like he was signing some sort of death wish upon himself as he knew all that was contained inside. There was the initial revelation, he had cheated on her, despite all the lies he had made up to cover up his own ass. As he held his head in his hands, he merely sighed, waiting for the backlash at any moment. He knew it would take time, but he didn’t realize she would keep reading over it, keep ruminating on every letter her wrote in every word on the piece of paper.

As her heard the paper slightly crinkle back into the envelope, he turned to look over at her from in the dining room still, the silence encroaching upon them with little remorse. He saw her tears, and only shook his head, unable to move himself from the chair. He didn’t want to falsely comfort her because he knew he was the reason for those tears. Everything he had done led to those tears. And, finally her voice broke through, even at the whisper she held. “I don’t know!” He replied, voice shaking with hesitation. He never meant to hurt her, he never meant to end up this way. “I don’t know.” His breathing was heavy, and his heart hurt. “Rox…everything that happened…it never meant anything. One night turned into…several different nights. It was…going out, getting drunk, and…hating myself in the morning.”

“Hating yourself?” She laughed bitterly. “Yeah you must’ve really hated yourself, Ax. I mean you played it off just fine. You slept with me just fine. If you really hated yourself that much, don’t you think you would have come clean?” She ran a hand through her hair. “Is it me? Are you not in love with me anymore? Lust gone? Or am I just too old for you now..”  She knew there had to be more. She hoped there was more. An I don’t know wasn’t enough. It didn’t make any sense. She put her hands on her hips. “I looked into it, you know. This Kendall girl. She’s an infant.”

Roxi didn’t want to read the letter. Not at first. She was still angry, still confused with what she wanted to do, and still very hormonal. He insisted she should read it, said it was going into the time capsule, and her stupid heart knew that if she didn’t read the letter, she would hate herself forever.

So she read it.  She read it while he sat in the dining room and her in the kitchen. She read it three times. Over and over.And when she was done reading it she carefully put it back into the envelope and she turned her back on him. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling now. Anger? Hurt? Remorse? He confirmed her doubts in him but at the same time he apologized. Her heart was big and she knew she could feel a crack in it. He put that there. Yet at the same time he was the one who filled it up.

She slowly turned to him. She was crying already, she knew it looked ugly. “Why?” she whispered. “If I...If I make you feel this way...why did you..do you? Why did you do it? How many times? Why, Axel?”

“What? Hate you? No, Roxi. This is amazing! I’m so happy for you.”

“You are? I mean, thank you, D. I just....I don’t know.”

Axel didn’t know what to do with himself. If she was pregnant, there was…there a baby on the line, and that meant more to him than all the other women combined, all the other things he had done had to be put past him. It wasn’t going to change overnight, and he knew this, but he also knew that Roxi deserved better, though, he wasn’t sure what to do about that. “Oh my god.” He muttered back still, watching over her as he approached her, arms out and ready to hold her form. “We’re gonna have another kid Rox…I don’t…I don’t know what to say.” After the turmoil of their first born, it seemed like they never wanted to endure that pain again, but nothing but joy poured out of Axel at that moment.

Roxi wanted nothing more than to just jump into his arms and let him hold her close. To pretend that things were okay and that things could be okay for a little while. But she had to stay strong. Not just for herself either; her baby deserved a mother who would fight for positive change, not the same old shit. “Yeah, we’re going to have another baby. We might...we might be able to do this. But not if you keep straying. I am not raising a kid in a broken home like that...I already know what that’s like. It’s awful, Axel.”

Her words hit him, and it seemed like suddenly the world was spinning. Pregnant? Did she just say she was pregnant? His thoughts all swirled together after a moment as he shook his head slowly, staring over Roxi with a look of concern, all sorts of emotions mixed into one feeling of trying to wrap his head around what she just said. “What…what do you mean pregnant?” He asked back, reaching for her hand as he searched her eyes. “You’re pregnant?” A softness hit him, one that he hadn’t seen in himself in too many years to count.

“Yeah,” she managed to croak out. She could see the change in him. It was so fast and sudden that she still needed to catch her breath. If she stayed, he would make her feel bad for being angry and she would forgive him because she loved him. Their baby...their baby needed them to work things out. But right now she needed to think about it. “I just don’t know what to feel...”

“Rox— of course I’m being honest with you. You’re my wife! I tell you everything. You know everything about me.”