i feel like this really reflects how suicidality is a sociological condition as much as it is a psychological one. death can only be preferable to a life of servitude and suffering with nobody else to rely on for support, which is really only a slower death by a thousand cuts, little by little, unseen, without dignity or relief, to put food on the table or keep a roof over your head.
but death - real, permanent death - is not an opportunity. it isn't liberation. it's simply another ending you don't get to write. when the choice comes down to whether you'll let someone with a gun to your head take the shot or pull the trigger yourself, of course you're going to resist, no matter how many times you've already faced down the length of the barrel; felt the ghost of it pressed cold and hard against your skull. especially considering that caul is disabled, and has spent her life feeling the limitations of her body more acutely than most. to accept death as her fate, no matter how welcoming, can only feel like admitting defeat and allowing herself to be failed by everyone around her, including herself, one last time.
amandla
pixelskylines
prguitarman
discoholicmusic
izzy806
gummygunk
