Take Me Back to the Start

He’s a stubborn man, once he get’s something in his head he’s got to follow it through. I guess that’s where I get it from and if these babies decide to get my stubborn gene.. then… we’re doomed. 

I don’t think being stubborn is always a bad thing. I mean, it can come in handy when it comes to getting what you want and getting other people to give you what you want. I would know from experience. I’m sure he’s got a good reason for the secrecy. 

The twins room. I figured it was best not to try the stairs alone and dad is off in town doing something.. I swear he’s up to something with how secretive he’s being. 

Oh goodness, an American alone in Ireland? That’s never a good sign. I’m sure he’ll be fine though. He’s a smart guy. And if he’s planning something, I’m sure its only for our benefit. 

Can you rub my back? It’s really hurting.

Of course. Let me take my pill and I’ll be right there. Where are you? 

shatteredsongbird:

[Sitting down with a little help she made herself comfortable and sighed contently.] It’s the perfect little space for our babies and I love the color and the fact that we can be in here with them comfortably and not have to worry or be too far away. It’s not too busy, it’s homey and warm and I want them to grow up in a place where they feel safe and secure and like they belong. All of this.. the whole idea of it all is just.. amazing. [She had no clue how Rory had put it all together on his own but she loved it and she loved seeing the smile lighting up his features.] I could handle the stairs, Ror but you’re right, I’m probably better off not trying that tonight. Right here is comfy enough though. As for dinner.. I’d be happy with anything. [She finished off by curling up against his side and resting her head on his shoulder. She was beyond exhausted and she could feel all of the tension in her body along with the aches and pains that came with being pregnant. By that point all she wanted to do was relax and she planned on doing exactly that.]

[Hearing Rachel gush about the room only made his fears vanish as he sat down next to her on the sofa. He’d made that especially for her since he knew she’d need to be off her feet as much as possible until after the babies were born and so he knew that being on level ground was the safest for her.] I made sure it was big enough for them to stay in for a few years until they need to be seperated. Their cribs will make beds once they get to that stage. I was just so excited at teh idea of you coming here with me that I worked for days until it was complete. I had to spend all my money on something right? [He laughed, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.] I’ll go throw something together. You just rest and I’ll be back shortly. [He said, grinning at her before standing up and heading across the huge foyer and into the kitchen area. He set out a few things, thinking that a nice Irish stew would be good for their first official meal and quickly got to work.] 

[Rachel was thankful that Rory seemed happy to be open with her. They needed to be open with one another and be there to support each other even through the hard times.] I wouldn’t ever dream of giving up on you, Ror. You and our babies are my world. [With a small nod she let him lead the way down the hall and when they walked in her breath hitched in her throat and tears welled in her eyes. Dropping his hand she walked deeper into the room and tried to picture bringing their children home and laying them in their cribs.] It’s beautiful. I can’t.. I don’t have any words, it’s just.. it’s perfect. [Rachel was speechless and as she turned to look at Rory she smiled softly up at him.] I can’t wait to finally meet them and bring them home and into this little space of their own. It all feels so real now.. [Up until that point Rachel had been trying to picture how her life would alter, how she would change and what it would be like to bring their children home but now, as she stood in the nursery everything began falling into place a little more.]

[Seeing the smile on her face brought one to hsi own. He’d been worried all this time that she wouldn’t like all the color or she’d think it was too busy. Rory had wanted to pick a color he thought would be considered neutral and then he’d just worked around the wall color.] I read in that baby book that color helps with their development and well, I thought green would be appropriate because its.. um... its binary. It can be used for all genders so I figured why not. I was worried you’d think it was too much. It even has a couch where we can watch TV while the babies rest or right now even. I just don’t want you to be up on your feet for too long and if you wanted to stay in her tonight, I’ll grab some blankets and we can make this your room temporarily. I didn’t have time to make the guest room down here and I don’t want you walking up all those stairs. [He said, leading her over to the couch. He helped her sit down before plopping beside her.] Oh, I almost forgot. What would you like for dinner?

[Looking up into his eyes she nodded a little because she knew her body couldn’t handle anything else happening and she had to trust that she would be protected.] I’ll let you have that but I want you to know that you need to tell me, talk to me. Don’t close off. [One of her biggest fears was being left in the dark and never being told about things going on. More than anything she wanted to be there to help him, to be the support he needed in life and be there by his side.] This is who I am, I’m stubborn. Dad always said if I wasn’t so stubborn I never would have made it out of that hospital alive. [She knew just how close she had come to death, how severe her burns had been and how she could still be at risk of things going wrong with her lungs years down the line but as Rory’s lips met hers she kissed him back and held onto him tightly, trying her hardest not to start crying.] I’m sure that these two little cuties will think we’re perfect even when we’re not and that they’ll always need us to be there for them. Right now we just have to focus on getting them as close to their due date as possible and I know.. I know that means resting but I go mental sitting still for too long. I’m just glad we’re doing this together.. because I can’t.. I can’t do this on my own, I can’t do this without you or dad.

[Rory looked over at her adn smiled sofly.] I promise to talk to you if anything is bothering me. I don’t want to be one of those couples that don’t speak to one another. That wouldn’t be setting a good example for our children and I don’t want to lose you so if talking about my feelings is going to make you happy, then I’ll do it. [He said, kissing her forehead as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.] I’m glad your stubborn. You could have given up on me if you weren’t and I’m glad you stuck by me through all of this. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you for that. [He grabbed her hand and kissed the back of her hand, motioning for her to join him.] If you won’t lay down and rest, then I want to show you something. Its not quite done and honestly, after you fell, I didn’t expect to ever see you again, but I think its time for you to see it. [Rory walked down the hallways, careful not to put too much on Rachel as they made their way to the nursery.] I started working on this when I left Pathways and well, I hope you like it. [He turned the knob and walked inside the huge room, biting his lip as he waited to see what Rachel thought.]

[Rachel was take aback by his announcement that he wanted to marry her and that only made her grip on him tighten. She was still in pain, still scared, still nervous and every other emotion under the sun however she was determined to ensure that they had a future together.] I wouldn’t make it through losing another person I love at all.. The first time almost killed me. [As he explained how it worked she nodded a little and pressed a soft kiss to his neck.] We’ll do this together then.. I’ll set an alarm on my phone and make sure you take it and we’ll.. we’ll do this together. This life.. the good and the bad. But you.. you are stronger than you think, Rory. So much stronger. I remember when we first met and how different we both were but now we’re here and I love you with my entire heart and I know.. I know that deep within you, you can do anything, your love for people is intense and strong and beautiful and I know I’m always going to be protected by you even if it’s from Logan. I just want you happy.

[Rory couldn’t help but chuckle and lift her chin to look into her eyes.] I’m not dyin’, beautiful. Its just a pill. I’m still going to be me but whenever I feel the urge to not be myself, I’m going to the guest house. There’s extra security measures in place to make sure I can’t get inside the main house. I know you trust me, and I love that you do, but until I can trust myself around you again, this is the only way I can ensure your safety. And I’m sure your father will agree when he arrives. [At her insistence that they handle this together, he sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.] Yer so stubborn, Rachel. How am I ever going to win an argument against ya? I’m going to be in trouble if you’re this stubborn abouut every decision I make. [He teased, leaning in to kiss her softly.] I’m not going anywhere and for whatever reason, you chose me to love and I’m not about to risk that by doing something stupid or reckless. I want to do this for us and for our babies. We’re not perfect but I want our kids to grow up thinking we are. That will make me the happiest I’ll ever be.

[Rachel was well aware that the stress wasn’t doing her or the twins any good but she simply couldn’t help but let it all get to her. She was scared more than she was letting on, stressed more than she could comprehend and worrying more than she ever had before.] You aren’t a test subject, Rory! [Her voice was firm and maybe even raised a little more than she would have liked but between her hormones and everything else she was on the verge of losing it. The moment that he wrapped his arms around her waist tears finally fell from her eyes and she held onto him as tightly as possible despite the fear that was still deep within her.] I want you to be happy, Ror, to feel like.. like you, to not be afraid. All I want is this little family with you and to have my dad close by to watch his grandkids grow up and for us.. together.. to start a life we never thought we could have. I want to see you happy and teaching our kids the way of the world. But I don’t want you to get hurt.. Ever… The second something doesn’t feel right you have to tell me.. you have to tell someone.. I don’t want something bad happening to you. Just.. don’t.. don’t keep your distance.. I can’t.. I can’t take that… right now.. 

[Rory flinched at her words, biting his lip as he kissed the top of her head.] This will work, Rachel. Its been tested. Do you really think I’d risk everything if I didn’t think it would work? I’ve got two babies and a woman I want to marry to take into consideration! That’s the only reason I’m doing this. I will not let him hurt you again and if I can get him out of my head, then I’m going to do whatever I have too. You could have lost those babies and then we wouldn’t be here right now. There’s no way we would have survived that. You and I both know it. He’s a danger to us all and the sooner he’s gone, the better. [Rory finished, wrapping his arms tighter around her. He knew he was being selfish but it was his decision to make and no matter the outcome, he wouldn’t allow Logan to hurt her again.] I’m not going to get hurt. Its a suppressant pill. It keeps them from coming out. So long as I don’t forget to take it, we can do anything you want. I just... I can’t see you get hurt again. I fought him once. I don’t know if I can next time.” 

[Looking at Rory she immediately shook her head and got up, pacing the room anxiously.] No, you can’t. What if you try this drug and suddenly you’re not you at all and rather some freaky zombie version of yourself? I can’t.. I can’t let you do this, Ror. I’m not worth losing yourself over and I won’t let you do it. I can’t. I love you too much to let you do something that could.. ruin you. I love you too much to let you be guilty over something Logan did using your body. Yes, he’s an asshole but he’s not you. He’s not the person I love, the father of my children or the person I can envision spending the rest of my life with. I want a life with you, Ror, I want to run around with you and our kids and know that they are always going to admire the strength of their father who fought for them everyday. I.. god I sound so selfish but you need to understand that what happened wasn’t your fault, you didn’t intend to ever do such a thing and the babies are fine.. Yes, I was.. am.. shaken but you know what? I’ve experienced worse, I’ve lost someone before and I’ll be damned if I ever let that happen again.

[Watching her pace the room had his stomach lurching, not because of fear but merely because he was worried all the stress could be hurting her.] I... Rachel. Its... I’ve already started. I took my first pill last week. Its had nothing but successful results in all the test subjects so there’s no way it can’t work for me. You said it yourself, I’m strong. I’ll be fine and pretty soon, all those things you said you wanted, we can have. I want to be the perfect father to those kids and I don’t want to have to worry if Logan is going to scare them so bad that they hate me. I... I have to do this. I don’t have a choice. I won’t let him hurt you again. Or our children. And if that means staying away from you... [He trailed off, walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her waist.] I can’t lose you either but I’m scared. Scared of Logan, scared of what he’ll do next. I know you think this is going to change things but it won’t. I’ll still be me, just without Logan. Once he’s gone, we can be happy again. We can be a normal family. 

[Lifting her eyes to look at Rory her gaze finally met his and she let out the sob that had been building up within her.] You can’t do that.. I just.. I didn’t want you gone.. I didn’t want you thinking I didn’t want or need you around.. I had to try and.. make you see that I need you. [Her voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes glassy and blood shot and as she sat up in the bed with the blanket covering her she kept gently running her hand over her stomach.] I want our babies to know their dad and I know.. I know Logan can’t ever be around them but there has to be some way.. some way we can try and free you of him without hurting you in the process. [She was rambling and probably wasn’t making much sense but she knew she needed Rory to try and see that she had faith in him no matter how scared she still was.]

[Rory willed himself not to cry as he shook his head.] Its already been decided. Yer father thought that was the best idea and I agreed. I’m not safe and I’ll be damned if I do anything to jeopardize your life or the life of my children because of him. There’s a way to suppress him but its going to take a while. Until then... [He trailed off, biting his lip.] We can’t be in the same room. I know you don’t want this. But I do. [He finished, rubbing the back of his neck as he listened to her talk. It took all of his willpower to stay still instead of running to her side. Now that Logan knew how they felt for each other, every little act he did, he had to be careful. One wrong move, one weak moment, and he’d take control.] It won’t hurt me. Its just an experimental drug they want to try. Its safe. I’ll be fine, Rach.

[As Rory spoke she slowly looked up at him and bit her lip nervously. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous about being around him but she had to try and relax, if not for her but for the babies. Curling up as small as possible she tried so hard not to start crying again.] But I don’t want to be.. I don’t want to be scared of you by extension.. What I want.. what I need.. is to be held.. and be able to sleep.

[Seeing her so helpless and scared and knowing that he’d done it to her was too much to bear. The last thing he’d wanted was to hurt the woman he loved and now, it had happened. It wasn’t necessarily him per se but it was his body, his face, so all Rachel saw when she looked at him was fear. It broke his heart but he swallowed, leaning up on his knees to look at her.] I know and I’m sorry I can’t give that to you. I want nothing more than to hold you but I can’t. Not anymore. Logan is unstable, out of control, and until he’s out of me, I can’t do anything with you. Your father will be tomorrow and you and he will be staying in the main house and I’ll be in the guest room until further notice.

[Truth be told Rachel was terrified of Logan now, she had loved him or thought she did but he had shattered that so easily and now she was cautious and weary of getting too close. Her entire flight hadn’t been easy, she had been a mess the entire time and even now as she stood at the door looking at Rory all she wanted to do was cry. Without a word she nodded and stepped aside to let him while slowly making her way back to the bed and curling up beneath the blankets.]

[Rory bit his lip as he walked inside the room, his heart dropping as he saw all of her luggage crammed into the corner of the small room. He could tell she was leary of getting near him and he didn’t blame her. All he was here to do was bring her to his home until her father arrived. He’d already moved his necessaties to the guest house so that Rachel and Leroy could have the main one. Rachel being scared of him only made the decision to move out there more concrete. He rubbed the back of his neck before sitting down, his head a mess as he thought of what to say.] I’m so sorry Rachel. I know what Logan did is unforgivable and quite honestly, ya have every reason ta be scared. 

[Rachel was beyond exhausted, her entire body was aching and she really hadn’t listen to the doctor at the hospital. Instead she had just done her own thing, flying wasn’t recommended but she had done it anyway and now, now she knew that all she needed was a cloud like bed and a solid night’s sleep. She had been drifting in and out of sleep until she heard the knock on the door. Carefully getting up she closed her eyes as her stomach churned and she felt like she was going to be sick again and instead chose to ignore it. Heading to the door she pulled it open slowly only for her heart to race when she saw Rory.] “Hi…”

[Rory had no idea about the dangers of flying while pregnant but he’d heard that it wasn’t good for some reason so the minute he saw Rachel, his stomach dropped. She was paler than normal and her eyes wer bloodshot. All he wanted to do was reach in and hug her, telling her that everything was going to be okay. But he was scared. Scared that Logan would come back out or that Rachel would be scared of him. Neither of those two options were something he wanted to have happen. He gave her a weak smile and waved.] Hi Rachel. Can I... Can I come in?