Rin's Escape

Not saying much here recently, just trying to gambatte and move on. It's kind of hard, every week is a new emotional roller-coaster. Relapsed a bit recently, trying to do better. Who ever said life is a bliss, is a fucking liar. It's a constant emotional fight with myself and the world.

Kind of upset I can't wear jirai this summer.. It's not like there aren't short sleeves, it's because I don't want to expose my arms to the sun so my scars can heal better. And sadly jirai clothes are just made in cheap polyester that makes you sweat like hell because it's definitely not a breathable fabric.. I haven't been posting jirai outfits in a while anyway because my mood has been so low my social anxiety went up and I can't bare the idea to stand out from the crowd..

Too angry/pissed but resisting the urge to not talk/respond to them...

Since I was a preteen, I've always dreamed of forgetting my life, my current self, down to my name and become an entirely different person.

Haven't post in a while, I'm on calls with friends a lot and the rest I'm walking listening to music. Still no job, nothing. Started to feel really down again since my last post. On that moment I relapsed after staying clean for like a month? Then relapsed again a couple times. The frequent suicidal thoughts coming back again, the feeling that none of my friends actually care about me, that they are liars because there is nothing pleasant or good about me. That they will abandon me anyway after being too fed up with my stupid ass. I know (I think?) that it's not true and I shouldn't listen to those voices, but when it happened so many times, it's hard to believe otherwise even if I want to. When I'm told "I won't abandon, I care about you." it hurts because I've been told those exact words so many times in the past. Because all those people prior lied to me. Is there any thing good about me anyway? I guess that's just an excuse (still based in some truths) that if I died, no one would care.

What is being a normal and functional member of society? Definitely not cutting yourself in the mall toilets.

My ex "christmas present" for me were wireless earbuds. After 30min of charge only one of two worked. I thought they might need more time to charge as they were just straight out of the factory. They charged for a good 4/5 hours. The second earbuds never worked despite all my efforts. It's gonna go straight to the trash just like him. 🚮

Not my ex sending me a package through the mail while I'm away (my roommate got it for me) and not even telling me about it? Like, ok he sent me back the dvds I lent him 5 years ago, but why a Christmas present? I still don't know what's in it bc I ask my roommate not to tell about it, for it to be a little surprise I guess. I'll check that tomorrow when I'm back home. But we're way closer to my bday than Christmas so... Anyway, if it's not actually useful, imma probably throw it away, sell it or give it away..

The more I think about my ex, the more I realize that asshole clearly manipulated me and never truly cared about me. I mean, the 1st obvious red flag : we went out for over a year and half, he NEVER ONCE told me "I love you". In his words that's because he was not the romantic kind at all, so I simply hoped he would still say it to me very occasionally at best.. Then how he wouldn't let me talk to his friends when he had them over the phone or whatever... Actually rarely ever saw (at best a couple times) pictures of him with his friends/family. Without them being a good couple years old or way older when it came to family pics. I never saw "recentish" pictures of his family?? (Which he is very close to mind you.) Just like I can't get over the fact he used to tell me all the time I was "mature for my age" (he was several years older than me but we met when I was already an adult) and suddenly, the last time I saw him, he casually dropped a "You're not very mature but I find it endearing". Like, I don't care if he finds me mature or not, but why SUDDENLY change your mind after years of telling me the opposite??

I'm so tired. Emotionally it feels like I'm going around in circles and it's worsening through the years. I don't know for how long I can do that..

I hate how attention deprived I get in only a few hours.