He should feel ELATED to know that Rick wasn’t outright casting him aside, as he very well had every right to. But instead of that, and of being happy for still having SOME stake in the mans life and in his heart, it only hurt all the more. What was WRONG with Rick? To want to be around someone like him? All Ricky could think was that the man must really HATE himself too much to see how much that hatred should be directed at Ricky instead. It was hard to believe that anyone could think any other way.
He could FEEL Ricks eyes on him, like sins crawling up his back and making him itch from every crevice of his being. He wanted to RUN, but he hadn’t felt so afraid in such a long time. He felt cornered, even though there was nothing really physically keeping him there. Was this just another bad dream? His mind trying to trick him into thinking he was really here, laying in bed with his past lover? This all made such LITTLE sense, but he supposed he’d done some pretty bizarre things for the sake of his crazed love before. For Rick, particularly.
He swallowed a swelling lump in his throat, and the warm hand on his back knocked nothing short of a PAINED gasp from his lips.
“–I don’t want you to go.”
He felt thick, hot moisture run down his cheeks before he could even realize he was crying. Trembling against Ricks touch. The damn that’d been holding him together cracking all at once, and overflowing, making him finally break down as his mind caught up to everything that was happening. And it WAS happening. It was REAL, and Rick was actually here with him. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry.” He put his hands against his face, not wanting to show his pathetic SHAME. He had no right to cry, or to play victim here. He was nothing short of a monster, something that slithered its way into peoples lives just to cause them pain. It’s all he did right, it seemed. Even he grew sick of himself. He let out a FRUSTRATED sound, wiping his face furiously. “I don’t know what to DO, Rick. I don’t know how this can be alright.” He finally looks at the other man again, eyed scanning his face almost WILDLY. Looking for answers, but expecting nothing.
He reached out tentatively to touch his chest, and his face. Just wanting to know if he was really THERE or not. He sighed, still trembling. “And here I am feeling sorry for myself. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I ruined everything. How can you even look at me right now?”
Rick could feel, as David Bowie so accurately put, Ricky trembling like a little flower. The behavior wasn’t befitting of his partner. Under usual circumstances, Ricky acted as if he feared nothing. He took on the multiverse with that bitchin’ smirk on his lips. Now he was apologizing to Rick. Honestly, Rick had no idea what to do with the apology. As serious as their situation was, he’d never been a huge believer in them. So he hadn’t been expecting one from Ricky. Rick did what he could to live without any apologies, excuses, or regrets. The lifestyle granted plenty of freedom while keeping guilt to a minimum.
“You don’t want to hurt me now. You wanted to hurt me then, but all that matters is now,” Rick told Ricky, his tone calm. He stayed still, even as Ricky turned towards him and stared at him with that wild look in his eyes. Rick never possessed exceptional comforting skills, but he wanted to keep it real between them. Better than sugarcoated lies. He kept his hand on Ricky’s back, beginning to knead the tense muscles with his spindly fingers. Even without his glasses, he could tell Ricky was crying now from his shaky voice and the way he wiped at his face.
“Th-Then hang onto my arm, babydoll, and lemme handle everything.” Truth be told, Rick had no idea what to do either. His best guess was taking all of this moment by moment, but no definitive plan existed as of now. He allowed Ricky to touch his face and chest while he resumed his one-handed back massage.
Rick shrugged in the face of Ricky’s hard questions. “You’ve always been easy on the eyes because you’re so good looking,” he said, hoping the fact would make Ricky feel better. “To be fair, I haven’t really had time to sit with my feelings for years like you have. And it’s probably for the best. Christ, you’ve been beating yourself up over this, haven’t you?” He reached with his other hand, fingertips gingerly wiping at Ricky’s tears.