kisu!

so i’ve been gone for a while. life has been busy and tbh i don’t really feel that comfortable being SUUUUPER into kpop. everything is just weird in a lot of kpop communities, even ones i’ve been apart of since i was a literal child (ncity)..

that said, i won’t be posting here that actively, i’ll still keep my account up for reading and in case i feel like writing again.

i just want to show gratitude and say thank you to everyone who has liked and read my fics! and written amazing ones themselves <3 love you, stay safe, take care of yourself and always stay true to yourself!

song eunseok x reader / smut (minors dni) / angst / eunseok as your evil situationship / drinking & being drunk / smoking / cursing / self sabotage (lol) / pretty heavily inspired by heated rivalry / hurt no comfort (yet?) / ft. riize, p1harmony & nct members

the short but bitter ‘we didn’t even kiss’ playlist: reneé rapp - i can’t have you around me anymore niki - tsunami charli xcx - every rule troye sivan - postcard ariana grande - twilight zone sabrina carpenter - the sharpest tool sabrina carpenter - don’t smile taylor swift - down bad feist - my moon my man

˚₊‧꒰ა ✦ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

you were done with it, officially. you were done being jerked around by someone like him, someone who thinks he is too good to have feelings or communicate. someone like song eunseok.

1 year and 7 months ago.

you were on your way to the 7-11 by your workplace. you were already late but you had to get some sustenance to make it through the day, even if it was just a candy bar and an energy drink. or maybe a pack of cigarettes.

you were clumsy by nature, this feature only heightened by your current situation. it happened, oh, so quickly. one moment you were opening the door, the second you were on the ground, hands getting scraped by the pavement.

“what the fuck!” you yelped before looking up at the culprit. black bangs almost covering his eyes, black hoodie and grey sweatpants. your eyes locked with the stranger and his mouth formed in the shape of an ’o’. he stood there feet glued on the ground. 

you glared at him before quickly scrambling to get up. “a ’sorry’ would be nice.” you said in the most polite voice you could muster. you then looked to the ground to see your phone, looking up at you with its’ screen shattered.

“oh shit, my bad. i’m so sorry,” the man finally spoke up, his ears turning red at the tips. you picked up your destroyed phone, assessing it for more damage before turning your eyes to him again.

“i’m excpecting some sort of compesation, just to be clear.” you stated bluntly, feeling the frustration of the morning prickle in the corner of your eyes.

“yeah, of course! do you have any paper?” he asked. you digged through your work bag, taking out a page from your notebook and your trusty my melody themed pencil. he took them from your hands and paused momentarily. “cute.” he stated under his breath while smiling at the pen.

you felt a smile tugging at your lips and the heat rose to your cheeks. you had to admit, you could’ve ran into someone less attractive. but you ran into him, face sculpted like god took his time with him, tall and lean body towering over you.

once he was done, he handed the paper to you. “song eunseok.” you read out, in a curious tone. “yeah, that’s me. and my number, so when you get the chance you can contact me.” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets shyly. you thought he was an asshole but you were already warming up to the stranger or well, eunseok.

“thank you, i’ll borrow a friend’s phone or something,” you smiled at him despite your current situation. “i gotta run, but talk to you later, i guess?” you said, making your way past him, the scent of his cologne making its way to your nose. tall, handsome and he smelled amazing.

shit.

“i’m sorry, again,” he said and gazed at your face for a moment too long to feel entirely casual. “it’s okay, you’re okay!” you assured him before waving your hand and finally making your way inside the 7-11.

1 year and 6 months ago.

“and he never replied, i should’ve known he’d just scam me! i bet he gave me a fake name.” you groaned before flopping down to the couch, stretching your legs over anton’s thighs.

he just snickered at you, before tapping the skin of your calves with his fingers. “what was his name again?” he questioned and took a sip of the tea you had brewed for the two of you. “song eunseok.” you said and made air quotes with your fingers and rolled your eyes.

“i think sungchan has a friend who has a friend named eunseok?” he offered and your eyes lit up. “and you’re telling me this now?” you almost yelled at him as you sat up to look him in the eyes. anton looked like a deer in headlights before giving you an apologetic smile. “well, i kind of forgot what his name was since you ended up buying a new phone by yourself.” he defended himself and shrugged his shoulders.

“don’t you have sungchan’s number? just ask him.” he offered.

1 year and 4 months ago.

to be fair, you had already forgotten about the phone incident. you handled it by yourself, like an adult. well, you texted sungchan, who proceeded to tell you that his friend had only went to summer school with an eunseok and his friend wasn’t in contact with him anymore.

of course.

so, you just gave up and continued living your life, free of phone breaking model faced guys.

it was a cold october night so naturally, you were huddled in a bar with your friends. you were sandwiched between anton and shotaro, your fling of some sorts. anton had introduced you two to each other at one of his swimming competitions and you two hit it off immediately.

shotaro was kind-hearted, smart, incredibly funny and as incredible in bed. so, the perfect package but you weren’t sure if you wanted a boyfriend on top of all the things you had going on. a demanding job which left you no time for relaxation outside of saturdays and sundays, if you got lucky. your apartment was a mess on most days and you ate ramyeon for dinner more often than you’d ever admit.

you were currently refereeing an ongoing argument between sungchan and sohee, who had been debating whether people should pour milk or cereal first. you were honestly impressed by their shared skill of making something mundane into the biggest deal ever. but it was entertaining so the three of you let them have at it.

plus you felt comfortable and good, your body warmed up by the bottles of soju decorating the table.

“y/n, tell him! milk before cereal is just simply unethical.” sohee pressed you, suddenly making you a part of this whole debacle. “i don’t think discussing milk and cereal can be that much of an ethical question.” you stated plainly, leaving sohee staring at you expressionlessly. “good point, babe.” shotaro said before kissing your temple.

“i think this whole debate is more of an opinion based quest-“ you stopped dead in your sentence as the restaurant bell dinged and you recognized the same black hoodie from that fateful morning. “no fucking way.” you gasped before getting up.

maybe the fifth shot of soju was too much because the next thing you know you were making your way over to the man.

“YOU!” you yelled and tugged the sleeve of his hoodie, forcing him to turn around. his eyes were big and he was clearly shocked. “you owe me.” you demanded, and kept your grip on his hoodie. “i can explain-“ he started but you were faster.

“explain what exactly? how you attacked me with a door and broke my phone and gave me a fake name and-“ you fired at him before you felt a hand on your lower back. “what’s going on?” you felt shotaro’s calm voice ask behind you.

“this bitch broke my phone and never paid me back.” you said, eyes still glued to eunseok’s. “i can seriously explain.” he swore and you finally let go of his hoodie, opting to grab shotaro’s hand that snaked around your waist.

“this sounds like a lie but he can vouch for me,” eunseok said before gesturing to the guy next to him. “i kind of got robbed, like on the same day that we ran into each other and i had to get a new phone, new credit card, new id’s and a new number and everything.” he said and awkwardly ran his hand through his hair.

“i would’ve tried to find you but you never gave me your name, so..” he trailed off and looked at shotaro, like he was some sort of guardian preventing you from causing any more verbal harm to him. now, it was your time to look flustered.

“oh.” your previously strong voice faltered.

“i think we owe you guys a drink?” shotaro offered, being the angel he was. eunseok glanced at this friend who shrugged his shoulders, offering you and shotaro a shy smile. “why not?” eunseok said and looked at you hesitantly.

you just sighed and went back to the table with shotaro, eunseok and his friend trailing behind you. throughout the night you shared snide remarks at eunseok that he would receive with a small grin. you learned that his friend’s name was wonbin and they had met during summer school, the same one sungchan’s friend went to.

you also learned that eunseok was working at a club as a bartender, he had a girlfriend and he lived in the building next to you. you were starting to warm up to him, the broken phone screen slowly being more forgotten in your mind.

1 year and 2 months ago.

the smoke lingered around your face, making swirls with the snow that was lightly falling, decorating your hair. it was a saturday night, a rare one where your friends actually wanted to go out and the streets were full of chatter, full of life.

you took another drag of your cigarette and looked up to the sky. you couldn’t remember the last time you saw the stars. you had spent the past few weeks working like a slave, only seeing the inside of your office building and your bedroom ceiling before sleeping the day away after work.

you felt grateful to be here, sitting on top of an old bench outside the bar, the crisp air nipping at your nose.

“you’re here.” you heard a voice next to you.

eunseok sat next to you, close enough that you could feel the warmth radiating off of his body. you took a glance at him before dusting off your cigarette. “i didn’t see you inside.” you wondered. “i just clocked in,” he said, sounding defeated. “i have to work until 6 in the morning.” he sighed and let his head fall back on the brick wall behind you two.

you gave yourself the pleasure of taking in the man next to you. he had gotten his hair cut shorter and it suited him a little too well. his body was covered by a black tee and black jeans – the basic bartender uniform. he made it look strangely elegant like he had walked out of a vogue cover. 

“that’s the corporate life.” you stated. he opened his eyes and glanced at you, suddenly staring you down. you turned to him with a questioning look, noticing him eyeing your cigarette. “no.” you declined his silent attempt. he kept his big dark eyes glued to you.

you blinked a few times before lifting your hand. you had the cigarette between your fingers and put it up to his lips. he accepted it, taking the cigarette into his mouth but never removing it from your hand. he took a long drag before leaning back slightly and inhaling the smoke.

it felt weirdly sensual and you hated how something so simple, something you did casually with your friends felt so different with him. he exhaled and you could feel his breath fan your hair to your face. “thank you, y/n.” he said and you felt your skin tingle hearing your name on his lips.

you dropped your cigarette to the ground and stomped on it with your boot. “i'll see you inside, make me something good?” you requested sweetly. “sure, sure, just let me suffer for a moment.” he groaned and leaned his head on his hands.

1 year and 2 months ago, 7 hours later.

the piercing ringing awoke you from your now short slumber. you were sure it was sohee calling to inform you that anton threw up on his carpet or something usual to them. you were dumbfounded when eunseok’s name lit up your phone. 6:37 the time read. “eunseok?” you answered groggily. 

“let me in.”

you were so out of it that you were sure you misheard something or that you were still asleep.

“huh?”

“i’m outside your building. can you let me in?”

“uh, yeah, let me- give me a minute.”

you clambered up from your sheets, turned on your nightlight and made your way to the hallway, pressing the button to unlock the main door to the building. you stood there for a minute before deciding to pace nervously around your living room. why was eunseok here? you didn’t even have time to consider how you were dressed before the doorbell rang.

your feet shuffled over the cold floor and you unlocked the door to reveal eunseok. dressed in a black puffer jacket, nose and cheeks red from the freezing air outside. you stepped away from the door to let him in, the dim lighting of your home somehow making him look even more unreal.

he took off his jacket and set it down on the chair next to your shoe rack before removing his shoes. “house tour?” he asked like this was the most casual thing ever. you closed your eyes for a second and let yourself take a deep breath in.

“why are you here?” you questioned in a more serious tone. he let his eyes wander around your apartment before they landed on you, immediately making you come to the realization that you were only wearing a pair of panties and a flimsy oversized t-shirt.

“show me your bedroom.” he suggested and the tone of his voice made you feel weak in the knees. all the sleep had left your body at that point, moving carefully through your dark living room and leading eunseok to your bedroom.

the small space was warmly lit, the sheets scattered all over your bed and you were feeling embarrassed by the pile of clothes on your floor, the ones you had taken off after arriving home.

eunseok carefully took in the sight and made his way to the edge of your bed. you knew how awkward you looked, you could feel it in the way your feet were glued to one spot on the middle of your bedroom floor. you were so confused, silently pleading this was just an incredibly realistic dream.

“come here.” eunseok said before patting the space next to him on your bed. somehow this felt like one of those moments you could never go back from. you could snap out of it and tell eunseok to leave but that’s not what you wanted.

your instincts were stronger than you and the sight of eunseok’s frame in your bed awoke a primal urge deep within you. so you obeyed, silently walking over to your bed and settling down on the space next to him.

the air in the room felt thick and almost suffocating, making your hands more sweaty than they already were. eunseok turned his gaze to you and his eyes were dark with something you couldn’t yet name.

in the short less than a two months you had gotten to know eunseok, you had your fair share of flirty looks and touches here and there, especially after his breakup and usually induced by whatever you were drinking.

but this was entirely new and an untouched area for you two. eunseok lifted his hand to smooth out your messy hair, brushing strands of it out of your face.

“can i kiss you?” he asked finally, voice barely above a whisper.

your mouth went dry and you could feel your heart skip a beat or two. you licked your lips unconsciously, making him move his eyes down and up again. slowly, you nodded and he closed the gap between you two.

it was eunseok, you should’ve known that kissing him would feel like this. still, nothing could have prepared you for the fire that moved under your skin when his lips danced with yours, his strong hands moving to your back, pulling your body flush to his.

you gasped and grabbed onto the collar of his shirt. the kiss deepened and you made your way onto his lap. he gripped your hips, making you grind down on the bulge in his pants. you whimpered, riling him up even more.

in one swift motion, you were under him and under his control. you kissed each other hungrily, hands exploring each other’s bodies with no ounce of restraint left in either of you.

eunseok pulled away to take off his shirt, eyes filled with desire taking in your body. he slowly closed the gap between you, hands snaking upwards slowly.

“can i?” he murmured sweetly. you nodded, heat rising to your cheeks. “use your words.” he demanded, dark eyes studying your face. “yes, you can.” you confirmed, voice shaking with nervousness.

a smile made it’s way onto eunseok’s face before he got to work, fingers grabbing the oversized shirt covering your body before sliding it off. he licked his lips before diving in, kissing your lips before making his way down, biting and sucking the bare skin of your neck and breasts. he lifted his head and focused his attention back to your lips.

your hands pulled lightly at his hair, earning a low groan from him. he caressed your body sweetly before you felt him grab the skin of your inner thighs. you felt lightheaded, core aching, needing his touch. eunseok moved carefully, slowly touching you through your panties.

“holy fuck, you’re already so wet.” he sighed before leaning his forehead on yours.

his eyes were focused on your body as he finally pushed his hand inside of your underwear. you couldn’t control the semi-pathetic whine that left your lips the moment you felt his fingers run through your folds.

“e-eunseok,” you whimpered as his fingers started circling your clit. “mm.. wanna make you cum on my fingers.” he purred before kissing your temple. his fingers moved skilfully, switching between fucking them into you and rubbing your clit. before you knew, you felt warmth spread through your body and body tensing up. “f-fuck, seok, i- i’m gonna-“ you moaned, unable to form words at this point.

“shh, i know baby, come for me.” eunseok said in a gentle voice, caressing your hair with his other hand. you came with a high-pitched whine, unable to control yourself as the pleasure took over your body.

eunseok helped you ride off your high, gently smoothing his hands over your pussy. you laid there, opening your eyes and staring at the ceiling. “what the fuck.” you whispered while catching your breath. “you okay?” eunseok asked while his hands rubbed circles over your outer thigh. you looked over at him.

you were so fucked, you already knew that much.

without a word, you climbed on top of him. he smirked before you captured his lips in a messy kiss, hand making it’s way into the waistband of his boxers. “take these off.” it was your turn to boss him around. he bit his lip before lifting his hips and kicking his pants and underwear off. you looked down at his now exposed body, mouth watering at the sight. your hand moved to his hard cock. he exhaled shakily as you started to slowly jerk him off.

“can i fuck you?” eunseok asked, his voice hoarse with need. “yes, please.” you answered breathlessly. without a word you lifted your hips slightly. eunseok looked at you as his eyebrows knitted together. “i’m on the pill.” you said before he could ask. he nodded before pushing your panties to the side and slowly rubbed the tip of his cock over your wet folds.

you both sighed as he inched himself in, filling you up perfectly. when he bottomed out eunseok looked at you and lifted your chin up to capture your lips in a heated kiss. you started to slowly lift yourself up and down on his cock, making you both moan into the kiss.

that was the first strike. the first mistake. the moment you would learn to regret later. if only you had pressed decline on that call and went back to sleep. if only you hadn’t let him in.

10 months ago.

you swore you hated him. somedays you wished you could forget song eunseok ever existed. you even told anton to never let you get with him again. sadly, you had to keep being in close contact due to your now mutual friend group, consisting of your friends and his friends.

so, it didn’t come as a surprise when sungchan threw his yearly huge birthday party and invited quite literally everyone, including eunseok and a bunch of his friends.

the rooftop bar sungchan had rented was bustling with people, the strong bass of the music playing making you feel even more disoriented than you already felt with the alcohol coursing through your veins.

you and eunseok had a thing going on for a while. after that night at the bar where you confronted him, you guys hit it off in all the possible ways. not only were you great friends, but you also discovered all the other ways you matched each other.

you spent your free days lazing at his house, watching whatever anime he was into at the moment or just doing your work from home in his sheets while he was playing on his computer. you spent more hours tangled in sheets with him than you spent outside with your friends. 

you were ashamed really, of how addicted you were to him and whatever you had going on. so, you had to quit it. you had enough bad habits and letting a man into the mix just sounded like a form of self harm.

you stopped texting him, with the excuse of work taking up all your time. you only started hanging out at eunseok-free zones such as anton’s place and avoided the club he worked at like it was the plague. you shouldn’t have felt surprised by the fact that he didn’t really try to get you back.

still, you felt hurt, like a fool.

you were holding the cup of alcohol like it was the only thing bringing you comfort right now. you were slowly swaying to the music, anton by your side, deep in conversation with some other bassist, theo something who knew someone from somewhere.

you kind of lost the details quickly when you saw him sporting the same kind of cap eunseok used to have hanging on the clothing rack in his bedroom. the same one you would tell him to wear backwards because it looked so good, the one he would then take from you and plant on your head, bending the cap over your face before taking it off and throwing it on the floor, capturing your lips in a sweet kiss.

you felt sick and not because of the shots.

as if right on cue, you saw something from the corner of your eye that your body felt before your mind could register it. you turned your head just enough to see eunseok walk in with wonbin, jaemin and jeno, the latter two who you’d gotten to know through eunseok.

‘out of sight, out of mind’ was your mantra for the night as you turned your attention back to the two guys next to you.

you were debating whether to escape to the bathroom just as a guy you hadn’t met before walked next to theo, putting his arm around the man. “hey! guys, this is keeho, keeho this is anton and this is y/n.” theo went through the introductions as keeho took in the two of you.

he politely dabbed up anton before offering you his hand which you accepted gratefully, thankful for something more interesting than talking about bass notes. “nice to meet you two.” keeho said politely, clearly trying to check you out discreetly.

“are you guys sungchan’s friends?” he asked, trying to make small talk. “we’re the vip’s to be fair,” you snickered. “we’ve known sungchan since middle school, his younger brother was my classmate and i tutored this one with him.” you pointed to anton. “more like i tutored you, you sucked at maths.” he poked fun at you. you feigned offense as you hit him in the side with your elbow. 

“wanna get a drink?” keeho asked, pointing to your now empty cup and you took him up for the offer. you two made your way through the bodies to the long table in the side of the room. keeho scanned the bottles of booze before grabbing one. “would this be bad?” he asked and showed you the bottle of vodka. “ehh, we need a good mixer with it.” you said and stretched your arm over the table grabbed some sprite and cranberry juice.

“want me to make you something?” a voice asked and your hand freezed in the air. you straightened up and turned around slightly to see the same black hair falling over the eyes you had spent the better half of the year staring into.

eunseok looked fine as ever, hair slicked back slightly, sporting his same old outfit of jeans and a black shirt. you hated the effect he had on you, instantly breaking your composure. 

“no, thank you,” you tried to make your voice strong but you just sounded defeated. you redirected your attention back to keeho, grabbing his cup out of his hand before setting it down on the table. “hmm, i think the ratios are off.” eunseok said as he quietly observed you pouring the liquor.

you glared at him over your shoulder and continued focusing on the drink in your hand, pouring the liquids with practiced precision.

you handed keeho back his drink, noticing him eyeing you and eunseok suspiciously. you gestured for keeho to lead the way back to anton and theo but your movements were halted by a certain someone.

“can you not?” you glowered at him before shaking his hand off of your wrist. keeho turned around with a concerned expression, eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. “is he bothering you?” he asked before stepping between you and eunseok protectively.

“sorry, who are you again?” eunseok challenged, eyes narrow with irritation. keeho scoffed before crossing his arms over his chest. “i’m keeho, and i think you should go.” he spat out. you were sort of watching from the sidelines, finding it mildly entertaining that eunseok was suddenly feeling all possessive over you.

eunseok smirked before raising his hands up in defeat. “okay, didn’t know you were y/n’s new man.” he stated in that irritating tone he always used when he tried to annoy you. you just rolled your eyes before giving keeho an apologetic look as eunseok retreated back to his group.

“i’m sorry, he’s sort of like a guy i, erm, fucked,” you explained awkwardly. “i don’t know why he acted like that, we haven’t even talked in like a month.” you continued before taking a sip of your drink, the alcohol burning your throat slightly.

“it’s cool, are you okay?” keeho reassures and the way he checked up on you made your heart flutter. “i’m fine, thank you for, you know, helping.” you said shyly, tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear. “you’re welcome,” he smiled cheekily. “wanna go dance?” he suggested and nodded his head towards the now even more full dance floor.

you agreed and suddenly you were being swept away by keeho. you two sang your heart out and danced in a group of your mutual friends as well as random people. as the night went on and the drinks flowed, you found yourself being pressed against keeho. you two had been talking all night and he seemed like such a good guy.

you weren’t mad at all about your current position, having your hands wrapped around his neck with people pushing you two even closer together. you giggled at keeho as he brushed your hair out of your face.

“you’re gorgeous, by the way.” he murmured and looked at you with hungry eyes. your breath caught in your throat as you bit back a smile. you lifted your head up to meet keeho’s eyes and he was impossibly close. it was like a magnet was pulling you towards him, your lips ghosting over each other.

and then, you were pulled away.

it happened so fast, you didn’t even register it until you were being dragged outside, wrist being held closely in the hand of the one you despised the most. your head was almost spinning because of the speed you were walking at. the door closed behind you as the cold night air hit your face and you finally came back to the present moment.

“what the fuck?” you asked, eyes wide with confusion as you looked at the man in front of you.

eunseok had his back to you now, walking over to the edge of the rooftop. you followed him reluctantly, angry at him for taking away your chance with keeho. you looked at his face, illuminated by the city lights shining on the streets below.

you exhaled in frustration before digging in your purse, hands wrapping around the pack of cigarettes. you kept looking through your belongings, mumbling to yourself. “here.” eunseok took your hand before turning it palm up and placed a lighter on it. you scoffed before snatching your hand away and lighting your cigarette.

“you’re such an asshole.” you sighed and inhaled the smoke. “takes one to know one.” he declared, turning his brown eyes to you. you two looked at each other for a while. eunseok was so frustrating, he was like a puzzle you could never solve, a complicated system with no loophole, nothing about him was easy. except maybe getting him to undress for you.

you turned your eyes to the night sky, the stars reminding you of that night in front of the club, that night you and eunseok first had sex. it felt like ages ago and your heart ached slightly. in the beginning, eunseok knew how to be kind. he pulled all the right strings to make you melt. he had a passion for figuring you out. 

you had to swallow the lump in your throat and blink a few times. you put out the cigarette and started making your way back inside, eunseok making no efforts to get you to stay. before you were at the door, you stopped.

“i guess i’ll see you around.” you offered as a last proposal, your heart still trying to grasp onto whatever pieces of him you had left. but he stayed quiet, unmoving, like he always was. you exhaled shakily before reaching your hand for the doorknob.

“y/n.” eunseok said. as you turned around, he was already making his way to you. he grabbed your head before pushing you against the door, crashing his lips into yours. you melted into the kiss, hands grabbing the collar of this shirt. his hands held your body close, the heat of his body feeling like coming home after being gone for a long time. you whimpered into the kiss and eunseok lightly pulled your hair, deepening the kiss even more.

you could feel your throat tighten up as you realized how easy you were for him. he had you at the palm of his hand, able to mold you into whatever he desired.

“i hate you.” you whispered as you pulled away slightly. eunseok moved back and took a look at your face, cradling your cheek gently, a striking juxtaposition to the way he was kissing you just seconds ago. 

“you could never hate me,” he said matter-of-factly. “you’re my girl, aren’t you?” he asked before raking his hands through your hair, resting them at the back of your head. you bit your lip and looked down at your shoes. eunseok wasn’t your first by any means. you had boyfriends before, and situationships but none of them stung your heart like him.

your moments together played in your head like flashbacks in a movie. the way he smiled at you when you opened your eyes in the morning. the way he made a fool of himself just to make you laugh. the way you two folded laundry together. the way he put his hands on your hips as you brushed your teeth at night. the way he traced the features on your face. the way he kissed the inner side of your wrist.

you grabbed his hands and held them between you two. you got up on your tippy toes before pressing a slow kiss on his lips. then you turned around, not daring to look back as you retreated back inside. he didn’t stop you, of course he didn’t. that was song eunseok, the man made of stone. an unmovable object. 

the party didn’t last long for you after that. you wished you could say you drank some water, told anton to call you an uber and went to bed early, alone in your own solitude.

but after you made it back to the party, there he was, leaning against the kitchen counter. your sweet shotaro, eyes crinkling with a wide smile when his gaze landed on you. after you and eunseok first fucked, you stopped talking to shotaro with the excuse of not being ready for anything with anyone. he was understanding, of course, saying he would be there for you when you were ready. 

that night, he was your anchor, pulling you closer and when he asked you to leave with him, you agreed without hesitation. you and shotaro spent that night making up for lost time, reconnecting with each other under the sheets until the sun started rising. you laid on his chest, his lips leaving soft kisses on your forehead as you fell asleep with the morning light shining on your face.

when shotaro dropped you home the next day, you went out of your way to unfollow and block eunseok on every social media platform.

you showered, sitting on the wet tiles as you let the water hit your back. you cried, of course, feeling pathetic and almost angry at the amount of time you spent with him. then, as you laid alone in your cold sheets, you found peace. you looked at the frame on your nightstand, the picture inside displaying you, anton, sohee and sungchan on a sunny day at the beach. 

you didn’t need eunseok to live, even if he felt like the oxygen and the blood that pumped through your heart. you would survive, you had to survive. even if it killed you to go on without his touch, his smile, his eyebrows that always knitted together in concentration and the taste of his mouth on yours.

you breathed in deep, feeling your lungs fill up, somehow you could still smell the faint scent of eunseok’s cologne floating in your bedroom. it was like he had infiltrated every aspect of your life, having his fingers in between every fold of your brain, reminders of him tainting every crevice of your home.

you exhaled, lungs and heart heavy with the weight of the impact that the loss of him had on you.

present moment.

“i’ll go hang our these in the cloak room.” shotaro offered after taking your coat off. “okay.” you smiled before fixing your hair and straightening your dress. you surveyed the sea of people in front of you, your eyes trying to get used to the dim lighting inside.

finally, your eyes fixed on the tall frame you had gotten to know so well over the years.

“baby!” you yelled as you half jogged over to the man. anton turned around and captured you in a big hug, lifting you up. “i’m so proud of you!” you exclaimed as you broke away from the hug. anton had been accepted into a university and offered a swimming scholarship. his parents went all out, renting a big party hall in a fancy hotel to celebrate their son’s incredible success.

anton was glowing, his smile reaching his eyes as he looked dashing as ever in a black suit. “i still can’t believe this is real.” he said in a small voice, exhaling in awe.

you grinned at him like a proud sister before handing him a gift back. “a little something from me and shotaro.” you explained as he squinted his eyes suspiciously at you. “buying gifts together now?” he questioned, making you hit his bicep playfully. “we’re friends! and we thought we would save money.” you explained and it was his turn to roll his eyes at you.

it was the truth though. you and shotaro did continue dating for a while but it just didn’t work out, on your end at least. you were ashamed to say you were still hung up on eunseok and shotaro could sense it. you two ended up talking and you confessed to him, ending up crying on his shoulder about how stupid you felt. you were grateful shotaro took it like a champ, you two just deciding to stay friends, enjoying each other’s company way too much to just stop hanging out.

speaking of the devil, shotaro finally made his way to you two, silently handing you a drink before giving anton a sidehug. “i feel so posh.” you exclaimed, eyes taking in the clearly expensive interior. anton scratched the back his neck awkwardly. “it’s a bit extra.” he admitted. “getting a hotel staycation because of anton wasn’t on my bingo list.” shotaro grinned and took a sip of his drink.

you three giggled within yourself, feeling slightly sentimental about how much you’ve grown already. there was no trace of the young anton who was too scared to order a drink for himself, the one who told you to call his landlord for him when his drain was clogged for a month straight.

“the guys are over at the table next to the fountain.” anton informed you as more guests started rolling in. “the fountain?” you asked, trying to stiffle your laughter. “stop it. i’ll see you guys later, okay?” anton smiled before greeting the people coming over to congratulate him.

you and shotaro started walking towards the direction anton steered you to, joking amongst yourselves about the fountain.

after the last night you saw eunseok, you had turned into a zombie for a solid three months. going to bed at 3 am, waking up at 5 am, going to work for 8 hours, coming home and scrolling tiktoks before falling asleep.

the same routine repeating daily until anton and sohee had an intervention with you, forcing you to come out of your house and back out into the world. at first you were tired of their antics but without them you would’ve been trapped to your bed for the rest of your life. who knew a situationship could wreck you so bad?

but you were better now, trying your best to have a good time, most of the time.

it had been 6 months now, half of them you spent feeling miserable and the other half building yourself back up. you had been incredibly careful as to not break the progress you had made. you hadn’t had a drink in two months, only frequenting work, only agreeing to hangouts in safe spots like your own apartment.

sohee called you paranoid but you needed to protect yourself fiercely. you would never let eunseok too close to you, too scared for how you would react, too unsure if you’d be able to control yourself in the presence of him.

tonight, you decided to just have fun and let loose after a long time. you were in a safe environment, surrounded by your friends.

“y/n! shotaro!” sohee straight up hollered and jumped up to hug you both, clearly hyped up on more than his best friend’s academic success. there were already two empty champagne bottles on the table. “good party?” you asked before sitting down next to sungchan. “of course, kind of insane setting though.” sungchan exclaimed, gesturing to the gold accents decorating the walls and chandeliers hanging from the high ceiling.

the table you sat at was pretty big, filled with familiar and unfamiliar faces. you recognized a few people, like mark who made music with anton as a hobby, haechan who once saved anton on a night out when he was way too wasted and sion who you had met at one of anton’s swim meets.

“guys, how many times have you had the chance to get drunk at your friend’s rich parents’ party, drinking their rich people drinks?” sohee questioned before popping open a new bottle. the table broke out in laughter and people passed around the bottle, sharing the sparkling liquid with each other.

“you want some?” shotaro asked from next to you, holding the bottle expectantly. “yeah, i’ll take it easy.” you smiled, grateful for his attentiveness. he poured some into an empty glass in front of you before handing the bottle back to sohee.

the drinks flowed and somehow the pace of the party was perfect. the table of anton’s friends where you sat goofed around until anton and his parents made their way onto the small podium. everyone got silent at the request for attention, mark having to elbow sohee in the ribs to shut him up.

you turned around, silently smiling to yourself about how pink anton’s cheeks were, a hint of the timid boy who still lived inside of him. his parents talked for a while, telling stories of anton’s childhood and his passion for swimming. the sincerity of their words made you emotional, having to wipe a tear from your eye which made sungchan snicker next to you.

then anton got the turn to speak, meekly positioning the mic to his level.

“um, hello. first of all, i’d like to thank all of you for making the time to come celebrate with us. as you probably heard from what my parents said, swimming has always been important to me and being able to continue my passion is something i am very grateful for,” anton spoke softly.

“i would also like to thank my friends, thank you for always supporting me and having my back. i would not be who i am today without you,” he continued and looked at you meaningfully. tears sprung to your eyes again, heart moved by your dearest best friend. you felt shotaro pulling you to his side, resting his arm on your shoulders.

“i don’t want to keep you too long so without further ado, i hope everyone enjoys tonight! thank you once again, from the bottom of my heart.” anton ended his speech, people springing up from their seats to clap. 

as the noise quieted down, you turned to shotaro. “i need to get some fresh air.” you informed him. “okay! i’ll come with you but i’ll go to the restroom first.” he said before making his way into the crowd. you also started your journey to find the exit, greeting some of anton’s relatives on the way. you finally saw the sign pointing to a door. ‘veranda’, it said in cursive writing.

you may have bettered yourself and the way you lived but you had to have at least one thing to cling to. one bad habit, the familiar carton pack you reached for now as you made your way outside. you opened the door, a beautiful sunset greeting you. your lips curled into a small smile, something so simple making you happy. you turned to close the door, absentmindedly turning your head to the side.

your heart dropped to your ass.

there he was, glass in hand, shaking his head slightly laughing at something jeno said. you and jeno locked eyes first, his eyes widening before giving the man next to him a panicked look. eunseok’s brows furrowed in confusion before he turned his head and turned his attention to your now wavering form. 

his mouth was slightly open in surprise. jeno nodded his head to you before making his way inside from the door you were still holding open. the door closed with a quiet ‘thud’ as you turned your back to eunseok. you could not face him, you had been so good, so good at not caving in. so, you made your way to the other side of the veranda, walking as far away as you could from that wretched man.

your hands shook as you opened the pack, slipping the cigarette between your lips before tucking the pack back into your purse. the clink of the lighter brought you back to earth a little bit, grateful to focus on something even if it was just lighting a cigarette.

you inhaled in the way you had done a million times, closing your eyes to calm down your nerves. your head already hurt from the amount of thoughts racing through it.

you knew eunseok was watching you. you could feel his eyes on you. then he moved. you heard slow, soft footsteps getting closer and closer until they stopped next to you. 

“you’re here.” he stated, voice calm as ever. you fought the urge to roll your eyes, the urge to punch him in the face, the urge to kick him in the balls. you opened your eyes and took in the pink and purple hues of the sky. “of course i am.” you said flatly, refusing to look at his direction. out of sight, out of mind. he was just a stranger now, someone you once knew. 

he opened his mouth to say something but you were miraculously saved. “y/n,” shotaro’s voice said as the door closed behind him. “eunseok.” he addressed the man next to you. “hello.” eunseok greeted, a hint of spite in his voice. “i think you can go now.” shotaro said in a fake-friendly tone, earning a small scoff from eunseok.

he turned around and before he started retreating, he lightly grabbed your forearm. “1221.” he whispered and walked away, slamming the door behind him.

“what did he say?” shotaro asked and looked at your face, concern painted over his features. “he just told me to have a nice time.” you lied with ease. shotaro hummed at your answer before taking the half-smoked cigarette from your hand. he handed you a drink in exchange, clearly seeing you needed to have a sip or two.

you let the taste of alcohol smooth out your distressed feelings.

the party went on without too much hassle, somehow you managed to go the rest of the night without seeing eunseok once. you stayed glued to shotaro’s side, sitting at the table to avoid any unwanted run-ins. you and shotaro were currently piling up empty bottle corks, trying to see who could make the tallest tower without it falling over.

you were trying to balance a metal cork on top of 6 others when anton sat down next to you. “oh my god i felt like i was never getting away from relatives.” he said in defeat before resting his forehead on the table.

“i didn’t know eunseok was invited.” you stated, attention still directed to you and shotaro’s game. anton lifted his head up. “y/n, i’m sorry,” his voice was dripping with guilt. “you know wonbin is going to the same university, so i wanted to invite him and he wanted eunseok as his plus one.” he explained. “i didn’t want to lie to you but i didn’t know how to tell you.” he said apologetically. 

your tower fell over and you turned your attention to the lost puppy next to you. “it’s fine toni, i’m fine.” you forced a reassuring smile on your face. “just tell me next time, okay?” you requested before wrapping your arm around his neck. “yes! i will, i promise.” he said like he was held at gunpoint. you took the opportunity to mess up his hair.

“aww, you two,” shotaro cooed before fishing his phone out of the pocket of his suit. “picture time!” he cheered before tilting his phone horizontally. you pulled anton closer, your cheeks touching as you two beamed at the camera with childish grins. the flash went off as shotaro took photos, you and anton changing up your poses and making dumb faces at the camera.

“picture time!” you heard from behind you, as sohee staggered over. he put his hand around you and anton, immediately flashing a million dollar smile at the camera. you and anton burst out laughing at his drunken state.

“you guys will be my best friends forever.” sohee claimed. you and anton shared a look before the last pose, you and anton kissing both of sohee’s cheeks. the camera flashed and you felt genuinely happy. it had been a long journey, but you finally felt like you were coming out of the other side.

the party ended shortly after, anton and his family waving off the guests by the door. you gave anton a tight hug before saying your goodbyes to everyone. you and shotaro got a hotel room together, platonically, of course.

the time was 1 am by the time you two had dragged your feet to the door. without a word needed, you two took turns showering and getting ready for bed as one of your many playlists played on the background.

you were laying next to each other on the separate single beds. “today was so fun.” shotaro sighed, tiredness evident in his voice. “yeah, i know,” you agreed. “i’m so happy to have you guys as friends.” you confessed and looked up from your phone. shotaro smiled at you.

“i think we work great as friends.” he said genuinely. you let out a laugh, happy that shotaro was on the same page with you about things.

“goodnight, y/n.” he said as he turned off the lights.

“goodnight, taro.” you said and locked your phone.

you closed your eyes. you rolled over. you rolled over again. you sat up and had a sip of water. you looked over at shotaro’s snoring frame. you laid down. the numbers echoed in your head. ‘1221’. you sat up again, grabbing your phone to look at the time. 2 am.

you sighed and got up. you were just going to use the bathroom. you closed the bathroom door and locked it. you brushed your hair. you looked at your phone. you peed. you washed your hands. you washed your teeth.

you got out of the bathroom, the moonlight dimly illuminating the room. you blinked a few times, shotaro still fast asleep on his bed. you shouldn’t. you bit the cuticle of your thumb. you went back into the bathroom. you looked at shotaro’s hoodie hanging on the hanger. long enough to bring you some cover, your short pyjama shorts leaving little to the imagination.

your body moved out of instinct, pulling the hoodie over your head, grabbing your phone and hotel key before slipping your shoes on.

you glanced at shotaro one last time. then you unlocked the door as quietly as you could and closed it behind you with the same amount of concentration. you looked left and right at the long hallways. you slowly made your way over to the elevator, pressing the button with trembling hands.

you could still turn around, climb back into bed and go to sleep. but that wasn’t how things worked when song eunseok was involved. it was like he made you want to inflict pain on yourself.

you almost jumped when the elevator dinged, the door opening in front of you. 

“one last time.” you whispered to yourself, entering the elevator. you studied the hotel floor guide before pressing the number 11. the door closed in front of you and it almost felt like you were trapped. time seemed to slow down as you played with the sleeves of the hoodie.

the elevator dinged again, signaling your arrival to your destination. or your doom.

you stepped out, aware of how you could still go back but your body moved on its own accord, only having to take a few steps before being in front of the door that said ‘1221’. you stared at the golden letters for a while, then looked to your right and left.

you tried to rationalize this choice to yourself. you would just do this one last time. you would feel too embarrassed about lying to your friends so you could never do it again. you just needed to have one last goodbye, one last kiss, one last touch, one last bit of song eunseok you could get.

maybe there was a sliver of hope still living deep within you, a hope for something to change.

you exhaled and lifted your fist, knocking on the door three times.

after a while, you thought that maybe you didn’t knock hard enough. maybe it wasn’t actually his room. maybe he wasn’t even inside. you were just about to turn and retreat in shame as you heard the lock click. the door opened, revealing eunseok’s tall frame. “hey.” he said as if this was the most casual and normal thing ever. well, maybe for him it was. “hi.” you said quietly before following him inside.

you took off your shoes and lifted your head up to see that eunseok was nowhere to be seen. “eunseok?” you questioned before making your way into the bedroom of his extravagantly big hotel room.

you found him sitting in a chair that was positioned to face the queen-sized bed. his legs were spread wide and he looked at you with dark eyes as he took a sip of his drink. he set his glass down before leaning back in the chair.

“take your clothes off.” he ordered coolly. you scoffed at his attitude, taking slight offense in the way he thought you would be pliant to him after how he’s acted. his eyes studied your body before they fixed on yours again. “i said, take your clothes off.” he repeated. you hated what just hearing his voice did to you. you must’ve conditioned yourself to him like you were one of pavlov’s dogs.

you bit your lip silently before you moved. you took off the hoodie, careful to fold it nicely instead of just throwing it on the floor. “your boyfriend’s?” eunseok questioned. “like you care,” you bit back. “shotaro is not my boyfriend.” you continued, your nonchalant demeanor breaking immediately. eunseok just looked down and smirked to himself, like he had won. you swallowed hard.

“what’s wrong?” eunseok asked as you stood there, unmoving. “i have nothing on, like under this.” your voice faltered. “so?” he asked and licked his lips. “show me, baby.” he said, voice sweet like honey. your breath hitched at his words. you hated how special you felt, how good it felt to have his undivided attention on you. ‘one last time’ you thought as you slowly slid off your pyjama shorts before lifting your shirt over your head. eunseok looked pleased, his hand going down to grab his obvious boner.

“get on the bed.” he continued his act. you obeyed, wanting to please him for the last time, desperate to feel him for the last time. you laid in the crisp white sheets, your back against the soft bedframe. eunseok leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees.

“touch yourself.”

his words set fire to your body, your heart hammering in your chest. “what?” you asked in slight disbelief. “touch yourself.” he repeated patiently, eyes burning into yours. you swallowed. you looked down as you slowly started opening your legs.

“eyes on me.”

your eyes locked in on his. sure, eunseok had been dominant in bed most of the time, ordering you around and making you submit to him. but this was different.

you kept your eyes on him now, the pressure of the situation making your skin burn as you spread your legs. you hesitantly moved your hand in between your legs, gently touching yourself under eunseok’s gaze.

“already so wet,” he smirked. “keep going.” he continued. you gathered the wetness, spreading it around before circling your clit with your fingers. you bit down on your lip, trying to keep your composure. “i want you to fuck yourself with your fingers.” he said, the desire evident in his voice.

you whined, pushing a finger in. the sight in front of you was good enough to make you cum. eunseok, with his dress shirt still on, tie loose around his neck and the sleeves pushed up, exposing his toned forearms. his cheeks were colored with a light shade of pink, lips wet and dark with the amount of times he bit down on the bottom one.

“not enough,” you whimpered, a light sheen of sweat building up on your skin. “i need you.” you sounded crushed, fingers still working on yourself. eunseok just smiled, leaning back and clearly enjoying the sight. “eunseok, please,” you begged. he was entertained by your act of submission, wanting to push you.

“you can do anything, eunseok, please fuck me.” you bargained, a tear falling down your cheek.

that did it for him, eunseok finally getting up and crawling towards you on the bed. “sweetie.” he said and wiped the tear from your face. he wasted no time in replacing your small fingers with his own. your back arched off the bed as you felt his fingers curl up inside of you.

you despised yourself for the way you had missed this so much, no one being able to replicate the way eunseok worked on your body like he had memorized every part of you. “such a good girl.” he mumbled as his fingers focused on your clit, threatening to tip you over the edge.

your eyes were closed as you chased your high, mouth open, whines escaping your throat. “fuck, eunseok.” you panted as you opened your eyes, the sight of him concentrating on making you cum helping you get there. your eyes blurred with tears as eunseok did what he did best, crumbling you under the weight of his touch. you came on his fingers, face buried in the crook of his neck to hide some of the noises coming out of your mouth.

you didn’t have much time to recover until eunseok got up and swiftly undressed himself, leaving only his boxers on as he got on top of you. “you said anything, right?” he asked, eyes focused on your already fucked-out face. “yes, eunseok.” you said, voice weak with the aftereffects of your orgasm.

“i’m going to fuck you, you’re going to take it like a good girl, aren’t you y/n?” he taunted, voice deep and hoarse. his words hit you right where they needed, your body already craving to feel him inside. “yes, eunseok.” you said and he tilted his head, brows furrowing together. “i’ll be a good girl.” you said, voice airy.

you didn’t exchange anymore words as he freed his dick from his underwear, rubbing the tip over your wet folds, an act that had you squirming in his touch. he pushed his length in all the way, filling you up to the brim. you let out a choked moan, feeling overstimulated with pleasure. eunseok moved fast and rough, hips snapping against yours. 

you were putty in his hands, bending to his will, letting him move you around the way he pleased. he pulled out for a second, before manhandling you to lay on your stomach, lifting your hips up. he started fucking you again, holding himself up with one arm as the other wrapped around your throat. “fuck, seok.” you moaned loudly, the new angle making you bite your lip so hard you tasted blood.

he groaned low and primal, his noises driving you close to another orgasm. his hips snapped against your ass, lewd noises filling the room. you were sure a noise complaint was already on its way to eunseok. in this moment, you only felt eunseok, he had taken over all of your senses. you were cumming again, pussy gripping eunseok’s cock as your nails scratched his arm.

his pace was getting more erratic and inconsistent which signaled to you that he was close as well. he came with a low whimper, filling you up with his cum. he pulled himself out of you before rolling over to lie on his back next to you. you slyly took a look at his face. his cheeks were red now, chest heaving up and down as he tried to catch his breath.

you slowly got up, making your way to the bathroom with weak legs. you sat on the toilet, brushing your hair with your fingers, slowly starting to make peace with your sins. after you got cleaned up and washed your hands, you walked back to the bed. eunseok was laying there, phone in hand now. you sat on the edge of the bed, taking your shirt from the floor and putting it on for some cover.

“i have to leave early tomorrow.” eunseok said plainly, eyes never leaving his screen. you blinked a few times, his statement making your heart ache. what were you expecting, really? “yeah, me too.” you answered and grabbed your shorts, getting up from the bed to put them on.

your eyes made their way to eunseok, who still laid there looking unbothered as ever. you took shotaro’s hoodie from the chair you laid it on and pulled it over your head, the faint familiar scent of it comforting you.

eunseok lifted his gaze now, taking in your dressed form. you two looked at each other wordlessly, somehow exchanging a thousand feelings just with a look. “goodnight y/n.” he said, lips lifting into a polite smile. “goodnight, eunseok.” you replied, giving him a tight-lipped smile.

you walked softly to the door, heart breaking more with each step you took further away from eunseok. you put on your shoes, taking a second to look at the direction of the room in which the man you had destroyed yourself over laid, blissfully unaware of the emotional turmoil raging inside of you.

a part of you thought of all the times you saw an angel number, the birthday candles you blew out last year, the four-leaf clover you found two months ago and the shooting star you saw on christmas day. 

luck is not a real thing and neither is hope. hope is a scam made up by people who deluded themselves into thinking that things will change for the better. you turned the doorknob and opened the door, stopping again. ‘do something’ you yelled to him in your head.

silence.

nothing moved.

so you moved, and closed the door behind you. you walked to the elevator in a daze, it still being stuck on the floor you were in. the doors opened and you got on. the doors closed and you took you phone out of the hoodie’s front pocket.

you scrolled through your messages app, finger stopping at ‘song eunseok’. your finger hovered over your keyboard.

’was nice seeing you’ delete.

’we should do this again’ delete.

‘we didn’t even kiss’

delete.

guess you’ll waste another year wondering if that was casual or not.

HELLO! finally finished this one, my baby if i say so myself. this was initially inspired by the scene in heated rivalry where shane is writing a text in the elevator, but then i just ran with it. so many scenes are just heated rivalry inspired bc they really knew what they were doing with the situationship stuff. making this lowkey made me suffer. ENJOYYYY MWAH!!!! suffer with me <3 feel free to comment & request as always <𝟑 .ᐟ - kisu

(the grammar might be confusing at times but it’s lowkey intentional as i feel like it adds to the essence of a situationship LOL)

predicament: an unpleasant situation that is difficult to get out of

idol!nicholas x nonidol!reader / smut / angst & fluff / hurt to comfort / fwb situationship / lowk dark humor / cursing / mentions of having anxiety during sex / minors dni.

inspired by the ”i never wanted to be your weekend lover” trend on tiktok lol. enjoy!!

₊˚⊹ ᰔ

what you and nicholas had was simple, really. he would come over after practice to let off steam, as in fuck you senseless. you’d come over after going to the club and spend hours switching positions for him. that was the agreement you made after the first time you crossed the line from friends to something more – but somehow never enough.

you thought it was working, you bragged to your friends about how convenient having a friend you could fuck was, and how you and nicholas never had problems with it. enjoying the sneaking around, feeling like a teenager again with the excitement of having a secret to hide. it was fun, it was new, it was an easy situation to handle. until now.

you knew nicholas had a bad day. he sent you messages throughout, complaining about messing up the choreo for their new song and his voice cracking during every high note. so, it didn't come as a surprise when he asked you to come over.

you quickly did your pre-fuck ritual as you liked to call it. you washed your hair, scrubbed your skin clean and smelling delectable, using the shower gel nicholas always complimented when he washed up at your place. after the shower you decided to put on a little makeup, just some blush and lipgloss to look a bit prettier for him.

you knew that's when the issues started. when instead of dirty leggings, old hoodies and pimple patches on you began to show up to his dorm in cute clothes with some form of lingerie underneath. when you started wearing the perfumes nicholas liked, styling your hair the way nicholas liked and even chewing the gum nicholas liked before you kissed him.

now, standing in front of his dorm door your heart was failing you, hammering in your chest like it was trying to find the correct rhythm to make nicholas fall for you. your hands were sweaty and clampy, clutching the strap of your bag. you were sure this was beginning to be a mistake. you were starting to fall for him, way too hard and way too fast and way too much.

still, you lifted your hand to press the doorbell.

you heard shuffling inside and the door opened, revealing nicholas’ tall frame. he looked gorgeous as always, his hair was slightly damp, clearly fresh out of the shower. his gray sweatpants hung loose on his hips and the white tank top he had on hugged his figure perfectly.

once again, you were ruined.

”hey, come in”, he smiled as he held the door open for you, putting his hand on your lower back slightly as you crossed the threshold to the dorm. ”the members are still practicing, they shouldn't be here for another few hours.” he said and walked to the kitchen. you followed suit after taking off your shoes and jacket, leaning on the door frame.

”what did you do to escape the practice? that sounds impossible,” you laughed and let your eyes wander over his back muscles that flexed as he poured himself a glass of water. 

”headache. a really bad one, might have to stay in bed for hours tonight,” he said in a joking tone, turning to you with a teasing look in his eye. he let his gaze explore your body, the loose t-shirt on your body revealing the baby pink bra strap on your shoulder. he sauntered over to you, setting his cup on the table and gently taking a hold of your waist.

your breath stuttered immediately, his touch igniting a current of electricity under your skin. sometimes you could swear you’d let him do anything, anything. he could take the earth from underneath your feet and you’d thank him for giving you a new perspective on life.

”i missed you, my pretty girl,” he purred and used his other hand to cup your cheek, running his thumb over your bottom lip. you looked up into his brown eyes that were locked to yours, filled with the kind of aura only he could posses. he licked his lips – a habit of his you’d grown to love, and asked:

”do you want to fuck me?”

you gulped and slightly rolled your eyes at his antics. nicholas got off on this sort of power dynamic of everyone wanting him. in bed he lived off of you telling him how good he’s doing, how big he is, how deep he was, how no one was ever going to fuck you like he does. the worst part was that he was right.

it would take you a whole lifetime and some more to get over him.

”sure.” you snickered, slightly challenging him. his mouth spread into a wide grin before he moved his hand to the back of your head to crash his lips onto yours. it was like every kiss with nicholas was. all want, nicholas kissed you like a man dying of hunger, biting your lips and groaning low under his breath. you could die like that, with his hot body pressed against yours and it would be a perfect way to go.

he wrapped his arms around your body and picked you up so you could lock your legs around his waist. you crashed onto walls on your way to his bedroom but finally landed safely onto his bed.

when nicholas was stressed or mad, he didn’t wait. usually he was a big tease but some nights, like tonight, he didn’t play games with you. he quickly got rid of his shirt, revealing his smooth, toned skin to you. you didn’t waste any time before exploring the way his muscles tensed against your touch, your nails digging into his biceps while he continued attacking your neck with bites and kisses. ”take this off.” he commanded and tugged the bottom of your shirt. you obeyed and threw it over your head onto his floor. 

nicholas stopped for a second, pulling away and taking in the sight in front of him. you, with your hair a mess, lips plump and your perfect breasts being hugged by the lacy set you chose to wear. nicholas noticed everything, he noticed when you started showing up more put together, with your hair tied in silky bows and lips shiny with a new lipgloss. he noticed how soft your skin felt, how the scent of it drew him in even more and made his mouth water to get a taste of you. 

”so pretty, so perfect, all for me, mmhm?” he whispered before kissing the newly exposed skin. your cheeks blushed and you were thankful that his bedroom was dark enough to hide how fast your composure came apart under his gaze. nicholas slowly made his way downward, hooking his fingers under the waistband of your pants. he looked up at you and you smiled shyly, giving the silent confirmation he always made sure to check beforehand.

and just like that, he started to undress the rest of your body like he’d done a hundred times by now. he had memorized every curve and crevice of your body but he still savored every touch he could get. once you were left in your bra and panties, he got to work, his hands never leaving your body. his lips were glued to yours, your hands pulling on his long blonde strands, desperately grinding your clothed cunt against his thigh, trying to relieve the pressure between your legs.

he chuckled before breaking apart from the kiss. ”so needy..” he panted before propping himself up on his elbow, other hand making its way down. you felt his hands toying with the fabric of your panties. you let out a whimper, closing your eyes and praying to god he would touch you already. luckily for you, he did, his long fingers making their way to your already drenched pussy. he played with your clit for a few seconds before continuing his way downward. you bit your lips and you felt his fingers ghosting over your entrance.

”say pleeease,” nicholas smirked and you gave him an annoyed look. you stared him down before sighing. ”please, nico,” you stated flatly but nicholas could hear the desperation in the way your voice slightly cracked while saying his name. he smiled before his fingers started moving and you threw your head back once his long fingers were inside of you. nicholas pushed his fingers in and out of you in an excruciatingly sweet pace, perfect like everytime with him. 

not too long after, your whimpers filled his bedroom as he moaned next to your ear, switching between biting your neck and placing sweet kisses all over your cheeks and lips. he kept working on your body with ease, switching between rubbing your clit and fucking his fingers into you.

”ahhh, wait, i’m close..” you managed to struggle out. ”can i fuck you?” he asked, slightly halting his pace. you nodded eagerly, wanting to feel him inside of you. he removed his fingers and put them up to your lips. you licked them clean before gently biting his index finger, earning a grin from him. sex with nicholas was always like this, it was like a choreography he’d designed just for you, filled with moments of pure lust, innocent giggles of excitement and simply making love with someone he cherished.

nicholas removed his sweatpants and boxers in one swift motion before getting on top of you. he was already hard, aching for a release, his tip slick with precum. ”like what you see?” he asked as your eyes explored his skin.

”stop being so cocky and fuck me already?” you asked, running out of patience.

he wasted no time pulling your panties to the side, pumping his cock a few times before lining it up with your entrance. he moved slowly, inching his cock inside of you with practiced precision, like he knew every inch of your body like his own. you let out small pathetic noises at this point, just desperate to feel the weight of him fully on top of you, to feel every bit of him inside of you.

when he was fully inside, he locked your lips into a sweet kiss, slowly starting to fuck you into the mattress. you closed your eyes, senses already so full of him, running out of breath because of the pure pleasure he was giving you. it felt so good, kissing him felt like you were ascending into heaven, sex with him felt like something you never wanted to quit.

nicholas clearly felt the same, his teeth sinking into your bottom lip and his fingers digging into the plush flesh of your hip. you tasted the metallic flavor of blood on your tongue and felt the tears prickling at the corners of your eyes. usually sex with nicholas was so good, your cheeks were damp with tears afterwards.

this was different though, you felt it immediately. you were hyperaware of your body, of the current situation, of all and every emotion you had ever felt towards nicholas. it all hit you like a freight train, like you had been slapped.

you broke free from the kiss, desperate for air. nicholas looked at you, immediately checking in. ”keep going,” you whispered whether it was out of instinct or out of the need of never wanting to break apart any moment with him, and he complied.

you looked to the ceiling, the pleasure making you whimper and suddenly, the tears started falling. at first, they were the ones you were used to with nicholas, full of need and desperate for a release.

but then, they turned into the kind you didn’t want to let out while having sex with maybe the hottest man you knew. you threw your hand over your mouth, desperate to keep down the sobs and just focus on holding on to whatever form of dignity you had left.

but it was no use. you let out a quiet sob and put your hands on nicholas’ chest, stopping all movement. his eyes quickly searched your face as you uttered out the words. ”stop, stop for a moment,” you fought out. nicholas pulled out and leaned back to take a look at your face.

his brown eyes were full of concern, full of care and you wanted to scream at him for looking at you like that. for looking at you like you were something more than a friend he fucked. you were quick in your movements, turning to grab your shirt and uttering out a small ’i’m sorry’ before making your way to the bathroom.

once inside, you locked the door and put on your shirt before sliding against the door, your ass hitting the cold tiles. your body was shaking and your breath was shallow like all of the oxygen in the world was gone. you cried quietly. you cried out of frustration, you cried out of sadness, you cried out of anger that you let it go too far. and then, a silent knock echoed on the door.

”did i do something wrong?”

”y/n?”

”please, talk to me.”

nicholas pleaded, his head hanging low against the other side of the bathroom door. you realized how bad it must’ve seemed, you running off in the middle of sex to go cry in the bathroom. you wanted to drown in his bathtub out of embarrassment but you were his friend before you were his fuckbuddy. so, reluctantly you unlocked the door before making your way to the edge of said tub. you sat down and kept your head low as you heard the door open.

nicholas made his way to you, sitting on the closed lid of the toilet next to you. ”you didn’t do anything wrong”, you said before he could continue his interrogation. ”promise?” he asked, his voice soft. ”promise.” you affirmed.

you played with the hem of your shirt, hands still shaky and you let out an equally shaky breath. ”i- i can’t do this anymore”, you exhaled after a minute. ”it’s too much and too little.. i thought i could do this, i really did.” you laughed hopelessly. ”but it just feels like shit. to do everything we do, to have my things among your things just to collect them like i came here to do my job and then clock out.”

you finally dared to look up, just to be met with nicholas’ eyes, unable to read his thoughts. ”do you know how bad i feel everytime you leave your annoying necklaces at my place and i have to lie to maki, lie to my best friend like every week.” you continued on, voice weak and tears threatening to fall again.

”and suddenly he thinks i have enough money to buy chrome hearts and buy him lunch and dinner and, and-” you rambled on senselessly before nicholas kneeled in front of you, taking your hands in his. your tears were hot on your cheeks again, falling on top of his golden skin.

”y/n, look at me,” he pleaded and reluctantly you did.

”i’m in love with you.” he said like it was the easiest thing ever. ”i’m sorry i didn’t say anything, but i just- i was stupid. i thought this would be easier because it worked but it wasn’t. it’s not easy.” nicholas’ always strong voice faltered. ”i don’t want to just have you when we’re all alone. i want you all to myself, all of the time.” he confessed, looking deep into your eyes, leaving no space for you to question the truthfulness of his words.

you swallowed, your throat dry with the impact of his words and you didn’t say anything, you didn’t need to. nicholas cradled your face in his hands and pressed his forehead against yours, his breath fanning against your lips before capturing you in a kiss. a kiss like no other kiss before. this one was certain, stable, deep and trusting. it felt like the beginning, a yes instead of a maybe, an answer you had been looking for an eternity.

”nicholas?”

”yes.”

”can we always be this close?”

”forever.”

my name is kisu and this is my blog for fanfics! what else can i saaay..

i’m 23, a student and my favorite groups include riize, nct, zerobaseone, enhypen, &team, cortis, boynextdoor, lngshot, illit, aespa and the list goes on,, i’ve been a kpop stan for ehh like 12 or 13 years now.

i hope you enjoy my posts and i can’t wait to get to know you, i'll post my first fanfic tomorrow lol <3 always feel free to dm, comment, request posts and whatnot, let's be friendsss