That White Girl

I named her Sequoia after the tall Red Wood Trees of California. She was so small and frail when she came to me. She had been found wandering the Texas desert at 3 months old, emaciated and covered in mange. She deserved a strong name! One she would grow into. You see, the great Sequoia Trees are earths most massive trees. They are able to protect themselves against all natural threats, enabling them to live thousands of years, all the while growing into something magnificent to behold. That is what she would be, magnificent and strong! 

Although she only grew to be about 30 pounds, her heart lived up to the name. She was resilient, brave, and most of all…she was happy. 

I will never forget the way she looked at me from the passengers seat of my car the day we got her. Her big green eyes fixated on me the entire ride, as if she were trying to understand who I was and why I was being so nice to her. I knew that moment, she was it. 

For the next year she experienced life with me…new apartments, my engagement, and my marriage. She even got a fur brother named Apollo. I truly believed she was made just for me and I looked forward to the next 14 years we would all spend gallivanting through life, adventure after adventure. 

 Fate would have it otherwise. Weeks after Sequoia turned 1 years old, I woke up and noticed she didn't seem herself. Her breathing was labored and she wasn't eating. Within 24 hours she was diagnosed with stage 5 lymphoma. My magnificent, resilient Sequoia was dying.

It was a Sunday evening when she died. The sun was shining and there was a light breeze moving through the trees above us. The people that loved her most gathered around as I held her close to me and told her I loved her. Then I felt her body sink into my arms as life faded from her.

Just like that she was gone.

I cried myself to sleep in my husbands arms that night and when I woke up he held me as I cried some more. I still cry sometimes. I still miss her. I wondered for a long time why God would give her to me just to take her away, and one day he said back “I didn't give her to you, I gave you to her.” 

Some may think it’s silly to love a dog that much but love isn't silly. Real love is beautiful no matter who it’s recipient is, and animals are far better at it then we are, and so much more deserving. 

And when lose something you love, it hurts. No one can depreciate what they don't understand. Remember that. I'm thankful for ALL the love in my life, and all the chances I have been given to love. I love with my whole heart, and my heart can rest easy knowing that a little stray from the outskirts of Austin was given the best life, and loved wholeheartedly during the small time she was here on earth.   

My moms says “You have a ‘once in a lifetime’ dog, and a ‘once in a lifetime horse’”. Well you were my once in a lifetime dog, Sequoia. I know your waiting patiently for me on the other side, and I can’t wait to see you again one day.    

Did you forget the way it moved you

The way that hope seethed through you,

and the way you held forever in your hands?

  And the little birds with there little wings

slapped your chest violently

and you soared up in a summer storm.

  but the rains came down and they washed you clean.

Reminded you of your eternity

and that the heart, it has no choice of it's own.

  The sky, it watched you fall and in it's weeping...

drowned you in it's tears.

And whispered softly through the pain

I wrote this poem awhile back but I have always thought it was one of my better poems. It's about loving someone who can't seem to let go of your past mistakes, just wanting to be forgiven by them and how hard it is to move on once trust is lost in any relationship. 

You have me in this prison

Chained to the things which you can’t forgive

And I can feel my heart dying

And the void it fills.

It fills with the things that haunt you.

With fear, with doubt.

I think for a moment that if I am careful

I can run the scissors  clean along the edges of heart

And maybe get rid of the piece of you

That attached itself with kind words and dream like touches.

I don’t want to live in prison eating stale words.

Drinking love that runs through the gutters and drips from the ceiling

Onto cold walls, into dry, cracked hands.  

Don’t punish me here.

Open the door and let me see the sun

Then you can leave, you can run.

But first just lets feel the sun together

And recall how it felt when it burned in our veins

What is beauty?

I see this so often, woman and young girls struggling with self worth. I see 11 year old girls who look like they are 17?! There are constant reminders in the magazines we read, the shows we watch and the rejections we face that we must achieve physical perfection to get what we want and to be accepted, and to be LOVED by a man. We have accepted the lie that beauty is only skin deep. But I believe, beauty is something we feel, and see with our mind and our spirit, and it comes from the “Wellspring of life”....OUR HEARTS. Beauty is SO much more than the clothes we wear, or the way we look. It is more than physical perfection. Beauty starts on inside and reflects outward.  It’s the way we love, it’s the way we live. It’s GOD in us. When we realize that,and begin to work MORE on our hearts rather than our hair, then that is when we truly become beautiful from the inside out.  I know so many woman who radiate beauty, that people are memorized by,  and it's not because they have perfect hair, huge boobs and a small waste. No. They are confident, kind, strong and gentle woman. That is beauty. That is what attracts people, the RIGHT kind of people.