Inferno

These past few weeks, I've been trying to heal myself. I thought, maybe, it's not about the absence of you, maybe, I was just craving attention. So, I said yes to anyone who asked me out on a date.

It was okay until the last date. This guy caught me staring for too long and took a picture of an ice skating arena, so he asked me if I wanted to go there, but I shook my head, and said, "Later.". He said, "Ok then, the next date we'll go ice skating!".

Then I realized, when I said later, I wasn't picturing myself to go ice skating with him, I was picturing you. In fact, I already opened your chatroom, about to send that arena picture to you.

Another realization came into my mind, the previous dates also were not okay. At all.

All these dates, all these attention, and all I can think about is you. This is suck.

After that, I cancelled the rest of the dates and asked my parents to go out with me instead, because I just can't stand spacing out inside my room, thinking about you.

My mom being my mom, she questioned my behavior. I told her that I just don't like to go on a date, I feel burdened, and she said that one day you'll found someone who will makes you excited to go on every single date possible with him, more than that you'll be the one who asked him out. Me being me, I just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, sure.".

Akhir-akhir ini rewel banget sama Allah, apalagi tiap selesai sholat. Tentunya masih protes masalah kamu— apa lagi yakan. Melalui sound ini, rasanya kaya diingatkan kembali, that I'm currently living a good life.

Tentunya aku masih akan terus bawel sama Allah tentang kamu heheh tapi semoga mulai kali ini tanpa marah-marah, no salty, dan dengan penuh suka cita.

Tapi rasanya masih saja menyedihkan,

tidak menerima cinta sebanyak yang kuberikan.

Jelas bukan salahmu,

Salahku.

Haloo! Maaf ya, aku lupa kalau sudah berjanji padamu. Akan merayakan setiap kali hatiku patah. Karenanya, aku dan kamu, sekarang kita lebih dekat satu langkah.

You keep the storm inside your chest

Thunder on your fingertips

Yet all he ever wanted is a peace of mind

bisa jadi rela

ketika tidak mau,

walaupun tidak rela

bisa saja mau.

lalu,

merelakanmu,

jika kumau,

apa aku mampu?

pun jika kumampu,

apa aku mau?

—

November 27th, 2020 - 11.34 PM

Stop checking up your phone.

Stop wondering.

Stop asking rhetorical questions.

I'm hurt,

not because you made mistakes,

more because while I was trying so hard to fix us,

you didn't even try to fix yourself.

I'm hurt because I feel alone while I shouldn't.

But do you know what's pathetic?

All these disappointments,

yet, I can't help but blaming myself.

I started to think that it was all my fault.

Because, maybe, if I was enough,

you wouldn't be searching for more,

you wouldn't need another.

Maybe, if I was enough,

you would stay,

you would love me the way I love you,

I always believe that the best way not to get your heart broken is to pretend not to have one.

But it is 2 AM.

And it is raining outside.

It is time when all the realizations come into our senses.

It is time for the feelings to kicking in.

It is time to let it be.

I can't help but wonder,

if I hit you by accident

sometimes you are the water,

you give me life

and drown me into the deep sea

some other times you are the fire,

you light up my life

and also turned me into the ashes

but sometimes, I'm a blue whale

brave enough to kiss the water

into the deepest sea I dive

some other times, I'm a phoenix

tough enough to embrace the fire

She is there— your old friend,

chained, both of her hands

Tho you can't kill her,

you beat her

Locked her in the coffin made of stones,

that sinking into the deep storm

You win,

you win

But she's still there,

yang penting kamu sehat,

kalau sehat, bisa cari uang banyak.

yang penting kamu sehat,

kalau sehat, bisa makan enak.

yang penting kamu sehat,

kalau sehat, bisa tidur dengan nyenyak.

yang penting kamu sehat,

Kalau kamu suka itu, aku juga suka.

Bebas.

Terserah.

Enaknya kamu aja gimana, aku ngikut.

Soalnya Ibu mau aku jadi Dokter.

Tama bilang aku cantik pakai rok.

Terlalu banyak mementingkan orang lain ketimbang diri sendiri. Terlalu sering mengalah sampai di satu titik dimana kamu tidak tahu apa yang kamu inginkan. Apa yang benar-benar kamu inginkan. Bukan karena perasaan sungkan, bukan supaya orang lain senang. Tapi semata-mata hanya karena kamu ingin.