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up at night

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Realizing all of my rumination was just a bid for control has helped me a little bit. So much of my suffering was driven by my inability to let go. A lot of my trauma associated with my schizoaffective disorder is caused by my need to be in control. When you're in psychosis you have zero control over your reality and that is so painful. I still struggle with this but I feel a lot better knowing this now.

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Sitting with your discomfort isn't supposed to be about wallowing in guilt or ruminating on all of the things you've done wrong. It's about handling your feelings with mindfulness instead of trying to seek emotional relief through absolution or forgiveness from the person who made you realize there's a problem.
If you have been ruminating on the things you've done wrong or on the ways you're privileged, and you've been using this to feed a narrative that you're an inherently bad person, understand that this is unhealthy behavior and it does nothing for the people you want to help. Here are some tips to help you stop ruminating.
Things don't have to be perfect for them to be good...
You don't have to be perfect in order to be good.
Hey do you know what rumination is?
Rumination is probably the most common type of OCD compulsion, but I rarely see anyone talking about it. I've talked to multiple people diagnosed with OCD who didn't even recognize it as a compulsion.
Basically, if you have OCD you have terrible intrusive thoughts. They can be about anything, but common themes are fear of being a bad person, fear of hurting someone, fear of contamination. etc.
Rumination is when you get stuck in a spiral. Rumination is when you spend hours catastrophizing, overthinking, analyzing, telling yourself it's going to be okay.
I'll say it again:
Rumination is a compulsion.
Rumination is a compulsion, and that means you have to stop doing it.
I did ERP (exposure response prevention) for my OCD with a therapist! For 9 months! And it did help, but the idea didn't really click until I found this website a couple years later.
And Oh My God. It made things make so much more sense, and I was able to pull myself out of an episode even though I wasn't in therapy or on meds at the time.
Genuinely if you have OCD, or even if you suspect you have OCD, I'm begging you to read some of these articles.
Like this was genuinely life changing for me.
Here are some of the ones that were most helpful to me:
Defining Rumination
How to Stop Ruminating
ERP Exercises for Compulsive Rumination
What to Do When You're Triggered
the worst part about ocd and ocd-like tendencies is that you think hyper-analyzing your thoughts and constantly psychoanalyzing yourself will fix you but that's actually part of the disorder. it's the disorder. disordering.
โNooo dont go to heaven you are so sexy ahahaโ the comic

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Hades Persephone wips! Persephone almost done
โTo know how it ends and still begin to sing it again, as if it might turn out this time.โ
walked out of hell with an anxious attachment style
Mirabel *officially* joins the waiting room ๐
The waiters

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Morgan Dudley as Eurydice Hadestown on Broadway: September 2, 2025 ๐น @bikinibottomdayz