sedated

he  shook  his  head,  the  smile  tugging  at  the  corner  of  his  lips.  “  yeah,  yeah,  i  tried  to  find  purple  hair  dye,  but  the  girl  at  the  store  said  she  wasn’t  gonna  sell  it  to  me  and  i  should  thank  her,  cause  she  was  doing  me  a  favor.  ”  he  couldn’t  help  but  chuckle  a  little.  "  no,  i,  i  don’t  know,  your  brother  and  your  mom  said  some  stuff  to  me,  and  i’m  trying  to  change,  i  guess.  be  the  guy  i  once  was.  ”  he  waved  his  hand  vaguely  like  there  was  a  way  to  take  some  weight  away  from  his  sentence,  make  it  seem  casual  and  careless.  “  i  spent  most  of  life  clean  shaven,  you  know.  i  wasn’t  born  with  mustache.  ”

he  ran  a  hand  through  his  head,  face,  and  the  difference,  the  stark  and  all  too  impossible  to  ignore  difference  between  what  has  face  had  been  for  over  a  year  and  what  it  was  now,  got  to  him  once  again.  richard  kept  going  over  this  decisions  of  him  again  and  again,  considering  and  re-considering  what  had  led  him  to  do  this,  “  i,  no,  no,  it,  it  was  my  fault  really.  ”  he  should  have  been  looking  at  the  world  around  him  as  he  walked,  “  but  you  know  what,  i’m,  hm,  if  you’ll  drink  that  coffee  with  me,  i  think  i’m  gonna  take  you  up  on  that.  hell,  i’ll  even  pay  for  both  of  them.  ”  really  he  would  settle  for  anything  that  could  provide  him  the  certainty  that  some  things  were  still  the  same.

“  i’m  sorry,  really,  i,  i  was—  ”  he  waved  his  hand  vaguely  as  if  that  was  an  answer  in  on  itself,  shook  his  head  at  her.  richard  hated  to  admit  that  he  wasn’t  really  paying  attention,  but  that  was  the  truth,  wasn’t  it  ?  he  was  too  focused  on  his  own  facial  hair  to  realize  there  was  a  girl  in  front  of  him.  “  i’m  fine,  it’s  alright,  ”  with  a  small  laugh  he  tried,  “  i’ll  take  two  coffees  for  the  promise  of  secrecy  over  however  much  swearing  you  want  to.  ”  a  second  later,  he  waved  his  hand  again,  only  this  time  dismissively,  “  no,  i’m,  i’m  joking,  don’t  worry  about  it,  alright,  don’t  let  me  get  in  the  way  of  your  day.  ”

“  hey,  ”  his  voice  offered  a  warning,  the  sort  of  sound  that  you’d  make  to  a  petulant  child,  holding  the  threat  of  grounding  over  them.  his  small  shake  of  the  head  reminded  himself  that  horlowe  was  older  now  than  he  was  when  he  adopted  isaac.  “  don’t  swear  at  me.  i  didn’t  raise  like  that.  ”  —  a  second  later,  his  hand  moved  up,  tracing  the  ghost  of  what  had  once  been  his  bushy  mustache,  running  his  finger  over  the  rest  of  his  beard.  “  i  didn’t—  i  don’t  know,  i’m  trying  something,  is  it,  is  it  that  bad  ?  ”

He  kept  running  his  fingers  through  the  freshly  shaven  face,  again  and  again,  over  and  over.  It  was  though  he  was  half  naked,  as  though  Richard  was  walking  around  unarmed.  He’d  curated  his  perfect-looking  mustache  for  about  a  year  and  a  half,  and  now,  he  had  barely  a  beard  to  show  for  it.  It  was  a  five  o’clock  shadow,  the  ghost  of  what  his  facial  hair  had  once  been,  the  inherent  authority  of  the  mustache  exchanged  for  the  fresh  start  of  a  new  look.  —  He  was  so  caught  up  in  it,  in  fact,  that  Richard  barely  noticed  the  person  walking  up  to  him.  —  It  was  only  once  he’d  bumped  against  them,  only  once  he  dropped  his  coffee  on  the  floor  between  them  that  he  was  brought  back  into  reality.  “  Oh.  fuck.  ”  His  eyes  found  theirs.  “  I’m  so  sorry.  You  alright  ?  ”

“ Ah, humfp, I don’t know, man, all of them ? ” He half shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “ Listen, the Lawrence boys deserve the world. Both of them. I would do anything for them. Isadora is a sweetheart who deserves anything and everything too. Charlie is not really my kid in anyway, but she’s a real angel. Honestly, mostly every kid in Hillston deserves the best, regardless of either or not they have any relation to me. There are very few kids in here I wouldn’t jump in front of a bullet to protect. ”

“ I’m gonna sound like the saddest old fuck in all of Hillston, but really, I, I don’t wanna hear anything from any of them, I just… ” It’s ridiculous that he can’t get the words out, that even the simplest of feeling can’t be expressed by him. He hates the way it forms a knot around his throat, can’t stand the way it refuses to leave his lips despite his best efforts. “ Ah, fuck. ” Richard exhales sharply, running a hand through the back of his head. “ I would just want them to be in my life again, you know. I don’t know, like, a hug, or for them to sit with me for a minute or two. They don’t have to say anything, just, come back, I guess. I know the divorce is my fault, I know none of us would be in this situation if I hadn’t been such a piss poor excuse for a husband, but I just, I’d just like to know I didn’t fuck this up beyond fixing. ”

“ yes, yeah, yes, definitely. ” he stopped for a second. considered, reconsidered. “ i think it would suck. i’m pretty sure i’d doubt myself at every step of the way, but — if it’s the right thing to do then it is the right thing to do, there is no other way around it. ”

“ Nah, that, that sounds very messy and like a lot of trouble to clean up after. I’ve wanted to punch a hole through a wall. I have punched a hole through a wall. I once dropped everything off my table on the floor, not out of anger or anything, but there reason behind it is— You know, nothing you should worry about. ” 

“ I feel bad for them and the things they have to deal with. I feel, I don’t know, that I wish things were easier for all of them. I, hm, I don’t know, I don’t know what kind of answer you are looking for here. They are a really complicated family going through a lot and If there was any way I could make it so they didn’t have to suffer, I would do it in a heartbeat. ”