two headed calf

love really is traumatizing

my partner and I were casually discussing his uhhh recently diagnosed and extremely rare terminal illness (just emmet things) and he was talking about how he was just listening to an interview with wrestler he likes, who has had alot of health problems in his life. and he was relating to him. basically the guy was like "it sounds morbid but I don't think I was meant to be alive. if i was born in the 1800s i wouldn't have made it. i think i continue to have health problems because there's some cosmic shit going on because I really wasn't meant to be alive" and my partner said, even before this diagnosis, he would think that about himself all the time. he's had different issues since the day he was born. and he always joked about getting a "crazy rare fucked up disease that takes me out young" and he did. its happening. either the universe is horrifyingly chaotic and random, or its viciously and cruelly calculated. either way it sucks. i should give up on trying to figure out which one it is.

has anyone gone through one of those traumas where you wake up in the morning and you're like "wow I can't believe im waking up in this nightmare again" just wondering does that ever go away

me and bf got married last week after 9 years, never thought we'd do that! i have pretty strong opinions about marriage and the law however it seems those opinions dont matter since we are all in a world where suddenly, one day, with one visit from a doctor, you and your partner are facing the behemoth that is the united states healthcare system, and probates, and accessibility construction done to our house, and all the things we never ever imagined we'd have to think about before we even turned 40. i'm so jealous of my past self, and people who get to live life like they had even never heard of this awful disease. life is truly, truly unspeakably cruel. cruel and horribly random. that's the worst part, how fucking random. how the one of worst things that anyone could ever possibly imagine is really happening to my life. how mysterious and rare and unrelenting that life and disease is. It is a hard reality to live with.

on the bright side (seriously) my new superpower is that now I’m so mindful and grateful for every single moment of every single day that I still get to have with my soulmate so jot that down

the state of the world is pretty scary obviously but lucky for me my life is pretty much over, so a nuke could go off in my back yard and I’d be like ok. see ya! nothing like the love of your life getting a terminal fucking illness in his 30s to give you a much needed dose of nihilism. I don’t think I’ll give a fuck about anything ever again but that doesn’t feel so bad