Rosa’s Journal

During a three-people video call a couple of days ago, my bestfriend Beatrice asked me why can’t I sacrifice for the group by doing things they want to do next outing despite my disliking towards the activities. It ignited a ton of jabs back and forth, turning the conversation into a competition on who sacrifice for who more. Check out the full deets here.

The question was a painful pill to swallow, which had me rethink the basis of our friendship as a whole. It implied that I was not a reciprocative friend, at least not enough, to the point of being asked to do more. I for one, couldn’t fathom asking my bestfriends that so how could she ask me that?

A few days pass, the damn question still rang in my ears. Like mosquitoes buzzing in your cochlea.

“I’m still taken aback over the sheer audacity to even ask me that. Like I meant absolutely nothing to you,” I wrote on my WhatsApp status.

It was after I saw Beatrice and Elijah’s status hanging out. Just the two of them, watching gore movies (that I said I don’t like doing and don’t mind if they do after they hang out with me later) at a movie theatre. Turns out, whatever sacrifice Beatrice wants me to do is not as important as we both thought, huh? I didn’t have to be there, and the world is still okay.

Beatrice noticed my status and replied, asking if it was about her. Long story short, I said yes and explained what she said that hurts me so much. I guess she knew that I was distancing myself from her but she didn’t knew exactly what until I told her recently.

But what astounded me was, her initial reaction to the issue. She apologised, said it was not intended as a joke but merely something she would talked about to her friends including Elijah. She didn’t know that it would rub me wrong, but since it did, she validated my feelings.

I didn’t expect her to reply so maturely. This wasn’t the same defensive Beatrice I talked to the other night. I thanked her for her response, and said I look forward to resolving the issue soon. No further replies. Great, so I went by with my day.

Later that night, she posted a status. She didn’t specify who, because it read rather general but I knew a big part of it was motivated by me.

“I’m this 🤏🏼 close to cutting off everyone and leaving all (WhatsApp) groups, including clients and families. I’m just a normal human being after all, right? That has her own problems too ✌🏼”

The simple 2-3 second read immediately tore down my perception of her being grown and mature. That was the defensive Beatrice I know. Enlarging the situation to include unrelated issues so she could perceive herself as the victim, that was so her.

I was merely pointing out a part of our conversation that hurts me, and suddenly everything in her life darkened? Come on, does that mean I can’t say anything that pains me anymore just because I don’t want her to feel wholly miserable?

Also, guess what? I have my own problems too— albeit if I want to be a bitch and competitive— that are a lot more complicated than hers. I am also just a human being, who feels and thinks. So why am I, frankly, not an ass?

I went from being anxious and afraid that she’d really cut me off to being more disappointed. I am not saying I won’t be sad if she cuts me off but if she does it, I’m not the one to be blamed.

To say I was stunned was an understatement. It was uncalled for, especially coming from my own bestfriend who I have gone through so many things together with. It was so offensive that I started laughing and get heated simultaneously.

It was supposed to be a normal group video call where we planned on our next outing together. There were three people in the call; me, Beatrice and Elijah. We were laughing and joking as we always do, before Elijah suggested on doing two things I don’t like doing; watching gore movies and karaoke.

The group has been made aware recently that I don’t like doing these things because gore movies nauseated me and karaoke is a burst in my wallet that I do not enjoy. I made these facts especially clear to Beatrice because she is the most defensive member of our group who would always corners another member if she doesn’t get her way.

And it so happens that I’m always the member that gets cornered.

I told them I didn’t want to do those things, and if Elijah wanted to do them, she can do them after our three-member outing with Beatrice. I don’t mind, I emphasized. Beatrice however, felt the rejection inadequate. She started asking me what was the real reason behind my decline, as if I need another reason?

I answered her honestly, I said I don’t like doing them. That was her peak.

“Why can’t you sacrifice?” her question rang in my ears.

She started ranting how throughout our friendship, she had sacrificed so much for me by doing things that I like although she didn’t particularly like them. It was so bizzare to sit and listen because her argument implied that I was the worthless friends who never reciprocated or acknowledged her efforts. When in my POV, I have always tried to do it constantly.

Bewildered by the audacity of her entitlement over my boundaries as a person with feelings and thoughts, I fought back for myself. I started going over what I sacrificed for her— even though upon reflection, the list sounds ridiculous because none of them are actual life-threatening sacrifices— since I didn’t want to give in.

It was the first time I stood up for myself, started drawing boundaries over what I want and don’t want to do, even with friends. Particularly, with friends, and this is how they responded? I’m disappointed.

It was even more devastating because immediately when I started defending myself, she was vehement on tearing it down and rebuked my contributions.

“If you didn’t like it so much, why are you happy while doing it back then?”

“See even when I do it, I wasn’t enjoying it as much as you do.”

“I did it more.”

At that point, I couldn’t help but started laughing. It’s not a discussion, it’s pure attack. Towards your own bestfriend. It made me question our whole friendship, from the moment we know each other up until now. She has always been keeping score, even though she said she didn’t care before.

Now all of a sudden she wanted to weigh out our sacrifices, ultimately telling me to my face that my value has a chance of being lesser than hers because I didn’t sacrifice as much. What’s the point of the friendship anymore?

To her, your value is tied to what and how much you can bring to the table.

And to her, I bring nothing as much or important as her.

It made me feel like I have to be more vigilant if I want to stay in this friendship. I have to record what I did, when I did it and why I did it just to build a strong defense in case I need it.

It made me think, is that the kind of friendship I want?

Since then, I have avoided all contacts, texts and calls. Beatrice may think there is nothing between us, or unsurprisingly know something is up, but whatever it is, I’m taking some time to reflect on why I feel this way.

I don’t think of dissolving the friend group, oh no, but I do think of drawing a bigger distance between us. Like, afterwards, both of them— yes, even Elijah— will never catch me asking them to do things that I enjoy but know they don’t. I will not ask them to participate in anything I like anymore because I don’t want them to bring it up like a dark past or honourable sacrifice in the future.

It is disheartening but I have to. I want to protect my boundaries, friends or foes.

It wasn’t easy at all. The coming days witnessed my eyes red and swollen. I cried until my chest hurts, and my throat screamed for air.

I felt like I was punished for doing perfect. I considered myself great at my job. My colleagues thought the same thing too, until my former Company decided to dissolve my department out of the blue.

Out of anger. Out of fear.

Of my mentor, who has been outspoken about their mismanagemet from Day 1.

Who happened to be the founder of said department.

I became collateral damage in the heat of their battle. Out of legal precedent, they took me out of the equation first before they could bring down my mentor. They made me choose between inter department or retrenchment, by which I saw no growth in the former, pushing me to accept the latter.

No discussion, PIP (Performance Improvement Plan) or warning issued. The department was dissolved immediately, I went through offboarding the same day it ceased to operate and given merely a week to ponder.

It was a constructive dismissal. It was unfair judgement to me, but it happened.

I am now left in the ruins of it all. Forced to keep going, collecting what pieces left that I can use to find me some fending. Their battle ensue, I help with what I can but nothing will ever change the fact..

..that I am collateral damage. Innocently enough.

If the mankind will not be fair to me, I know Allah SWT will. I believe Allah SWT will avenge me. I believe Allah SWT will save me.

I believe Allah SWT will not let my wrath doused without first burning everything down.