roinwonderland

Ro In Wonderland

Ro In Wonderland

I don’t know

where to look

I dive

into my chest

RED

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know

where to look

I go in

and out

of myself

the door always

half-open

in case one of my fears

decides to come out and play

CATCH IT

I make myself small

and I’m afraid

of disappearing

I look up

PEOPLE

I don’t want

to be crushed

but no one notices

I’m here

How do I explain

to my body

that you’re gone

how do I break

the habit

of reaching out

in search

of your hand

That I won’t see you

that we won’t make it

through this winter

together

that I can’t

hide in your chest

when the world

crushes me

That I won’t find

your eyes

every morning

How am I supposed to live

not knowing when

I’ll see you again

I drown

in a well

made of my own tears

Why aren’t you here

to empty out

all

these emotions

Finally, depression arrives, and I sink to the bottom of my mind. Everything looks gray, I see no meaning in my life, and I wander through the world like a ghost. I doubt every decision I made in my previous state, cancel all my plans, dreams, and desires, and all I can do is cry — I cry from the moment I wake up until I go to bed, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

It’s me, constantly fighting with myself, trying to find balance between all these states. Some days are simply harder than others — days when I’m aware of the battle raging inside my head, and I can’t silence all those voices trying to find a place in my mind and take control of what’s happening outside of me. Because in the end, I know this doesn’t just affect me; it also affects the people around me, who I imagine must be bewildered by every slightest change in my attitude.

But every day I try to silence them — the voices — and let myself be guided by my instincts… though maybe my instincts are just as fucked up as my mind.