a little excited

Before or after dessert?

[laughs] God, I know. I want to punch us in the super cute faces. –I won’t though, even I’m buying into this goals status we’ve achieved. Soon we’ll be Insta-famous. Hm… Well, we might have to go ahead and graduate first. Don’t wanna pull a Leo and Effy. Soon enough though, Evans my sweet. We’ll have a whole garden of cacti and many kitty cats and bunny rabbits roaming around. We’re on the block between the respectable and dangerous neighbourhood, right?

Will you be Hailie Evans or shall I be Rose Tyler? Maybe I’ll take Greg’s advice and hyphenate.

See now I don’t know whether to be grossed out because you wanna be my brother’s main squeeze– not that he’s squeezing much of anything– or tell you that my sister is way too young for human contact. Either way, at least hyphenate. Rose Evans-Porter.

This is true. Fair point. You keep on keeping on, Rosie Pose. I’m very sure the day will never come where you make even a lick of sense. [laughs] Uh huh, lucky me. Really putting your life out there on the line. Have you considered perhaps a gentle fabric softer. And my hand is not… Little. Right, you’re a regular shadow in the night. I can stay in the basement? Alright. No doubt your basement is ten times better than the place I had in New Haven. Luxury like I haven’t known since showering at Claire’s some weeks… days… I don’t remember ago. Being cute is my main life goal, thanks. Hannah. Well the feeling is mutual. Only you’re not gross. Still totally smoking hot.

You’re trippin’. Your brother is hot, dude. But definitely not the hottest Porter, amiright? Your sister definitely has the best genes. It’d be kinda kinky if we were brother and sister in law. I like it.

It’s Simon, a token of my parents’ undying love for the Better Brother. —-I’m just kidding, it is actually Gregory I-don’t-know-your-middle-name Porter. But uh, thanks? You’ve got my head spinning around in at least thirty different directions so I’m glad that’s not changed. I love… hate… neutralize you too. Rose Simon Evans.

Mhm, there she is. We are– What? I– You… Are completely lacking in sense, you know that? The day I figure out your reasoning is the day Yale comes knocking. But hey, who am I to say no to being a sex slave? Question though. Given your sister and you live under the same roof, how do you propose I don’t tell her? Where exactly are you planning on keeping me? [looks around and picks up his tatty rucksack] It’s not a lot of stuff but… [and takes her hand] Whatever keeps you justifying the fact that you just wanna spend more time with me and my sparkling personality.

Future Rose Porter. I’m gonna have people start calling me that. It has a certain ring to it. 

What? I- I was so careful so make it look like I wasn’t wearing an– Oh.

Gosh, well. I might be. But I just can’t go spilling my totally-not warm and gooey heart out here. We haven’t even had dinner yet, Rose Evans. For the record though, it is pretty high quality. The Cherry Lip Smackers I mean.

Let me take you out to dinner and make sweet sweet love to you, baby.

Even worse, huh? Always nice to be reminded that your priorities are on the right way around. I know, I know. I just caught a glimpse of myself in the toaster. I’m not exactly glowing. But I’m fine, really. I’ll sit once the noodles are on.

The teachers I can understand but I don’t think the drunk guy who juggles in the park is the best source. Maybe don’t follow his life teachings. Maybe look in, I don’t know, Town Square for a role model. [laughs] Yeah, you’re probably right. I still remember the minor meltdown I had for that A minus Sophomore year in Chemistry… That was an empty bath tub and Doritos kind of day. My overachieving’s just coming in handy at the bar now given that Nina and Greg are AWOL. And Nancy never shows up on time. Yay! A lot of meat a– On the side, right. Because that would be– Well actually… Nevermind. I’m on the noodles, you handle the garlic bread. Wondersisters powers activate.

Awww, you’re always glowing. As Benjy loves to remind me, Evans family hair is made of sunshine and gold strands. I just mean your cheeks look hollow and you frankly look like shit. Maybe you aren’t eating and sleeping enough. Be more like me. All I do is eat and sleep.

Great, here come The Notebook flashbacks. Remind me again why I let you drag me into that sit down? Rose, please. I can see the love burning in your eyes.

It’s fine. … Thanks, though. But I’m the teen cliché who ran away, grew a beard, lived in a crapartment of my own accord and then couldn’t hack it and returned to this stupid town. There’s nothing for you to feel… Whatever about. I just- just can’t go home right now. You’re missing out, Ro-Ro. Seriously, it’ll change your life. It’s a gift. I thought our love was unconditional, suddenly there’s rules and showers. In all honesty though, it’s been a while and the idea of hot water right about now might bring a single tear to my eye. [laughs] And yet, you continue to manage. One of the many things I admire about you. You’re ridiculous. I’m not hugging the air around you. My grossness has seeped not the air between us, there’s no escape. Who am I to deny you anything? … Please.

Gregory I-don’t-know-your-middle-name Porter. I love you more than all the stars and the Dorito packs and tiny fat kittens combined. But I also hate you so much, so everything sort of neutralizes out.

[smiles before rolling her eyes all affectionate-like] You bring me dangerously close to it, I have to worry. They won’t let me wear heavy eyeliner anymore if they find out I’m a fraud. But, okay, I guess if I’m still cute while doing it then I can stop worrying. Or worry more. Whatever’s cuter.

Of course, good underwear is hard to come by and it doesn’t just fall into your lap for free. Usually. Oh, I don’t know. I think after the whole supernatural secret swap, you know all the big stuff. And I’m not cool, like, at all. So there’s that. … I have every flavour of Lip Smackers. I went through this phase in junior high and then I couldn’t bring myself to toss them out so I kept them in a box. Cherry, strawberry, apple. A couple of sparkly ones. So maybe I’m not as dark and brooding as I’d like to be.

Literally all I’m thinking about while you’re speaking is kissing that Cherry Lip Smackers off you’re mouth, cutie.

I– I don’t. You’re right, I really don’t. It’s why we work so well and- and I only really binge on Doritos when I’m in an empty bath tub which I’m not. Maybe I am sick. I have been feeling kinda woozy lately…

Oh, the old ‘reaching your full potential’ bullshit, huh? What kind of monsters who believe in you to do whatever you wanna do would ever say such a thing. Potential big-sisterly lecture aside, doing nothing is starting to sound pretty good. I mean, I did something for twenty-two years. Constantly. Non-stop. I was practically born with ‘AP’ stamped on my forehead. Yes! Spaghetti. That’s what I’m thinking about. I could get used to this whole Evans-ly wavelength we got going on here. Mm, true. We can do homemade. Snack on garlic bread while it cooks?

[shrugs] Maybe you’re dying. Or even worse, food poisoning. I’m sure you’re fine. Come and sit down and relax, please. You really don’t look well.

N’awh, gosh. You always know just what to say to melt my cold, dead heart. You gotta cut that out or one day I’m going to turn pink. Plus you know how much I love sugar and the implication of being well-kept, the stone cold sugar mama cash obviously being cheese fries in this instance. Alright, alright. Scooch over.

Hey back. Thank you, I might have missed seeing your cuter nose and very smiling face but I can’t confirm anything. And you know, girls who play guitar are the ones who get all the underwear thrown at them on stage.

[bumps their foreheads together lightly] Aw, you’re cute when you’re worried that you might became less of a scary, brooding, hot mess of a woman.

Ooh… There it is. Loud, squawking, murderous tone just making my heart skip all the beats that would otherwise be keeping me alive.

Yeah well, it’s nice to see you too. I mean, to be fair, there were a couple of times out there I came close so fair enough. What? Not even one tiny tear? Man, I almost forgot how much you wound me. Okay, thank you. Finally! Someone who appreciates the true effort and self-loathing this took. Do you wanna touch it? Yeah, what can I say? I’m a hypocrite. But hey, let’s talk some more about your loins. Um… Well, yeah. Yeah that might be a good idea. Not that my butt is any shape to be looked upon.

Aw, you continue to be the Noah to my Allie. Minus the love and plus the hate.

Sorry, sorry but I could smell the cheese! Not like, of you singing. That was just beautiful and melodic and filled with cussing as per but the actual cheese. Cheese-based product they put on the Doritos. Ooh… Cheese.

… Yeah, you’re right that was really weird. It’s like putting it on sandwiches. I never understood that phenomenon. Um, wow. Yeah, sorry I think just insulted your whole livelihood. That was my bad. I don’t know. I mean, probably something like that. What else does a gal have to do but pour pints and jog on a treadmill? I’ve been spending way too much at work, it’s warping my life standards. But speaking of food, what do you think we should have for dinner?

[eyebrow raise] Are you sick? There’s something really wrong with you. You don’t like the artificial cheese that fills my soul. You’re a cool ranch kind of girl.

Not that I’m at all into Taylor Swift given my dark and brooding reputation…

But I think if you throw in another verse, maybe break down with a rap about the special two for one deal on right now at the store, you’ll have yourself a real hit. … Sorry, I know how you like to be left alone in your time of need and scandalous Dorito shaped love affair.

Hailie! Nah, nah, I always want my wifey around. You get me all vibed. You make the aura all black and depressing, which works well with my overly emotional and sensitive and pink personality. Come, sit next to your sugar mama.

What the fu– Hey! Do you mind? Some of us are trying to sleep he– … Rose?

Wow. Truly, I think you might just be the next Carrie Underwood. And BTW, your Dorito breath is not appreciated here. I’m pretty sure the last thing I ate was a questionable bar peanut so if you could maybe not, that would be great.

HEY, WEIRD HOMELESS GUY, MY MOM DOESN’T LET ME TALK TO STRANG--------- Porter.

I think you just made the cats jump five feet in the air and burrow themselves underneath the couch.

Oh my God, Doritos. I love Doritos. With like… I don’t know, do you have dip? Or- Or something… Tomato sauce maybe. That might be what I’m thinking of. There’s definitely something missing.

Oh my god E, you know you can’t sneak up on me when I’m in my creative space! I’m trying to be the next TayTay Swifty.