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i never told you then, but i dislike harry potter because you were in it! or maybe i'm joking, but i figure if you're going to paint me as the villain, i may as well earn it. we all have our likes and dislikes, and there are plenty of things you've said that have made me scratch my head or want to swat at you or a combination of the two. but at the end of the day, life's more interesting with you around, even if it's just to tease you into giving me another one of those judgy looks you've near copyrighted.

you're lying! why are you lying to me, mia? i know you love harry potter & the reason is because i'm in it! what are you talking about? i'm fairly certain everything i say is entirely deserving of your admiration and respect. thank you. i like to think life becomes a bit more interesting whenever i happen to be in it. though, to be fair, you're not bad company yourself. and tell me... do you actually like my judgemental looks? i put a surprising amount of effort into perfecting them.

Phoebe: honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope with this. Having worked with you for a few months??? Tragic.

PRIVATE: So, you left your jumper at my place, which wouldn't be a big deal except Juliet popped round this morning, and was very curious about whose it was. I had to think alarmingly fast and came up with some ridiculous story about a costume fitting. I don't think she believed a word of it, so for both our sakes, we have to keep up the lie. She cannot know. Anyway, I've had one of those days where everything and everyone has been just a little bit too much. Where are you? I think I need to borrow you for a few hours. / @ropattz

( private ): or you could've just told her the truth, because i'm pretty sure she wouldn't have minded. she probably would've bombarded you with questions, though. actually... maybe lying was the better option after all. why do we have to keep up the lie? what if i forget & end up ruining the whole thing? that's far too much pressure to put on me, i'm sweating over here! i'm sorry you've had such a rough day. are you alright? do you want to talk about it? or... would you rather not talk at all? either way, i'll come to you, with wine.

i do believe we make a great team. we could become hollywood's newest duo like kevin hart and the rock. the premieres have been pretty fun and the press tour too. think in the end they actually didn't put us together that much anymore because we couldn't stay serious. pft they stick their "not realistic" comment where the sun doesn't shine. i'd sing something like that too, right away. wait, does this mean that you might be able to get me a small part in The Batman? because then i'll have a little chat with Feige to get you into the MCU. you know, would be funny to watch the movie at the cinema and then suddenly see you pop up in the back of a scene. now that would be such a surprise to everyone.

mate, kevin hart & the rock have got nothing on us. i complained that we don't spend nearly as much time together anymore in the end, and they told me it's because we look like we're in the middle of a comedy sketch instead of taking the job seriously. people need to understand that whenever i work with you, i actually enjoy myself. i laugh, i have a good time... i feel young again! that's got to count for something, hasn't it? hang on... i could probably give you a small part in the batman, but how would your fans react to that? i swear marvel fans are absolutely mental. actually, that's a brilliant idea. do you reckon people would go for it? i wouldn't even need to play a villain. i could just pop up for five seconds in a spider-man film, standing in the crowd and applauding him for saving someone's life. that's the sort of pointless cameo i'd happily sign up for.

do you ever take a break? not complaining if you don't because i'm enjoying watching all your movies but you're always working.@ropattz

no, i never take a break. what i do is grab a cup of coffee, mix in some redbull, monster, lemon juice and whatever else i can find, then somehow stay awake for the rest of the year. i have to keep people entertained, dylan. have you seen mickey 17? that should tell you everything you need to know.