Always, Robin

My dream is to give these to you one day as a way to feel a little less alone. I think it would be unfair of me to tell you to always chase your dreams if I never do the same for myself. Especially when I have all the tools to begin.

I want you to see me learn and fail, so you can know, “Hey, it’ll be hard, but we don’t have to quit.” I never really had that tenacity before, and I know I need to get better.

I want to be real with you. I don’t have my life together or always feel confident in myself. That’s what depression is like. I will not be at 100% and I can’t promise I’ll be consistent with this, but I had to at least start. I had to push outside my comfort zone and try doing something new.

I grew up going to church, and your mom is training to become a death doula after Dad passed. (Doesn’t my life sound like a fucking sitcom?) Dad didn’t really believe in anything. I am not really sold on any one faith but I want to be a good influence — to share people's stories. I think there is so much wisdom to learn from philosophy, religions, and mythology. We can always use them to grow and be better people. 

I know that we love music. I am not really the type to focus on an artists backstories. I normally just listen to the tunes they make. Lately though, I have been digging deeper and I want to share that with you. And look into the deeper meaning in the music. Because their story is as important as their music.

I know dad never really liked my singing and neither do I but I do want to try covering songs. It was never something I had the confidence to do before.

I am thinking about going back to school someday. The first time I went? It was a hot mess. I definitely need to spend time brushing up on all my core subjects and building up focus. I am not sure what I want to do. But I luckily have the time to try and figure it out.

I never felt like I had good role models. So to be that for you I need to be proud of who I am. For you to be great, I need to be great myself. I want to build a better life for myself and show you how step by step.

Don’t ever forget that Dad loved you so much! We had so many fun weekends, hours playing games and reading together. Mom and Amie might need time to share their memories, but they care deeply about you.

My mom and Dad were together for 20 years; they went through a lot together. I want to be able to answer all the questions you have about them.

When it comes to Dad, you were 2 when he passed away. Dad deserves to have his adventures, his favorite movies, and his favorite video games shared with you like he did with me. Your dad was smart, funny, and a bit full of himself. But he was also caring, confident, understanding, and loyal to a fault. You deserve to get to know him in every way you can. 

There are organ recipients to reach out to. I think it might be nice to get to know them. One of them has reached out already; my grief therapist suggested I should write back. I want to share Dad with them. Let them know who lives on in them. I want to find out how far his kindness reached? I know more than just the people he donated to.

Most of all, I love you. I can’t wait to go on this adventure with you, learn who you grow to be, and help teach you how to love yourself. I want you to know that I would do anything for you.

Always,