mutt

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

roman definitely doesn’t do aftercare in the traditional sense — sorry! he’s either the type to stay inside as long as possible and fall asleep or go downstairs with no pants winnie the pooh style and grab you both snacks and flavored coconut waters or some other kind of hydration. i think if it was a successful fuck (you both came, both enjoyed it, it was fun and funky and reality didn’t hit too heavily for him post-nut), he’s a snuggler.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

he likes his dick. he likes touching it and looking at it and feels weirdly okay with it in direct contrast with how he feels about the rest of his entire body basically.

i think he’d really like his partner’s thighs and tummy. he’s big on laying on you — people in general, when he’s close to them — so having nice thighs he can knead like a cat making bread is a nice self-soother. i imagine him lying between his partner’s thighs, head on their belly, complaining about his day and making weird jokes, occasionally kissing the inside of their knee.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

i know we have a canon cumshot from roman jerking off on the mirror, but I THINK he cums more when he’s inside! and he doesn’t pull out until it’s absolutely fucking necessary, gets all pissy if you try to move or reach for your phone because you’re bored and he’s just lying there. i think before he’s in a relationship with you, he probably gets a little obsessed with the idea of cumming on your face.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

he’s a panty-sniffer and panty thief and i cannot believe i haven’t spoken about this in so long. but he is and to me it’s canon. he’s doing like rob on hbo’s industry — panties on his face, prob jerking off, taking a selfie to send directly to your cellular device. would also probably frame it for you under the guise of a gag gift but genuinely finds it romantic.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

i think he’s surprisingly not inexperienced, but also definitely obviously not very experienced. he’s gotten his dick wet a few times but doesn’t really cum from it, so he kinda has a lot of pseudo-experience where he’s either fucking and not really enjoying it, or not fucking and very much enjoying it (gerri’s bathroom type of stuff). i don’t think much has given him any kind of ability to understand how to please his partner, though; it’s mostly just him figuring out what he can do and what he likes to do. which kinda just ends in him naturally humping into you and whining like a bitch for the most part, talking himself through it.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

facing his partner, seeing his partner, something close. a year ago i would’ve said missionary or whatever the correct term for the ‘breeding position’ is (y’know, the whole legs-up missionary where you’re basically stacked on top of each other), but now i think he’s kind of into a hugging-from-the-side position. probably resulted from an accident one time when he had morning wood and just needed something, and then got a little addicted to it and started meekly asking for it. “Can we do an um…a kind of, laying on our sides hugging thing? Fuck you, don’t — it makes like a suction cup for the dick, it’s purely fucking physical.”

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

he gets into it and all serious really easy but he’s definitely a little goofy if he fucks up. like the scene with tabitha where they technically fuck — d in p — but neither of them cum or really get close to enjoying it. i found the screenshot and so THIS is kinda what i imagine him sounding like when he fucks up for real:

when he not-so-accidentally fucks up, he’s still kind of funny in a sadistic way, not really stopping what he’s doing at all. like he forgot a condom or didn’t prep you enough (or at all, realistically), “Whoops, slipped my mind. What a tragedy. What a terrible, irresponsible, oopsie-daisy of me.” or he sticks it in the wrong hole and just, “Well, no pregnancy risk, so win-win? Don’t act like a virgin, come on, I’ll run you a bath afterwards and you’ll sleep like a baby.”

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

i think he mentioned a ball waxer in the show but walk with me and forget about that. trimmed — sometimes a little too short — and kind of sparse, not very thick naturally. it’s enough to mourn if or when he ever gets waxed, but not enough to give him that kind of ‘king of sex’, rugged, ‘fertility god’ sort of bush.

I = Intimacy (how romantic are they in the moment?)

even when he isn’t trying to be all romantic, he’s a sap. even when he’s being gross afterwards, it’s weirdly sweet. “Did I fuck you up? Be honest. A pretty little ‘aaaagh’ isn’t an answer, that’s not — I require verbal confirmation. Did my baby-maker tenderize your baby-makin’ parts?” and sometimes being weird and nonsensical but still — there, romantically, in the moment. “This is just another way of kissing. Dick-mouth to pussy-mouth. My fucked-out dick is gonna give your cunt a big, fat, wet kiss.”

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

you’d be surprised at how much roman plays with his dick even just through his slacks under the desk. sending bulge shots to your phone throughout the day, maybe even holding stuff up to it for a size comparison if he’s feeling cocky. he doesn’t usually jack off at home or to cum though — you’re kind of his fleshlight, so he doesn’t need to use his hands unless it’s absolutely necessary, and it usually isn’t.

before you guys were together, when he did have to jerk off, he’d typically do it maybe once or twice a day, maybe even three times. typically once in the morning if he has morning wood or at work if you really fucking got to him, and almost always when he gets home, close to bedtime. he’d have pictures of you he’d use that he took without your consent so they’re not posed for or unnatural, and a folder in his notes app with your name as the title, locked, with links to twitter and porn sites with videos that look or sound like you, or even deepfakes that he’s made of you.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

romey + boobies = funtimes. roman likes nice boobs and you cradling his head while he suckles. sometimes it becomes so frequent — he gets in his moods where it’s non-stop — that you’re working while basically breastfeeding him, just about how you would as a real ‘mommy’. which he loves, and it only makes him harder, bucking up in the air through his slacks in the middle of his office while you both sit on the sofa. no touchy, mommy’s busy, but that thought in his mind just makes him sooooo much whinier.

L = Location (favorite places to do the deed)

he likes some idyllic scene, i can’t lie. either the most last-minute location (his office, the bathroom at work or a restaurant, the kitchen while baking brownies, the couch while watching a movie or show — wherever’s available and not entirely in public), or the most well-planned, romantic location you can think of (a balcony in some parisian suite, by the fireplace on a soft rug in a cabin, or the massive rounded bathtub in the italian villa with jets going and bubbles fuckin’ bubbling and candles lit).

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

roman’s big on you liking him. you thought of him, fixed him food, leaned into him, nudged him a little in a way that shows you’re close, or you’re wearing something he bought you. domestic stuff works on him, along with crude comments and weird, sudden suggestions (e.g.: “Can I just ride your face real quick? I’ve had a rough fucking day,” or “I can blow you before work, if that works? I’m kinda craving something in my mouth today.”). i think he probably has an instinctive response to if someone else shows interest in you, too, or you mention some awful ex. not because he seeks their validation or needs them to know you’re hot, mostly just because of the reminder that you’re better than him, you’re this beautiful fucking venus and he’s by no means some adonis or mars. it’s kind of a cuck-y thing, but the actual implication that you like them is — not a turn-off, but a gut-wrenching thought.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

i don’t think he likes scat? as a scent enjoyer, i think he loves pheromonal smells and whatnot, but i think outdoor stink throws him off. sweat, sure, but motor oil after working on a car or something — he’s probably better off just watching you lean over the hood from indoors (and suggesting you should just hire a mechanic or buy a new car). same with stuff like mowing or anything that isn’t simple like fire smoke or sweat.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

he prefers receiving head rather than giving it, but when he does give it, it’s more about him than you. whether it soothes him or he just wants to feel submerged in pussy, he’s not doing it for you to cum, and depending on his mood, he’s either bratty or all emotional and sappy if you suck his dick with the same intention.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

pace isn’t really a thing for him — he’s very ‘go with the flow’, mostly because he can’t control himself very well to begin with. he tends to be quick and it sort of feels like he’s used to rushing, but sometimes he’ll stop and just try and slow it down. sometimes when it’s not a quick pump-n-dump (like the situations described in quickie lol), he’ll try and be all romantic and you’ll catch him. you’ll be somewhere like the cabin at lake tahoe, after a fun morning and a nice brunch, not quite evening yet, sun just about to set — and he has the fucking fireplace on, and he’s being weird and sweet, doing and saying little things that make you swoon. when you cave, he’s quick to suggest making love by the fireplace on the rug, repositioning you if you get in any position but missionary.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

he probably talks about quickies like they’re so bland and like, who would ever want a quickie, it’s so rushed and you might as well just jerk off. but then he’s asking you to meet him in the bathroom at work and promising that he’ll be fast, that he’ll rub your clit and fuck you better when you’re finally at home, put on the show you’ve been watching with him lately and get takeout, have a nice night — just please, let him cum in you, even if you’re not very wet, please.

it doesn’t happen very often, except if he’s drunk or did good at something, which usually overlaps with him being drunk due to the scotches he’ll have afterwards. but just about every time he has to go woo someone and play good puppy for the shareholders, he’ll end up drunk and texting you all sorts of crazy shit, then coming home and slipping it in, cumming in record time. and if you’re with him at whatever bar or underground club or weird overpriced restaurant he’s at with the obscenely rich fuckers he’s meant to buddy up with, flirt into getting them in with waystar royco bullshit, he’ll drag you into the men’s room and make you the luckiest girl in the world. you’d be wet, that’s no fucking problem — of course you’re wet, hearing him bullshit these equally rich, equally dumb billionaires, and god knows you’ll probably cum with your face smushed against the wall of a single-stall bathroom. but it’ll be fun, and make him feel like god, so at least there’s a good reason for it.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

romey’s down for experimentation and risks — especially open to risk when it means semi-public fucking around in his office or bathroom stalls — but he’s also not the best performer. it has to be a sort of risk that doesn’t really result in any harm for him, or a risk that appears when he’s already turned on and it’d be harder for him to stop than it would be to just get weirder and go with it.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

he’s a two-and-done on a good night, and usually only lasts a few minutes if it’s just straight-shot sex thing with minimal prep. with prep and some added fun, not just aiming to empty his balls and get on with his day for the most part, it can be longer — maybe even an all-day thing with some minimal teasing.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

roman probably owns some toys but not a lot? i think he’s outwardly the type of guy to act like ‘the vibrator is your friend and it has the same goal as you’, but then when you actually use the vibe (especially if you use it alone) he gets all, “You could’ve just come to me, and I could’ve gotten you off. Because that’s kind of my job instead of vibrating plastic’s job.” he finds it a little cynical but if you’re using the dildo he had made for you (which is just a replica of his own cock that he bought you as a not-so-gag gift), it’s the most romantic thing in the world.

he would be fine with toys for himself, but he’s so sensitive it’s kind of like, where’s the fun in that? it’s more fun to get the same result from just sucking his balls and jerking him off. just say something sexually weird and kind of sweet to him and it’ll be just as entertaining, plus he’d probably prefer it. something about touch and touch deprivation really does him in.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

i don’t think it’s intentional, but he teases a lot, mostly because he’s just naturally kind of selfish. like he sort of forgets you don’t cum untouched every time you blow him while he watches a movie. so he unintentionally kinda edges you, and it sort of just makes the next time better for you both.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

he’s whiny and high-pitched, and when he’s doing the real shit — dick inside of you and real penetration — he likes to talk a lot. when you’re blowing him he’ll sometimes just ramble and talk like normal, like he does when you’re making out, just complaining about his day or yammering about something-or-another. if you’re doing something specific that he really really wanted, he’ll definitely concentrate on crude comments surrounding the fact that it’s happening. the first time you ask for anal or give him real permission beforehand, he’s definitely making quips about how this is the new main attraction, you’re gonna get addicted to this, threatening pussy neglect, blah blah blah. he gets obsessive.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

i think he usually gets the munchies after sex which is very cute to me…and he’s probably a ‘i did good so i deserve a scotch pronto, stat, immediately’ kind of guy, the same way he is with business. success at sex or business equals snacky time and scotch time, and then bedtime. i can kinda see him finishing and just immediately being like, “Okay, so…pad woon sen, dumplings, spring rolls, and two low-fat thai teas? Sound good?”

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

i think roman’s a little thicker than average, but pretty average in length. it’s nothing to write home about, but obviously — since we canonically know what his tip and a little bit of what his underside looks like — it’s pretty enough to make it a real treat.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

high-ish. naturally it’s very high — because roman’s a fiend as we can tell — but i think he also has some exceptions to his ‘wanting something sexual in some way 24/7 and never wanting to drag his dick out of you’ principle. because as much as he jokes about wanting to stitch your hole to his dick and gets all gross about it just to watch you squirm and get grossed out (“I’m sure some fucked-up French doctor would do it. I mean, as long as you’re fine with me pissing in you, I’m fine with you pissing on my balls.”), he also is a romantic at heart. he wants to make a charcuterie board and watch a movie tonight, must dick always be on the table? but god knows if you excitedly mention sitting on his face or showing off a new bra, his sappy plans are put to the back burner.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)