RowArk

And of course the spine surgery clinic is in the same fucking hospital that my mom died in, so that'll be fun

My best friend's mom is going with me. Usually I go to appointments alone, unless it's something I can't drive back from, but this one I think I'll appreciate having company

I always hate when something is called a celebration of life, but when you go, it's actually just a funeral, but two years ago, my mom and I went to a celebration of life that actually lived up to the name. It was a celebration. My brother and sister-in-law were also there, as well as my sister-in-law's parents and her sister (it was for my sister-in-law's sister's mother-in-law lol... but it's a small city and I've known my SIL's sister's husband longer than she has, so obviously I went too)

Anyway, my mom said that's what she would want, so that's what we did. We rented a banquet hall, put up hundreds of photos of her, from baby photos all the way up to pictures taken two weeks before she died, and brought in some of her photo albums and scrapbooks, and some things she made (she liked to knit, crochet and sew), and we had old home movies playing on a projector (without sound) and we made a playlist of all her favourite music and played that the whole time

There was no eulogy, but I got up to speak, and so did my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece (I think my niece made everyone in the room cry because she's 4 years old and my brother carried her up to the microphone and she said "I miss my grandma and my grandma misses me")

But other than that part, it was more like a party than a funeral. We had tons of food, and we decorated everything in orange (my mom's favourite colour) and penguins (because my mom loved penguins), and we had put in the obituary for people to wear orange if they had it, and lots did

I learned that apparently Dutch people like orange?? Every time someone came in wearing orange I would say something about it, because not many people actually have orange clothes, and more than once I got the response of "of course I have orange clothes, I'm Dutch!"

All in all, it went great. About 200 people showed up, and we were expecting about 150.

But, of course, some members of my family can't not cause drama, and my oldest cousin, who is 3 years older than me and has always made everything a competition between us and also never liked my mom, had an issue with the way we did it. I didn't find out until after (because she barely spoke to me the entire day), but apparently she was telling everyone that having a party instead of a funeral was disrespectful, which she even said to my brother, and he said "this is exactly what my mom wanted" and she said "well, I guess you and your sister just grieve differently than everyone else", because apparently we are not grieving to her standards, or something.

She also said she didn't wear orange because that would be disrespectful, because you're supposed to wear dark colours to a funeral because it's not supposed to be about having fun (we never ONCE used the word "funeral" when describing this event, by the way)

She didn't say this to me, though, because she was already mad at me. She offered to show up an hour early and help us set up, and when she got there, she asked what to do, and I listed off everything that needed to be done, but I didn't assign her a specific task, so she felt like she didn't even need to be there and I should have told her not to come early if I didn't have anything for her do to... meanwhile, a couple of my friends showed up about 20 minutes early and saw that there was still things that needed to be done, and asked how they could help, and I listed off what was left and they just started doing it... so she sat there doing nothing while other people helped. And then was mad at me about it... because she's 45 and can't take any initiative, apparently.

She brought napkins, paper plates and plastic cutlery as her contribution (it ended up being a potluck. We didn't originally plan it that way, but right away a bunch of people offered to bring food so that's what we did). My aunt (her mom) actually bought the plates and napkins, and my sister-in-law sent her a listing on Amazon for the plastic cutlery, which she ordered, and then my brother opened all the packages and put all the stuff she brought out, because she just dropped it on a table and walked away.

But it's my fault she had nothing to do... like, I can't

I have never gotten along with her and I'm not really surprised she acted like this, because this is how she always acts, but she's lucky she didn't say any of that to my face yesterday because it wouldn't have ended well.

I also had brought some decks of cards, because my mom always loved playing cards, and she thought that was a bad idea, which she actually did tell me, because she said no one would want to play cards. And then when people DID start playing cards, she got annoyed because she didn't think it was appropriate... until her dad started playing cards, and then it was fine, apparently.

This woman is going to be in for a harsh reality check one day though. She's literally never had anything bad happen to her in her life. She's 45, her parents are still happily married, and they're not rich but they are pretty well-off, so any time she gets into any financial trouble, they just hand her all the money she needs to get out of it (including once paying off $30k of debt for her and not making her pay them back for it), and she's never really had anyone she's close to die before... our grandpa died 18 years ago, but she wasn't close to him at all, and it didn't have a huge impact on her

But one day, it will be one of her parents that dies, and she's not going to be able to handle it, and she's going to want support from the rest of the family, after shitting on all of us for years. Her sister and I are close, and I would be there for her sister, but my older cousin? I will offer her as much support as she's offered me this past month, which is none.

The only thing she's even texted me for this past month is to try to gossip about our youngest cousin, whose mother died of a brain tumour in 2018. She doesn't speak to that cousin at all, but I still do, and my older cousin just assumed that our younger cousin would not be helpful or supportive at all, but she has been, and my older cousin's response was "well I guess she's been through the same thing, technically." Like, technically? Her mom also died... that's not technically the same thing. It's the same thing. But she (and several other members of my family) don't think that my cousin handled her mother's death appropriately, so they decided she just didn't care. So naturally, my older cousin expected this to be a perfect opportunity to bash my younger cousin again.

This is the longest I've ever gone without seeing her in my entire life

My mom had paid off about $19,000 on the car, and there's still about $16,000 owing. It's a an SUV, and I don't want an SUV, and it's a Ford, and I swore I would never own another Ford vehicle in my life. But it was a debate because it IS 6 years newer, and has about 70,000 fewer kms on it than mine does.

But mine's paid off, and is better on gas and has cheaper insurance.

So my brother and I take the car into Ford so they can look at it and tell us what it's worth, if they were to buy it back from us. They check it all out and tell us it's worth $9,000.

Like, I understand that vehicles depreciate very quickly, but like... I could not stand there with a straight face and tell someone that the car that has already had $19k paid down, and still has $16k owing is actually only worth $9k. Like, what a racket.

We met with a financial advisor at the bank right after going to Ford, and the financial advisor was like "get rid of that car as fast as you can." Apparently, car dealerships are also notorious for repossessing vehicles after someone dies, before you get the chance to sell them privately, and selling it privately is our best option, because obviously Ford would buy it back for $9k and sell it for like $15k.

I have never been this scared in my entire life. This much time alone isn't good for my mental health

I cry to the point that I start hyperventilating and I have no one to talk to. All I can do is take a sedative and hope that tomorrow will be better, but so far every day has just been worse than the one before

I don't know what to do

Last week everyone promised to come visit me but no one does, except my brother and sister-in-law

My whole family is grieving but none of them have to be in this house by themselves every goddamn day

I called my grandma today and she was like "I wondered if you were ever going to call" and like... she's had family visiting her pretty much every day since my mom died, because everyone is worried about her. I've been having full blown emotional breakdowns multiple times a day, in-between having to deal with the estate and planning the celebration of life and I just can't do it all

I had actually JUST brought this car up again, like 5 days before she died. She sold it before I was born and I always wished she kept it, even before Once Upon a Time debuted

she sold it because her dad said it was a deathtrap lol... I was like "I never would have listened!"

she always called it "half-assed" because it was an automatic with a clutch.

She sold it and bought a Ford Granada, which she said was the best car she ever owned. I barely remember that car because she traded it in for a Ford Aerostar minivan when I was like 8, but I do remember it had seatbelts in the back. My dad's car did not lol

No one stays in my life. I'm used to that. But I wasn't prepared for what it would feel like when the one person who has been there from the start, who actually talked to me every day and actually cared about me, would just suddenly be gone.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't think I'm ever going to be okay again.

I have my brother, but he has a wife and kids and he gets to go home and his life there is normal, while I'm here in this house all by myself, surrounded by all my mom's things, with her car sitting in the driveway and her shoes by the door and her handwritten notes on the chalkboard, but she's not here and she's never coming home again

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I can't ask my mom, and even if I could, she wouldn't know... she never lost her mother, and she's never lived alone in her life

and it's kind of funny because my mother and I never really had all that much respect for each other's privacy in the first place, and I know where all of her things are because I've looked in all of her drawers and stuff over the years, but it's different now... maybe because this time there's no chance she's going to walk into the room and ask me what I'm doing, so it feels like I'm doing something wrong

it was the same when I got access to all of her accounts, like her banks and stuff, but also her social media, which I have to do as executor, but it also felt like I was committing identity theft or something

she saw my mom once or twice a year, and then just talked over facebook, and as soon as she found out my mom was in the hospital, she made it all about her, to the point that one of my aunts had to message her privately, outside the family group chat, and tell her to knock it off

now she messages me non-stop, and when i stopped answering her, she started messaging my sister-in-law, who has literally met her once in her entire life. she keeps telling me that she and I should keep in touch (even though she acknowledges that we never talk), because "that's what my mom would want", according to her

like, my mom knew exactly how i felt about her and she would not care if i kept in contact with her. my mom liked to stay in touch with everyone she was related to, but she never forced me to do that.

this cousin is not coming to the celebration of life, because it would be too hard for her to travel there, apparently. But she did managed to mention how she's going on a cruise, literally in the next paragraph... apparently that's not too much travelling. She's writing something she wants someone to read out at the celebration... I have not seen it yet, but I already said it's not being read. Every message she sends any of us ends up being about HER grief. She wants me to comfort her on the loss of her cousin. Like, seriously... I cannot.

She also keeps wanting to relate to me because she lost her mother around the same age as I am now, which is true... her mother had a long battle with cancer and eventually she died. She also lost her father that same week, which was completely unexpected. He just had a massive, fatal heart attack, with no prior warning that he had any cardiovascular issues. The doctors literally said he died of a broken heart. She was the only child, and she had no children, and she inherited a ton of money from them. She already didn't work and then after that, she and her husband spent the next 30 years travelling the world, buying a beautiful house, just living a great life. It's not exactly something I can relate to.

But this is the kicker... she has SO much money, and yet she is the cheapest person I've ever met. She would always give my mom gifts, and they all looked like they were things she found in her basement that had been stored there for 50 years, and I used to always say to my mom "you go out of your way to drive there to visit her, she never comes here, and she just gives you crap all the time, when everything in her house is expensive." Her parents were very well-off too... I remember going there as a kid and not being allowed to touch anything because everything was so expensive. They wouldn't let the kids sit on any of the furniture, either.

So this cousin decides she wants to send a gift to me, my grandma, one of my aunts and my sister-in-law, and she decides to send these:

These cheap, plastic, fake orchids. Mine actually had a hair imbedded in the fake grass (you can see it on the right side, between the leaf and the vase, sticking out over the door)

She wants us to put these out at the celebration of life.

My mom had a favourite flower, which were calla lilies, not orchids. Her cousin claims they were best friends and basically like sisters, but she doesn't know anything about her. She could have just sent money to buy a live calla lily plant and I would have put that out at the celebration of life, because it would have meant something to my mom.

She purposely did not send one to my other aunt, claiming it's because they weren't as close, but I would bet money it's because she knows my other aunt would call her out for being so cheap and insensitive and making this entire thing about herself, despite having no intention of even coming down here. My mom was always the peacekeeper in the family, and now all that's left is one aunt who just goes with the flow and one aunt who doesn't take any shit. The family dynamic is going to be interesting from here on out

This cousin also didn't call my grandma until my sister-in-law told her too. My grandma has two nieces who she talks to fairly regularly, which are that one, and another one who is currently going through chemo. Neither had called her, and we can give some leeway to the one going through chemo because she's got a lot on her own plate right now, and we know she would be here otherwise. She lives even further away and she just made the trip down in July to surprise my grandma for her birthday.

But the other one... she hadn't called and my sister-in-law said she really should, and she said that SHE just wasn't ready yet. She wants us to have sympathy for her, for the loss of her cousin, but she can't even reach out to my 93-year-old grandma to offer condolences for the loss of her first-born daughter. And she's been messaging the rest of us constantly. She ONCE asked me how my grandma was doing, she didn't ask anyone else, and she didn't even ask any of us to pass on her sympathy. All she did was talk about her loss and how it's affecting her.

And all I can think right now is how much I'd love to tell my mom "I fucking KNEW it!" I've been warning her for YEARS that this cousin was toxic, but she had a hard time seeing the bad in anyone, unless they were being actively malicious toward her. But I would see it and I'd get mad and this is exactly how I'd expect this cousin to act.

Like, she sent a text to my sister-in-law, talking about how her husband is blind in one eye (something that happened a long time ago and we all knew about), but made a point of telling her how it happened the same way... lack of oxygen to his eye, made the tissue die. Like, wtf was the point of saying that? Lack of oxygen to the eye made his eye die and that's sad and unfortunate, but lack of oxygen made my mom's entire brain die and now she's gone forever, and the two things aren't exactly comparable.

But my mom would have offered her sympathy, no matter what she was dealing with personally, and her cousin is now expecting the same from us, and she's not getting it. She also felt the need to remind us about how she had sepsis... like two years ago. Something we also all knew. And also she survived and is well enough to go on cruises again, so I'm not sure seeking sympathy for that from people grieving the loss of a mother is great timing, you know?

Normally I would have spent hours expounding to my mom about this and she would have just "well, I know, but that was really hard on her," and I would be like "I don't know why you're so nice to her, she's not nice to you." But my mom wouldn't see it that way.

I've been so tempted to text this cousin and say "I am not my mother and I will not be a replacement for her in your life, if that's what you're expecting" but i'm refraining... now's not the time for things like that. We'll see when I'm less emotional.