The Chronicles Of A Writer

Usually, Victoria Javadi was an unshakable force in the ED. Even being the youngest in the department, she was always ready and enthusiastic to get on another case. She didn’t let most anything get to her.

Eileen Shamsi, however, was the one force she couldn't ignore. Her mother’s visits to the ED were—thankfully—not exactly common. But when she did come down, it left Victoria with this sinking feeling in her chest that just told her:

“You’re not good enough.”

So, she’d glare at her mom until she finally left, then nearly burn herself out, working twice as hard just to prove that little voice in her head wrong.

It was a recurring pattern that few people noticed. Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi was one of those few people.

“I just think you’re making the wrong decision for your career.” Eileen Shamsi says bluntly—no hesitation or concern for how her sharp words affect her daughter. Her voice stays low, considering she’s having this conversation with Vic in a barely secluded hallway near the elevator of the PTMC’s Emergency Department. “I raised you to be a real doctor, Victoria.”

The words “real doctor” hit Victoria harder than she thought they would. She’s gotten good at staying firm and strong around her mother over the years, but she’s not immune.

“I am a real doctor, mom. Emergency medicine is just as real as surgery.” Victoria’s voice is even and as calm as she can manage.

Eileen sighs like she’s exhausted.

“I understand that Emergency medicine is a real field, Victoria. But I have told you time and time again that your talents are being wasted down here. A doctor with your experience and your knowledge should be doing something more serious.”

Just as the word “serious” comes out of her mouth, Dr. Al-Hashimi just so happens to pass by. She spots Victoria and turns to go ask for her to come observe a good teaching case… before she notices Dr. Shamsi right there, arms crossed, practically glaring at her own daughter. Baran pauses, her eyes narrowing as she goes silent, observing the scene in front of her.

“Mom, I know you want me to go into surgery but I'm not you. I am my own person and I am going to choose my own career path because I'm an adult woman who can make decisions for herself.” Victoria’s next argument comes out more biting, more determined than before. She’s dealt with her mom’s betting over and over and over again, her limit is far past reached.

Vic’s mom goes quiet for a long moment, her jaw tense with that disapproving look on her face. It’s as if she’s trying to find the right words to say to Victoria’s—in Eileen’s eyes—blatant disregard for her opinion.

Little does she know, Baran is watching with widened eyes to see if she needs to step in at any moment.

“Fine.” Eileen looks at her daughter with that stubborn look of disappointment. “If you want to be so grown up, then I won’t stop you. Just know that I wish you would use your talents for something better than this, Victoria.”

With another glare and those biting words, Eileen just turns and walks away. There’s no more room left for Victoria to say anything, no room for hope of an apology or some understanding from her. All Vic can do is stand there for a long moment, staring at the elevator like she isn’t sure whether she wants to scream at her mother to finally just leave her alone, or cry until she finally says she’s good enough.

“Dr. Javadi.” The voice behind Victoria comes as a surprise. She whips around quickly, blinking away the tears in her eyes.

“Dr. Al?” The sight of her attending behind her with soft eyes and a slight frown is unexpected. “I was just-“ She glances back to the elevator. She doesn’t have the time or the emotional capacity to get into her mommy issues with Baran right now. “Sorry. I’ll get back to work. I had to deal with something.”

“Don’t apologize.” Baran says quickly, not cutting Victoria off, but not hesitating either. She takes a small step closer, eyes not moving from the girl’s face. “That sounded… tense. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Victoria answers too quickly. The space between them goes silent and immediately tense. The lie was… not very well concealed at all.

“Victoria,” No more Dr. Javadi. This isn’t about work at all now. “I know that I'm your boss and I would understand if you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me. But I also know what I just overheard and I want you to know that you can talk to me if you’d like, okay?”

For some reason, those words just snap something in Victoria. She manages to hold off the tears for maybe two seconds before they start welling up in her eyes, making her look even younger and more tired than before. She would never break down like this usually. It’s just that Baran’s reassurance and kind eyes are seemingly exactly her weak spot right now.

“It’s just—“ Vic sniffles, trying to hide her face as she begins crying, like she could hide the fact at all now. “My mom won’t stop telling me I'm not good enough. She says I should go into surgery and that I'm wasting my life down here, which isn’t even where i’m sure I want to spend the rest of my career, but she’s just so hell-bent on me being perfect and-“

Before she can finish her string of rambling between sniffles and shaky breaths, Baran’s arms wrap around her—as warm and steady as a weighted blanket. Victoria freezes for a moment.

“You don’t have to be perfect. You work hard and you give everything you have to save people’s lives. It doesn’t matter how your career shapes out to be as long as you never lose that, Victoria. You’re such an immensely talented doctor because you care.”

Those words break the dam. In just a moment, Victoria is wrapping her arms around Baran in a tight hug, crying against her shoulder. She almost forgot how good it feels just to be held. To be safe without any expectation of something in return or some greatness to come out of it. Just this. Just… support. They stay there like that for a long moment. Neither woman says anything, but they don’t need to.

“I have a pedes case in Trauma 2 that I think you’d do great on, if you’re up for it.” Baran breaks the silence after a minute in a soft voice, pulling back just enough to look down at Victoria. She sniffles.

“Yeah, okay.” Vic nods, pulling away from the hug with one last sniffle. “…Thank you, Dr. Al.”

Baran’s smile softens as she looks at Victoria. She sees herself a bit in the young woman; determined, smart, holding everything in as best as she can. She doesn’t want Victoria to feel like she has to hide herself like she did.

“Of course.” Before Victoria can go off to the case, Baran steps forward and places a gentle hand on her shoulder, giving it a small, almost motherly squeeze. “And if you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to come talk to me. Even if it’s not about work, okay? I want you at your best at all times, Dr. Javadi.”

Victoria actually laughs a bit because, yeah, of course Baran somehow managed to make her offer of support also about the ED running smoothly.

“I will. I promise.” Victoria nods. And she really means it. “Thank you again.”

They both exchange warm smiles as Victoria steps back, taking a deep breath to compose herself as she sets her sights on trauma 2.