-N

though I wish I could hold you tighter

than I could ever consider

wishing on every star that this is more than what anyone could ever think of

trust doesn’t come alone

twisted in bedsheets

head full

stomach so empty

nothing to fall into

not allowed to indulge

in what could make the instant lighter

because nothing matters

a cigarette burning like the fleeting days

consumed to death bitten till no breath

the watch glaring at me, severe yet as a cue of what occurred

vichy shorts, dark underwear, scouts honour

soft touches and bold hours

all that’s left is a hope stinging in between my ribs

a sore throat invariably silkier than the nose bleeding, drops all over the kids

souls crushing

what could’ve seen

times flies

taking with it the sparks

of the very start

far yet the daisies are not envious of what is—

except for the scenes and smiles

you provoked

the weeds you can crush

the sun kissing your cheeks

crush me like the sugar-rush

that blood boiling instant of the beginning

what could’ve been

might have after all

persisted

in one’s mind

trapped between here and

these promised softer days.

knock

knock on my door

Somewhere, a voice breaks
the one who never found the courage
to ask you to stay
its echo caught beneath the arches
of Pont des Arts,
soft as regret,
endless as water.

And yet
you are here.

Red pants brushing closer,
a quiet gravity pulling you into me,
as if a single week
has rewritten the language of time.

I am impatient with distance,
with the idea of later
when now is already too brief.

So let the world wait.

Let me sit beside you,
shoulder to shoulder,
while the Eiffel Tower flickers
like a secret we almost speak,
shimmering between buildings,
between breaths,
between the things we dare
and the things we don’t.

i’ll sweeten your hands

for a moment

then leave only the scent behind

peeled open,

sectioned,

devoured without ceremony

until even the memory tastes faint

i am the game you swore you loved,

now missing pieces,

a rulebook no one reads

the toy you begged for

now dust-soft in the attic,

sunlight touching it

more than you ever did

i am the almost

the version of us

that never learned how to stay

because that’s what happens with me:

i arrive,

i am wanted,

i am used to completion

i loosen from your grip

so don’t linger here

don’t mistake this for something that holds

you won’t get trapped

i am always already

a cocktail of tears, joy, and wandering eyes.

strangers collide,

lovers hesitate,

some don’t look back.

“distance makes the heart grow fonder,”

echoes somewhere between platforms.

warm embraces held a second too long,

a cold shiver as the last train exhales and leaves.

shy kisses

fingers intertwined like something to remember,

or something already slipping.

secret relationships in quiet corners,

loud loves unraveling in plain sight.

goodbyes have never been something I’ve been good at.

they arrive before I’m ready,

leave before I understand.

a decision never meant to be my own

yet here I am,

carrying it anyway.

Mia & Sebastian’s Theme

playing somewhere in the background,

like it always does

when something beautiful is ending.

I was only ever good at leaving

like water,

like something that never asks to stay.

the sun still rises

for my starry, tired eyes,

as if nothing broke.

but it boils in my blood

the one-sided oath,

the secret never kept.

no tears left.

just the echo of them.

lingering anger

humming beneath the silence.

and one last thought,

as the doors close

standing tall among the sea of flickering lights,

knees bleeding from preaching too hard.

if the lilies were a dare, it was one you never took,

one you could never bear.

get rid of my flesh, as it is nothing more than what you could know,

transforming my wishes and habits.

you chose not to know her—

1,2,3 it will happen to me

a handful of gum, a lighter and 2 cigarettes

half an apple, a band shirt and that stupid blond strand of hair

1,2,3 it has happened to me

who am i if desire’s out the table? if love was never meant and if words mean nothing

bite the apple

empty pocket, my throat is tight

1,2,3 it’s happening to me

i knew it would

two feet in, and crossed fingers

1,2,3 it will happen to me

pinkie promises never meant a thing

from childhood hours

i never belonged

to sprinkles or glitter.

i dreamed of toys

that would never learn my name,

small wishes left

on unreachable shelves.

silence was a punishment

i wore like a room with no windows.

i dreamed of being a mother,

carrying the quiet ache

as if grief were an heirloom

passed from body to body.

i wandered the neighbourhood streets,

looking into other lives,

wishing i could grow

into something

i had never been given.

now there is a weight

turning slowly in my gut,

a pain so deep

it feels like a language

no soul should have to speak.

from childhood hours

i never wanted to be small.

and now

smallness is the only mercy

i know to ask for.