maleficus

He realizes over time that she’s not as cold, or wicked as she likes to think of herself, and he gradually grows in confidence, and love, I think. I think he worships her.

Maleficent and Aurora💘

Maleficent💘

in which maleficent asks the big questions

inspired by (x):

“I’m gonna tell you a story, and once that’s done, I’m getting rid of you.”

“Sounds like someone finally put on his big boy demon pants.”

“Is this another one of your attempts to prove that humans are ‘good’ and ‘worthy of respect’ and not ‘big fat sacks of dookie’?”

“It went better than we could have possible hoped.”

“I couldn’t actually go skiing because moving at an angle terrifies me.”

“Congrats on the gin rummy win.”

“I thought I was gonna take you down because I used to play all the time.”

“We’re gonna split a bottle of wine and read this terribly novel out loud.”

“She tends to make snap judgments about people, and he’s a guy who repeatedly confirms the accuracy of her snap judgements.”

“If you want to try something spontaneous, I’m your guy.”

“What is something spontaneous that I could do right now?”

“So, obviously, this was a troubling development.”

“Every story about humans ends the same way.”

“Just tell me how they screwed up and put me out of my misery.”

“Do you know what’s happening on earth right now?”

“Women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children.”

“Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charging cable shape again.”

“Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble.”

“I’ll put it into terms that you’ll understand: the gossip toilet was about to overflow.”

“It isn’t a sign of weakness to admit that you screwed up.”

“You thought that ding-dong would do a total personality 180 because of one gentle metaphor?”

“What can I say? I’m an optimist.”

“She helped me realize gossip was an unhealthy way for me to boost my self-esteem.”

“I’m gonna tell him that it sucks very hard.”

“Perhaps I can convince her to handle this the British way.”

“Smile bravely, bury your feelings, and allow a steady drizzle to slowly wash away your sadness over 50 years.”

“He needs to change, and walking on eggshells around him ain’t gonna do the trick.”

“You made a mistake. Your actions hurt people.”

“Either apologize for real or stop wasting our time.”

“I literally didn’t think human beings were capable of such racist, sexist poppycock.”

“You’re a condescending bench.”

“You know why they’re called baby boomers, right? Because the tiniest little pinprick to their ego, and boom. They become babies.”

“Dress is London black tie. That means Knightsbridge black tie, not Kensington, or heaven forbid, West Brompton.”

“I’d advise no one look directly at me.”

“I’m gonna suggest that they make toasts about each other, celebrate their ups and downs, demonstrate personal growth, blah blah blah.”

“As you might know, I’ve been practicing human magic.”

“Dude, magic is always lame.”

“It wasn’t as juicy as some people maybe thought it was.”

“This is the result of months of observation.”

“I know you’re gonna think I’m crazy.”

“Panicking about this at crucial moments is kind of my move.”

“Don’t fall apart on me now.”

“We’re gonna stick to the plan, not do anything radical.”

“I’ve been suspicious about this place since day one.”

“You call her ‘muffin’?”

“I’m getting a lot of breaking news at once here.”

“I know something, and it’s just graduated from hot goss to relevant AF.”

“[Name’s] been helping them become a better person.”

“I was born in a swimming pool.”

“I’m gonna have to sit down, this is too much.”

“I swore I wouldn’t tell, and keeping your word is a central tent of deontological ethics.”

“For the first time ever, I am desperate for you to keep talking.”

“There’s a lot to unpack here.”

“Perhaps we should just put our concerns aside and enjoy ourselves.”

“Open up your freaky crystal mind and we’ll have a cosmic good time.”

“We tried to prove your theory, but it feels like we came up empty.”

“Why does everything I do fall apart so close to the end?”

“We cannot let this slip away from us at the last second.”

“We hope that our early successes make up for the embarrassing mess we’ve become.”

“I don’t think soulmates actually exist.”

“I got a hell of a lawsuit on my hands.”

“A giant hell-hole just opened up and swallowed one of us.”

“Giant holes are bad and we should go.”

“Giant holes are bad, so if someone falls into one, you try to help get them out.”

“I’m not scared. I’m shouting so you know I’m okay.”

“We basically just confirmed that we’re lying to them.”

“Trying to run out the clock and hoping for the best never works.”

“Prevent defense just prevents you from winning.”

“You can bounce a quarter off his caboose, and I know because I’ve done it.”

“He’s the opposite of a box of donuts. He’s a toilet full of broccoli.”

“That was two good analogies in a row.”

“I didn’t lead the perfect life, but I worked very hard.”

“Do you think if the roles were reversed, he would waste any time rescuing you?”

“He is a person in a hole and I have a duty to help him get out.”

“That was the most boring break up I’ve ever seen.”

“I only play games to win.”

“I’m kind of freaking out over here.”

“I’m not your friend. I don’t even like you.”

“You have never helped anyone because you don’t care about other people, which is the bare minimum that a person has to do, just care a little about the other people around you, and you can’t do it.”

you broke into my house?

you were taking forever in the shower.

are you sleeping with this idiot?

never been thrown out of anywhere before in my life.

something very disturbing’s just happened. it’s horrific, really. for the second time, i’ve been thrown out of a woman’s house.

i mean, i appeal to the virile urge in all wo/men.

you need to go undercover, because you’re our best way in.

why is she able to refuse my charms?

people don’t have power over us. we give it to them. you have to take your power back.

i need to take back control. i need to behave like i always have.

i mean, it seems obvious now, actually - i need to have sex with her.

are you gonna help me or not?

you’re quite adorable when you’re flustered.

i’m not flustered, i’m nauseous.

okay, look. let me make myself perfectly clear: i will never, ever, ever sleep with you.

playing hard to get? i like it.

wow. you’ve never been rejected by a woman, have you?

the odds are definitely in your favour out there - probably not batting for the same team, but you never know. go forth and conquer. i know you want to.

i promise, if anyone here hurt your sibling, i’ll find them. and i’ll punish them.

if you weren’t so pent-up sexually, we’d be firing on all cylinders, i’d say.

i certainly don’t need any help getting wo/men into bed.

do you honestly think you can just ask people to have sex with you and they will?

you forget. i love pain.

men - they always want to talk!

we can get him/her back to where s/he belongs, if you could just provide me with a weak spot.

seriously, darling. are you well? the berries are ripe and ready to be harvested - i mean, look at me.

don’t. please.

if i get an STD from this thing, i’m gonna kill you.

is there anyone you suspect that might do this to you?

do not shush me.

a deal’s a deal - especially one with the devil.

i do believe there’s good and evil and right and wrong.

does it scare you?

i mean, how could i be scared of something i don’t believe in?

do i scare you?

either way, he’s going to get someone killed. probably himself.

this love thing makes you all quite stupid, doesn’t it?

just hand over the cash, and no one gets hurt.

i believe that’s a fair request, actually, so just pop her around and the money’s yours.

greedy little jackal, aren’t you?

what is it about you and guns, eh?

what’s up, jackass?

hell truly hath no fury like a woman scorned.

i happen to be an expert on punishment, and i’m not sure it fits the crime here.

chlamydia, the clap, a raging case of crabs - that’s what you deserve. not death.

why do humans think they can rectify one evil with another?

why does everyone say that before they’re punished?

come on, shoot me.

son of a bitch, that really hurts!

i don’t bleed!

i don’t lie. but i don’t always tell the whole truth.

can’t sleep when you’re not home.

the models don’t appear to be wearing any clothes.

you were shot and you bled. no sharp objects until we find out why.

the danger of getting hurt is positively thrilling.

now come on, tell me your most dangerous desire.

we need to get out of here now.

i am dreamy, but try to contain yourself.

i got a taste of danger, and i want more.

that whackjob’s gonna totally get me killed.

tomato, tom-ah-to.

see, that’s why we make such great partners - the ‘he said, she said’ of it all.

when do i get my own gun?

i wouldn’t trust you with my kid’s lightsaber.

if i’m gonna be forced to work with you again, i call the shots.

bloody hell! that hurt! do it again.

you know, i’m quite skilled in restraints.

let me guess, you did him a favour.

i process tragedy through my work.

that favour you owe me… i’m calling in my IOU.

i was trying to prevent more death.

well, aren’t we the little saint?

you are the oldest young person i’ve ever met.

i’m not gonna drink at a bar where everyone hates me.

did you ever consider that they hate you for that very reason?

well, somebody’s not being crowned homecoming queen, are they?

surely you’ve heard the expression 'deal with the devil’…?

people come to me to ask for favours and more often than not, i’m happy to oblige.

i don’t need your sympathy, but thank you.

firstly, let me state that i’m in no way standing up for my associate, but on behalf of myself, and only myself, i think you’re a complete sack of arse.

sadly, the only thing broken was that incontinent troll’s nose.

if i’m not going to look out for you, who will? hm?

maybe next time, i won’t be around to save your ass.

you and my backside used to get on well.

is it my thanks you want, or a kiss?

i don’t do favours for guys like you.

what is it with the men in my life?

act like a child, get treated like a child.

witnesses said they heard you making threats at the door.

no wonder he can’t get it up.

so you’re just gonna sit around and wait for revenge? that’s rather lazy.

i was promised a gang war, and instead, i get a crybaby. this is boring.

you know, they really don’t make bad guys like they used to.

after five years behind bars, a brothel would be my go-to.

i can’t be held responsible for what happens after i give someone a favour.

if there’s one thing the devil knows, it’s that people need to take responsibility for their own bad behaviour.

enough danger for you yet?

you do remember that bullets hurt, right?

you had your hero moment. stay down, or you’re gonna get shot.

ass saved. you’re welcome.

you’re addicted to creating chaos and seeing where the chips fall, to hell with the consequences.

you’re having another one of those 'gut feelings’, aren’t you?

you’ve already wasted so much of your life.

oh, well the good news is that whilst all dogs go to heaven, you’d be surprised how many pigs are waiting for you in hell.

you were never as good as me.

keep your enemies close, right?

who gave that order?

if you come clean now, i’ll go easy on you.

if you really want to do something, you should.

shall we move the party upstairs?

so what unpleasantness felled this heap of unrealised ambition then?

let’s pretend for one second that you’re someone else - someone nice. someone mature.

i mean, getting murdered is probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to him.

i gave up an epic foursome to be here.

call me when you’ve got a murder with a pulse - or at least someone good-looking.

i was hoping for a good shag just as a palate cleanser to wipe the foul taste of boredom from my mouth.

i need your help like i need a third boob.

- knew that was a mistake the moment it came out of my mouth.

i’ll have two tropic wonders and your face smashed into the ground.

i believe they call this interrogating!

we were like fish and chips - salt and pepper - hipsters and condescension!

if we’re gonna work together on this, you’re gonna have to trust me.

nobody steals from me and gets away with it.

he’s not gonna change.

i thought you said lying was a bad thing.

you’re not from around here, are you?

you can’t just smash two people together like barbies and think that that’s gonna fix things.

pardon the intrusion, you village people rejects, but one of you has stolen something that belongs to me.

please identify yourself, so i can punish you accordingly.

i thought we were past you thinking you’re invincible?

a few bad apples shouldn’t paint us all in a bad light, now should it?

you like being considered a criminal, don’t you?

he’s hiding something. we need to force it out of him.

i’ve sat in a parked car and not had sex.

have i done something to offend you?

ooh, whip out the cuffs then.

why shy away from a little bondage fun?

despite all your weirdness, i actually really like working with you.

i have never lied to you. and i will never lie to you.

been a while since i had a good hunt.

you’d never lie to me, right?

stick within the limits of your intellectual capacity.

why do they blame me for all their little failings?!