She's Super Mean

[text] I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

[text] on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

[text] just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

[text] I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

[text] This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

[text] o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

[text] Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

[text] Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from

[text] I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

[text] He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.

[text] After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment

[text] So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

[text] Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

[text] Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

[text] You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

[text] I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?

[text] Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

[text] I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

[text] You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!

[text] This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

[text] I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.

[text] The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

[text] I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!

[text] I think i sorta joined a cult last night

[text] I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

[text] At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

[text] Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.

[text] omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

[text] Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.

[text] Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.

[text] Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.