@#*$ ALL Y’ALL!

‘  i know it’s kinda fucked up. haven’t used it in awhile.  ’   having his car taken away at thirty-one isn’t something flynn will readily admit. but, to be fair, last time he really drove it was for a cross country bender which ended in rehab and a lot of hurt feelings. but he’s better now! look at him! responsible as ever, taking care of things himself. 

TJ peels himself away from the wall where he’d been leaning and makes his way over, trying to seem casual, which is what he’s usually trying to do at work.

“I have to tell you something and it’s not good.”

“I like you, I really like you. I like spending time with you. I like hugging you, I like kissing you. I just don’t want to have sex with you.”

“I really think it’s important to be honest about this type of stuff.”

“I’m just trying to take some sad people to the zoo.”

“Every time people look at monkeys, they get excited because the monkeys look like people.”

“I really think that if I got to sing Hakuna Matata to a real meerkat, that would cheer me up.”

“I’ve never seen meerkats and a sad person at the same time. It’s like a weird art installation.”

“It’s normal to feel guilt or a sense of guilt or a sense of responsibility when someone passes, but I think it’s important that nobody blames themselves.”

“We should celebrate his life rather than dwell on his death.”

“I thought this was what you wanted.”

“Conversation doesn’t really flow between us, does it?”

“They used to pelt 5-cent pieces at me, and then I used to pick up the 5-cent pieces to buy candy, which I thought was me owning the situation, but no. I was not.”

“Just try not to be the Donkey to my Shrek, yeah?”

“I don’t really want to reflect on any of the decisions I made as a teenager, to be honest.”

“I try and understand when you do things like this that you’re doing them because you’re ill, and then I don’t get angry, the same way you wouldn’t get angry at someone with a cold for having a runny nose.”

“That’s sort of unfeeling.”

“It’s hardly closure, is it?”

“Maybe you can use this time to think about what you’ve done, you know? Reflect.”

“I can’t jog. My outer shell is not snug to my skeletal system. Independent flesh is the enemy of speed.”

“I really hope we don’t become Communists because everyone’s a team and I’d feel like I was letting the team down.”

“I can’t afford to print the document to get me a job so I can afford to do things like print documents.”

“I’m gonna move inside and look at a plant.”

“Every choice I’ve made since we broke up has just been me treading water until she gets home so we can be together.”

“Everything just tastes like sad.”

“I don’t know what’s going on most of the time. Sometimes when I get home, I feel quite lost.”

“There’s just so many rules. ”

“I’ve got a preternatural ability with felt craft.”

“How do you feel about hot air balloons? Because I don’t really understand how they control them.”

“That’s one of the benefits of being divorced. I don’t have to pretend to be interested.”

“I don’t treasure every minor item you left behind and keep them in special velvet boxes, just waiting for when you wanna come and pick them up.”

“Must be nice having an excuse not to talk.”

“Why am I the bad guy? Why am I always the bad guy?”

“Do you want to borrow my camel chinos?”

“When I feel bad about where I am in life, I like to compare myself to people who are doing worse.”

“I just don’t think I remember how to look after myself.”

“I thought you didn’t want to leave ’cause you might miss me too much.”

“There’s no menus. They just bring you meat. Meat, meat, meat, meat, beef, chicken, pork, beef, chicken, seafood maybe. And then you say, ‘Please stop bringing me meat.’ And they stop bringing you meat. That sounds incredible.”

“I know you told me not to, but I can’t help but worry.”

“That’s bleak, even for you.”

“Do you ever talk about me in therapy?”

“Nobody’s taking any notice of you.”

“I guess I feel like I’m not good enough.”

“Just don’t touch me. Please, please don’t touch me.”

“Do you need me to call an ambulance?”

“You just need to shut the fuck up and leave me alone, okay, please?”

“I’ll be over here when you’re ready.”

“Why are you listening to sad music? Why do you always listen to sad music? You should listen to something fun, you know, like Beyoncé.”

“I’ve decided relationships aren’t for me. I’m not doing them. I’m done with love.”

“I’m trying really hard not to take it personally.”

“You know I’m, like, here for you, right?”

“People always ask me if I know [Name].”

“This is it. Ground zero.”

“Do you have a speech for the occasion?”

“With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.”

“That old thing, how you always hurt the one you love? Well, it works both ways.”

“I know this because [Name] knows this.”

“Think of everything we’ve accomplished.”

“No, wait. Back up. Let me start earlier.”

“Everything’s a copy of a copy of a copy.”

“When deep space exploration ramps up, it’ll be the corporations that name everything. The IBM Stellar Sphere. The Microsoft Galaxy. Planet Starbucks.”

“What kind of dining set defines me as a person?”

“No, you can’t die of insomnia.”

“I nod off, I wake up in strange places. I have no idea how I got there.”

“You need to lighten up.”

“You need healthy, natural sleep. Chew some valerian root and get more exercise.”

“Hey, come on. I’m in pain.”

“Babies don’t sleep this well.”

“Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light. It moves over your body, healing you.”

“[Name], you liar, you big tourist, I need this, now get out!”

“When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake.”

“I’m still here but I don’t know for how long.”

“I’ve got some good news. I no longer have any fear of death.”

“[Name]. The scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if you could stop tonguing it, but you can’t.”

“You’re not dying. In the Tibetan-philosophy, Sylvia-Plath sense of the word, I know we’re all dying.”

“When people think you’re dying, they listen to you, instead of waiting for their turn to speak.”

“Look, you don’t want to get into this. It becomes an addiction.”

“Let’s not make a big thing out of it.”

“This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”

“On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”

“You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.”

“Did you know if you mix gasoline and frozen orange juice, you can make napalm?”

“I suppose these things happening.”

“How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no food.”

“When you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that’s it. That’s the last sofa I’ll need. Whatever happens, the sofa problem is handled.”

“I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let’s evolve. Let the chips fall where they may.”

“The things you own end up owning you.”

“Three pitchers of beer and you still can’t ask.”

“You called me because you needed a place to stay.”

“I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”

“Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did.”

“Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.”

“I don’t wanna die without any scars.”

“Come on, hit me, before I lose my nerve.”

“You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.”

“Self-improvement is masturbation.”

“Even the Mona Lisa’s falling apart.”

“What are you doing here? This is my house.”

“If I fall asleep, I’m done for. You’re gonna have to keep me up all night.”

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

“Without pain or sacrifice, we would have nothing.”

“I’m going to my cave to find my power animal.”

“You’re feeling premature enlightenment. It’s the greatest moment of your life and you’re off somewhere else.”

“Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?”

“You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.”

“Fuck damnation, fuck redemption. We are God’s unwanted children.”

“You have to know, not fear, know that some day, you’re gonna die.”

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

“I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that.”

“[Name]’s words coming out of my mouth. And I used to be such a nice guy.”

“Tragically, they’re dead. I’m alive and in poverty.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are, you crazy little shit?”

“What do you wish you’d done before you died?”

“Hitting bottom isn’t a weekend retreat.”

“We’ve just had a lear-life experience.”

“I’m living in a state of perpetual deja vu.”

“Everywhere I go, I feel like I’ve already been there.”

“You fuck me, then snub me. You love me, you hate me. You’re sensitive, then you turn into an asshole.”

“We simply do not have time for this crap.”

“This needs a tremendous act of faith on your part, but hear me out.”

“I don’t wanna hear anything you have to say.”

“There are things about you I like. You’re smart, funny, you’re spectacular in bed. But you’re intolerable. You have very serious emotional problems. Deep-seated problems for which you should seek professional help.”

“If I keep this, it’s asshole tax.”

“You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

“The first person that comes out of this door gets a lead salad, understand?”

“I will bring us through this. As always, I will carry you kicking and screaming, and in the end you will thank me.”

“I’m grateful to you, for everything that you’ve done for me, but this is too much. I don’t want this.”