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What makes abuse narcissistic?

To begin with, the term "narcissistic abuse" is not a clinical term with a standard definition, and typically isn't used by domestic violence organisations and services. Abuse, in any form, is inherently selfish; labelling it as narcissistic is not beneficial to understanding the form it takes.

Here are some descriptors for abuse as used by Refuge, Women's Aid, and Safe Lives.

There is nothing unique about the abuse described by narcissistic abuse coaches; nothing that isn't already better described by terms like emotional abuse, tech abuse, financial or material abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and so on. The abuse and manipulation tactics these supposed educators describe ARE real, but they are can all be categorised by the previously mentioned forms of abuse.

Why are people drawn to the term?

Some abuse survivors may gravitate towards the idea of narcissistic abuse because they feel it carries more weight than the concept of emotional abuse. Because the violence of emotional abuse is invisible, it is widely dismissed as less real or severe, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Emotional abuse is as psychologically damaging as physical abuse - in the brain, the trauma of both present the same.

Emotional abuse is real and soul-destroying; we would do better to shape a future that acknowledges that, rather than feeding into the narcissistic abuse industry as we seek validation of our deep, life-altering pain.

Narcissistic abuse is a distraction

Narcissistic abuse "experts" may or may not be aware that what they are spreading is misinformation designed to keep you trapped in a victim mentality and distracted from the very real systemic issues that play into a person's choice to become abusive. They are using mental illness, particularly NPD, as a scapegoat, absolving abusers of their agency and brushing over the systemic factors that enable abusive behaviour.

What do I mean by that? Abusive behaviour is enabled by power dynamics. The majority of perpetrators of sexual abuse are men. Hate crimes against transgender people are perpetrated by cisgender people. Black people are abused by White people and children are abused by adults - not exclusively, of course, but still all of the time. These perpetrators aren't typically acting that way because they are ill, they are acting that way because we live in a world that enables them to: the privileged feel entitled to take from the marginalised without repercussions or even a second thought.

Labelling the perpetrator a narcissist, blaming the abuser's actions on a mental illness, all that does is distract abuse survivors from the wider issues - and from taking action to make real change. Meanwhile, narcissistic abuse "life coaches" and "experts" can endlessly sell their narrative to you through their books and online courses: a narrative that keeps the survivor trapped in a victim mentality, unable to find personal meaning in our traumatic experiences and move forward. A narrative that focuses on individual healing but remains ignorant to the very relevant systemic factors at play.

Most abusers aren't narcissists

Another issue with the term narcissistic abuse is that it encourages people to label their abuser as a person with NPD. The truth is, NPD can only be diagnosed through a thorough mental health assessment by a professional, and very few perpetrators of domestic violence would actually meet the criteria for NPD if they went through this assessment. This up-spike in armchair diagnosing this disorder has led to a massive increase in misinformation and misunderstanding of what NPD is, but it also gives abusers an excuse to avoid accountability or having to change their behaviour.

Some perpetrators of abuse and domestic violence welcome this misdiagnosis because the narrative that "narcissists can't change" absolves them from ever having to try to.

People with NPD suffer

Information about narcissistic abuse is everywhere, with claims such as that narcissists only cheat and lie, that they cannot change, that they are incapable of love, and they thrive off of seeing others suffer. Google 'narcissists are...' and you'll find endless results about NPD - people are conflating those claims with narcissistic personality disorder. But these are demonising generalisations that hurt people who are already hurting.

Narcissistic personality disorder is traumagenic i.e. it is formed through trauma. People with NPD are survivors of abuse and trauma in their own right.

When you tell people, repeatedly, constantly, from every direction, that they are incapable of change or kindness, you are more likely to create the very monster you're so afraid of. No, people with NPD are not inherently more likely to be abusive than anyone else, but it IS traumatising and demoralising to hear this kind of hatred and condemnation everywhere online, all of the time. It does not create the conditions under which people with NPD can best heal, recover, and break the cycles of trauma they've inherited and lived through. Those of us fighting for recovery are doing it in the face of endless, inescapable vitriol.

We should talk about abuse