dime western magazine

what’s up gamers @revisionistwest and i are gonna be back at it again TUESDAY 6/16 @ 5P EASTERN streaming dead by daylight & raising money for the okra project! they’re an amazing org that directly help black trans people experiencing food insecurity.

gamers mark ur calendars - on monday (june 8th) at 8pm est, freddie and i are gonna stream on twitch to raise money & awareness for nourishnyc, a local org founded by a black woman that gets cash grants & supply kits to protestors on the ground here.

Having this conversation while laying on a creeper is fortunately hiding the quadruple-chinned look of dismayed confusion TJ is giving the sprawling gut-like underside of this pickup truck, but make no mistake, he’d be making the exact same face at Tommy if he was standing up straight. There’s a frenetic pause as TJ thumps something with his wrench because he’s seen the other guys doing that sometimes and maybe it might fix the problem, and then instantly has to launch his creeper out from under the car to avoid the flurry of loose flecks of dirt he just dislodged.

“Don’t waste the morphine.”

“How’s it feel, motherfucker? How’s it feel to be fucking dead?”

“I feel sad. I feel very alone. And also, I gotta take a shit.”

“You make a nice casualty.”

“If you keep talking to your weapon like it’s trim, everybody’s gonna know you’re a total psycho.”

“Don’t let emotions take over as you assess the situation.”

“The important thing is we’re doing our jobs by being here.”

“You know, what we need in America is a holiday where once a year the blue-collar man gets to go into the home of the white-collar man, eat his food, sleep in his bed and fuck his shit up.”

“You realise you’re a communist.”

“Don’t push our luck.”

“Peace sucks a hairy asshole. War is the motherfucking answer.”

“You have until oh-dark-hundred to unfuck yourself.”

“[Name]’s job is to be an asshole, and he excels at the position.”

“AAA batteries, dip skoal and Copenhagen, baby wipes, various flavoured Pringles in a can, and adult diapers, as requested.”

“Yeah, homes, we pimpin’.”

“This shit is on. Has to be.”

“Did you get some pizza? You can have my extra slice.”

“Can I have just one final moment enjoying the fruits of civilization?”

“Been fighting dirty my whole life.”

“What the fuck is taking so long? We’ve been sitting here for four goddamn hours.”

“We kicked the hornets’ nest. Now we better kill all the fucking hornets.”

“You are possibly the biggest fuckup I have encountered.”

“I’m going to hell out here. Back home, all I eat is sushi and vegetables. The nutrition here is garbage.”

“I wear clothes that are body-conscious.”

“I trust you to keep your personal feelings to yourself.”

“You should quote me on that.”

“I’m on it like a motherfucker.”

“Wake up. You’re missing the invasion.”

“When my band opened up for Limp Bizkit in Kansas City, we fuckin’ sucked. But then again, so did they.”

“You know what happens when you get out of the Marine Corps? You get your brains back.”

“Why the fuck are you throwing food around?”

“No, I don’t want your fucking cigarette.”

“How dare you question the strategic plan?”

“It’s like that song, “Where Stars and Stripes and Eagles Fly.” Fuck, man, eagles fly in Canada, too.”

“I should have shut up and done my time.”

“I was just elucidating on the white man’s burden.”

“I just wanted to get one last cigarette before we all died.”

“I’m on thirty hours, no sleep.”

“You should have rolled into battle with a sword. That would have fucking rocked.”

“Man, I am so high from not sleeping.”

“If you fuck us, I’ll smile killing you.”

“Don’t pet a burning dog.”

“Not to get homoerotic about this, but I could kiss you.”

“There’s a switch! For once our asses get saved by sheer incompetence.”

“And they say that I did too much acid in high school.”

“Did I tell you I’m gonna open my own gay bar when I get back home?”

“You know what? I’m gonna franchise that shit.”

“If you have to do number one, go now, because once I start the car I am not stopping.”

“Keep your head on a swivel.”

“As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, ‘If the day does not require an A.K., it is good.’”

“At least if you died the world wouldn’t have to deal with the prospect of you returning to your cretinous daughter-fucking trailer-park red-state shithole and producing mutant, Whiskey Tango, scrotum-faced, bucktoothed, zit-exploding progeny.”

“That was pretty fucking ninja.”

“I know they’re heinous. I’m living in it.”

“I think it’s time for you to shut the fuck up.”

“These mistakes are unavoidable in war.”

“We made a mistake today collectively and individually.”

“It’s all that damn gangster rap and those video games that are desensitizing today’s youth to violence.”

“I want to hear exactly what your concerns are.”

“I’m all squared away.”

“We’re all aware how much the men look up to you.”

“This is your chance to get a little something off your chest.”

“Are you asking me to speak frankly?”

“Well, it’s just that you’re incompetent.”

“Shut the fuck up and do your fucking job.”

“It’s autokinesis. You’re seeing the involuntary muscle movements of your own eyes.”

“It’s purely out of respect for him that I feel I’m going to have to forego your festive rituals.”

“Theologically speaking, the world’s been going downhill ever since man first offered entrails to the gods.”

“Have you ever analyzed a wet dream? I mean, the mind is so powerful, it can give you a dream so real that it makes your dick come.”

“I’m reminding you of who your enemy is: the enemy.”

“Observe everything. Admire nothing.”

“This would have been the perfect shitting opportunity.”

“Check this motherfucker’s crib out.”

“This may sound weird, but deep down, I kinda wanted to see what it feels like to get shot.”

“I get more nervous watching a game show at home on TV than I do here in all this, you know?”

“God damn, man, son of a bitch and fuck.”

“Word to the motherfuckin’ street, yo!”

“I was the fuckin’ victim and you know it.”

“We keep making the same fucking mistakes.”

“If my mother ever distributed my likeness without written authorization, I would disown her.”

“Technically speaking, but didn’t your biological parents disown you when they put you up for adoption?”

“Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a Whiskey Tango trailer park by a bowlegged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch the sperm of a passing truck driver.”

“At least my mom took me to Nascar!”

“You’ll be happy to know there is no plan for this.”

“Nobody fucking spoke to you.”

“I just did a really dirty thing.”

“Fifty-six minutes. I’ve been asleep for fifty-six minutes.”

“Once you fire a bullet, you can’t take it back.”

“That’s some wicked shit. Some evildoing shit, if you ask me.”

“Just leave me the fuck alone.”

“I have no recollection whatsoever of you waking me up.”

“You can fuck with me all you want but do not, I repeat, do not fuck with my men.”

“I’m putting it down. You picking it up?”

“Oh my god, he wants to be a ballerina? That’s my fuckin’ dream!”

“You fucking rock.”

“Dude, it’s not a country song, it’s a cowboy song.”

“I hate to break it to you, but there are no cowboys.”

“Looks like I was wrong about that good night’s rest.”

“I don’t miss anything from home.”

“You’re just like every other jock piece of shit in high school!”

“Who cares about winning? Let’s get drunk.”

“I need four shots of vodka and four shots of water.”

“Okay, this is getting embarrassing, so we need to focus.”

“Do not test me right now.”

“Stay outta my head.”

“Sorry, honey, I know how much that meant to you.”

“I’m not loving your semen.”

“You don’t have to write it down.”

“You did say even when you were a kid you would freak out if you lost at anything.”

“You’re not a therapist, right?”

“So what is it about your brother that makes you feel emasculated?”

“We’re right next to the room where I masturbated.”

“I don’t know if I mentioned it, but [name] and I are on a trial separation.”

“It doesn’t hurt to ask.”

“I’m just checking the mail. Some people check it earlier in the day, but there’s always a risk that the mail carrier hasn’t come yet. That spares me the chance of a futile trip to the mailbox.”

“I’ve always enjoyed the camaraderie of good friends competing in games of chance and skill.”

“Three bags of Tostitos Scoops, I notice. Three for one? How can that be profitable for Frito-Lay?”

“You two enjoy each other.”

“It’s often we don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone.”

“You don’t think we’re being dicks, do you?”

“We don’t owe him anything, right? Fuck him!”

“Why are you coming in through the window?”

“I’m not dressed for this nonsense.”

“It’s like Night of the Living Dead in here.”

“Is it on the right or the left? I don’t wanna go in the wrong room.”

“How many photos of you with the dog filter do you need?”

“‘Dennis’ isn’t a word.”

“Do you know what rich people are doing on their game nights these days? Fight clubs. I just read about them. They pay poor people to fight each other and then they bet on the winner.”

“If you can have anything you want in this world, you have to raise the stakes or life gets boring.”

“You gotta stop reading BuzzFeed every second of the damn day.”

“He was the first to invest in Panera Bread. The Fuji Apple Salad was his idea.”

“Hey, you smell good. What is that? Is that Selsun Blue? Head and Shoulders?”

“I love your house. It makes me think of simpler times.”

“There’s a whole room of people to help you out here.”

“It’s a very cool house but it’s just me there alone.”

“That little motherfucker.”

“Why are you suddenly so worked up about this?”

“I was going to invite you over for a dinner I’m hosting. I’ve purchased four lamb shanks that I’ve been simmering in a broth of red wine and rosemary.”

“I was being theatrical.”

“You’re not gonna know what’s real and what’s fake.”

“That’s a really aggressive way to carry a knife.”

“Never have I ever connected my work computer to the projector in the conference room when it was open on a WebMD page for chlamydia symptoms.”

“Just for the record, I did not have chlamydia. It was pubic dermatitis. You get it from not washing your crotch.”

“I know you’re method and all, but you can’t just come in here and break the door.”

“Make sure you get a piece of this cheese.”

“There’s something about this that just doesn’t feel right.”

“He’s a regular Daniel Day-Lewis.”

“Don’t turn this around on me. Do not do that. Don’t you Johnnie Cochran me!”

“Do you get the feeling that this is some game where somehow he’s gonna humiliate me?”

“You know, I can feel my sperm already coming back to life.”

“Hand me those matches, I’m about to burn this door down.”

“Let’s give him a test, okay? Let’s order a couple of drinks that only a real bartender would know how to make.”

“We’re never gonna be able to do stuff like this if we have kids.”

“Jesus Christ, honey, where did you get a gun?”

“Any of you fucking pricks move and I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of you!”

“Oh, you know what’s bullshit is your bald, ugly face.”

“Alright, I’m sorry I called you bald, you little bitch!”

“Let the gun do the talking.”

“This dumbass thought he can keep us locked in here. But guess what? You can’t lock us in here!”

“I’m so glad I invited you tonight. I usually bring these girls I wanna sleep with and they just suck. You’re like a breath of fresh air.”

“I usually go out with men I find interesting and non-stupid, so this is a bit new for me.”

“Whoa, are we cool? Did I say something wrong?”

“I just came from a six-hour murder mystery where I played the corpse.”

“I quit Disney Cruises for this bullshit.”

“I’m not okay! I have a throbbing headache!”

“Oh my God! I shot you!”

“I’ve lied to you and the family about what I do.”

“He’s got his fingers in all these pies. Illegal pies. You know, the kind of pies that have heroin in them, and guns, and sex slaves. You know, all that kind of stuff.”

“If you call the cops, I’ll be dead before I get to jail.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this. I’m sorry for a lot of things.”

“So we go to a mob doctor, right? What about a veterinarian that works for the mob?”

“You’re gonna have to take the bullet out.”

“You think I want you to take the bullet out? I’ve seen you try to cut a chicken.”

“I shot [name] but he’s fine.”

“I got a bunch of stuff. Pocket knife, tweezers, sewing kit, gauze. They didn’t have rubbing alcohol and they don’t sell hard liquor, so I got you this loverly Chard.”

“This is instructions on how to remove a bullet. It’s an alt-right militia website, so I’m just gonna ignore the racist stuff.”

“I can’t believe he’s been lying this whole time. He’s even cooler than I thought.”

“I will admit I have eagerly awaited a visit such as this.”

“Help yourself to popped corn with sea salt.”

“If I go home now and then I read in the newspaper tomorrow that you died I’ll feel like shit that I left, so I’m gonna stick around.”

“Rich people are fucked up.”

“It was just this crazy thing that happened and in a weird way it made me realise that the only person I ever wanna be with is you.”

“You’ve always been a better person than me.”

“I even managed to fuck that up.”

“Can’t say I care for that nomenclature.”

“One of us has to be the asshole in this transaction.”

“You don’t have to do this. I can just poop it out.”

“Hold still while I cut your stomach open.”

“You’re not Liam Neeson.”

“I can’t get the drop on anyone tonight.”

“Think about all the dum-dums that have kids, right? And think about how much better our kid is gonna be than their kids. It’s gonna beat their kids at everything.”