a Day in the Life

One of my core memories was when I was a tween flipping thru the car radio when I landed on Radio Disney and the song I’m Blue by Eiffel 65 was playing…

It was enthralling in it’s expression to my tween-age self and I just latched on to it.

Anyways— fast forward almost 20 years later and I’m wondering why I have such a soft spot for melancholic music. Instantly— that core memory comes up and I realize that ever since then, I identified with being sad sometimes— as an identity!

That realization (and concomitant re-imagining… DM me for details on how to do so) instantly dissolved my soft spot and Gymnopedie No.1— which instigated this whole train of thought— no longer had a hold on me!

I am able to free up my mental bandwidth and focus my musical tastes on positive, uplifting music :)

I don’t know, but I know she will put my heart at rest and my mind at ease.

Feeling homie.

My experience with the dark forces started back in college, back in the fall semester of 2011. I was dabbling in alternate spiritualities, namely, New Age spirituality. I was reading channelings that were filled with half-truths devised to hook you. I read some channelings that were supposedly channeling ‘Ascended Master’ St. Germaine, and I was hooked…

The hot-topic back then was the supposed 2012 paradigm shift that was supposed to happen on December 21, 2012. There was so many sources back then pointing to the same event (all New Age), that it was easy to get caught up in it.

This is where my thinking got the better of me… I figured that if there was only 1 year left before the big ‘Shift’, then the only logical conclusion was that I should withdraw from college (which I did) and go out and proselytize to all my friends and anyone who would listen!

So I got into my honda civic, drove back up to Chicago and started spreading the word. This went on for a few weeks which turned into months until one day I found myself in a smoke circle in Hyde Park.

The freaky thing was then I was so high that when I looked into the bedroom mirror, I saw two black vortexes, like black holes, right where my eyes usually are. This freaked me out for real so I laid down on the bed and that’s when I felt a hyper palpable feeling of love in my chest. Instantly my mind went to thoughts of my girlfriend at the time, and I decided right then and there that I had to go visit her. (She went to school in Northwestern)

I got in my car and drove up Lake Shore Drive. At some point the radio in the car became scarily tuned in to what I was thinking… In the sense that it was playing certain music and certain popular songs that seemed as though they were talking directly to my inner thoughts…

I felt like I needed to relax so I found a parking spot near Sheridan. As I drifted to sleep to take a nap in my car, I noticed that I was regressing to a child-like, inner child state. To cope with my fear, I started to identify with who I imagined was the strongest character I could think of, which of course was the Incredible Hulk.

When I woke up from my nap, I felt the angriest I’ve ever been in my life, as if I got posessed by the Hulk himself. This ‘Hulk’ was self-destructive, with the sole aim of leaving this world by crashing into something. As I hit the petal to the metal and started zooming forward, a thought crossed my mind in the form of a question…

It asked: are you sure there’s nothing in this world worth living for? Instantly my mind went to my family and I had a change of heart— and at that very moment I veered off to the right and thankfully crashed into a tree and not into any human beings.

The ambulance came and took me into the hospital, where I was in what can only be described as a really goofy, spontaneous mood. My family came and took me home and my thoughts only became more regressed, child-like, and irrational.

It got so bad that they had to take me back to the hospital to get me checked out. At some point I fell asleep and when I woke up I was met with bed restraints that essentially had me chained to the bed without capacity to move freely. This is when I snapped, and got angry and upset and started yelling louder and louder until I was yelling at the top of my lungs.

I was alternating between yelling for them to let me go free and for the fact that I wanted to go see my then girlfriend.

Unfortunately my mental condition started to feel tortured and tormented, which I now see was because of a demon that got a foothold from my New Age spirituality that I dabbled in.

However, back then, I chalked it up to ‘psychic thoughts’ from those gawking around me.

The climax of this psychological torture at the hand of the demon was when my parents were behind my hospital bed, praying over me. They prayed over me in Jesus name, and that’s exactly the moment when I was freed from the torment like an enormous sigh of relief…

That was my real first experience with the dark forces.

One of the latest experiences with the dark forces happened while I was in my bedroom, reading some spiritual channelings. (I still hadn’t kicked the habit at the time)

All of a sudden, my girlfriend sent me an annotated version of a spiritual channeling that I had sent her. It was filled with references to Ancient Near Eastern gods that confused me. I felt a dark presence in my room after reading the names of those false gods (demons).

I was instantly aghast as I finally put 2 and 2 together that I shouldn’t be messing with alternate spiritualities. That was when I renounced all those alternate spiritualities, including channelings and astrology.

Today was a rollercoaster of Spirit. (I just like tree canopies)

One of the first things, besides the usual reading and coding routine, was that I had a breakthrough! Regarding the fact that I held a bitter root of judgement against my dad. The culprit? I remember making an inner vow when I was young that I would never be like my dad towards my kids when I grow up. This inner vow… has led to so many ramifications…. I now realize. It led to me not claiming my masculinity to it’s fullest, because I associated that with my dad, and ever since that inner vow— I categorized that as bad.

So recognizing the ramifications of that inner vow led to it’s gradual dissolution. I now feel that I will start to be more like my dad, for the better. I will stop making excuses and apologies that prevent healthy expression of my masculinity. This includes righteous anger. Finally.

Then, out of nowhere, Omar my friend from Moody called me. He wanted to know more about coding bootcamps. So of course I told him my honest pro’s and con’s and asked him some questions of my own. However, eventually, the topic broached that of the Holy Spirit. He asked me if I had read the books by Benny Hinn on the Holy Spirit. I replied that his books on the topic of the Holy Spirit directly led to me turning my relationship with the Holy Spirit online. Night and day difference. Then he asked me if I started to speak in tongues yet. Not knowing if this was in the cards for me yet, I simply replied that I wasn’t sure what spiritual gift the Holy Spirit wanted to gift me.

Omar being Omar was taken aback and insisted that we cut our phone call short so that I can immediately watch some youtube videos on the Holy Spirit that he was going to send me. I watched the videos and was beside myself with the power of prayer that was being taught in the video. (linked below)

While watching a good chunk of the video, I silently asked the Holy Spirit what my spiritual gift was, kind of hoping it would be speaking in tongues after watching David Diga Hernandez speak it up so much. However, God has his plans, and The Holy Spirit gently nudged me into a direction of remembrance that I had previously asked for the gift of interpretation of tongues! This vague memory brought me back full circle because in our last meeting I had encouraged Omar that he should pray to find someone who could interpret tongues! God works in mysterious ways.

Today Eric had a rough day (flask deadlines) Therefore, I had a rough day (ministry) However, there was a breakthrough moment where Eric let me pray over them. They corrected me over my pronoun usage, and affirmed the prayer with me with their ‘Amen’ affirmation at the end. Class was easy again because we’re going over JS fundamentals. So that was a welcome break. I feel like I’m going to be annoyed with JS mainly with it’s different syntax, but the homework exercises this week should workout my JS muscles. After class, the idea to search for LGBT-friendly churches crossed my mind hot on the heels of the earlier prayer moment with Eric. I was pulled to one called Holy Covenant Community Church that seems to pass the vibe check! Hopefully Jessica likes it too. In terms of passing the vibe check: They had a v interesting book study that honored indigenous wisdom, they had a mental health corner in partnership with NAMI!, and it just felt like vibes that may resonate with Eric and also with Jessica. Time will tell. I just gotta keep my head low it seems. The biggest, most sustainable boon for me was definitely the ministry to Eric thread. 🧵 Hoping to weave it into something sacred and sustainable.

today I woke up ~7am and got right to tackling my coding homework. it was an easier topic but I still had to wrangle some info on the googles including how to delete tables. Overall including breaks and such it took me about 3 hours to complete which wasn't too bad.

That gave me enough time to tackle some quehaceres including dishes, ledges, and shelves.

When I ate, I realized that my true fasting was a fasting from bad habits and fasting from fast movement. I'll leave that to the people going to Mars...

Anyways, I had some glimmers of true brotherhood with Eric that I am holding onto for further hope. We worked out his homework together over a discord screen share and I learned more about how to communicate with him.

The filter arrived today so that should free up my cooking predicament.

Oh yeah, I also cleaned the tv cabinet! And I found a gem of a movie called The Gospel of John, which led me to a search for the Gospel of John on Pureflix... and lo and behold they had it!

Mid-watch I came to a realization that I FINALLY, TRULY am giving up my Mars mission of going there myself.

Today was the day that I fully articulated my mission to another person … (therapist)

This event, mediated by a whiteboard where my therapist wrote down the major components of my mission, made my intellectual map of my mission all the more real.

Speaking my mission down from my brain and out through my heart made me feel the raw emotional intensity and necessity of my mission…

My interest in music has been pretty life-long although I can remember the first time I was impacted by a song on a personal level. I was a tween messing with the radio as my mom drove me home from school, when all of a sudden the station coalesced the song I’m Blue by Eiffel 65.

What a Bop! Kids Bop! The melody was so melancholically catchy and the chorus was enthralling!

Anyways, that moment foretold my future foray into music exploration.

The next notable chapter of this journey took place in High School. After some friends tipped me off to the home-grown discovery of House Music, I wanted more. I took to the inter-webs to trawl the main source of new music those days: music blogs and music aggregators: aka Hype Machine.

I would spend hours down the rabbit hole of searching for the latest banger. It’s how I spent my free time after school. And as an aspiring DJ it made perfect sense. 

Which leads me to my next chapter of my Musical Journey: Acquiring DJ equipment and learning to do the ting. All the tracks I acquired could finally be put to use! DJ’ing became the next way I spent all of my free time. It’s what transformed me from a two-left feet type of a dancer to a rhythm-keeping, foot-bouncing natural. This DJ chapter lasted a while, but eventually it would have to shift.

Slowly but surely, I started making a beeline to the source: Music Production itself. After some false starts and fits and go’s, I finally make a whole complete track in one sitting in major part thanks to my Music Mentor/Teacher: Enoch. 

The song started by learning how to download sound packs on reddit and we progressed to choosing one. Inspired, I selected a sample right away and thankfully the boys in the session with me, Enoch and Tadashi bopped along with it. So we started layering drum bits, FX, and finally, a baseline. That moment was also my introduction to harnessing a live instrument to write down a music element in a DAW. 

Sometime in the session, our boy Tadashi was feeling out of it so he decided to go on a walk. As Enoch and I were finishing the track, lo and behold, I noticed that the song we made happened to sound like the perfect soundtrack to somebody feeling some type of way and going on a walk. It was decided: The track would be called: Tadashi went on a Walk.

It was a bop! I uploaded it on my music platforms and legit had it playing on repeat. The magic of this track was that it was catchy and didn’t feel like it ever played itself out. I was brimming with joy as I uploaded it on socials to share and realized that I finally had my first foray into music production, what had seemed like a long-held dream.

I was buzzing from social hyper-interaction off of sharing my very first track. People liked it! My friend Jason said that it reminded him of Japanese City Pop. Personally, I labeled it #lofi and called it a day. However, it felt satisfying finally meeting my peer’s social expectations of my musical ability. My DJ days planted that seed in their minds, and this fateful day finally brought that seed to fruition in the form of a song.

Looking forward, my latest chapter in my Music Saga intends to build myself up right: focusing on learning a handful of instruments while teaching myself music theory, as continue trying my hand at music production with DAW’s. The challenges I foresee include: being consistent, being consistent, being consistent, and learning to learn DAW’s without the benefit of a personal one-on-one tutor. I told myself that during my coding bootcamp busy-ness I would hold off on learning the DAW until I could hire another personal 1-on-1 tutor, however now I feel as though it would be better if I could teach myself intermediary skills that will make those future apprenticeship sessions much more productive and focused.

Indolence wants it all and gets nothing; the energetic have something to show for their lives.

a plain and simple life is a full life.

easy come, easy go, but steady diligence pays off.

Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn your life around.

A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them.

the prudent sift and weigh every word.

the wise accumulate wisdom;

Souls are saved by truthful witness and betrayed by the spread of lives.

The Fear-of-God is a spring of living water so you won’t go off drinking from poisoned wells.

Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding;

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.

The lives of God-loyal people flourish;

God … loves those who run straight for the finish line.

It’s a school of hard knocks for those who leave God’s path,

A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face, a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day.

a cheerful heart fills the day with song.

the diligent walk down a smooth road.

the empty-headed treat life as a plaything the perceptive grasp [life’s] meaning and make a go of it.

Congenial conversation— what a pleasure! The right word at the right time—Beautiful!

God … closely attends to the prayers of God-loyal people.

A twinkle in the eye means a joy in the heart,

… an obedient, God-willed life is spacious.

Ill-gotten gains get you nowhere; an honest life is immortal.

A wise heart takes orders;

The road to life is a disciplined life;

An empty head thinks mischief is fun, but a mindful person relishes wisdom.

The Fear-of-God expands your life;

The speech of a good person clears the air;

The integrity of the honest keeps them on track; but a principled life can stand up to the worst.

When you're cruel to others, you hurt yourself.

The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped.

Blessings on all who play fair and square!

a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.

If good people barely make it, what's in store for the bad!

A hearty wife invigorates her husband, the thinking of principled people makes for justice;

The speech of the upright saves!

A person who talks sense is honored;

Truthful witness by a good person clears the air,

peace-planning brings joy to the planner.

The diligent find freedom in their work; the lazy are oppressed by work.

Worry weighs us down; a cheerful word picks us up.

My son, listen to your father when he corrects you, and don’t ignore what your mother teaches you.

My son, don’t follow [those who do wrong]. Don’t even take the first step along that path.

Planning ahead will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

Don’t ever let love and loyalty leave you. Tie them around your neck, and write their initials around your heart. Then God will be pleased and think well of you and so will everyone else.

Honor the Lord with your wealth and the first part of your harvest.

My son, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be angry when he corrects you. The Lord corrects the one he loves, just as a father corrects a child he cares about.

Don’t envy those who are violent.

God is a friend to those who are good and honest.

Don’t take the path of the wicked; don’t even go near it.