"An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art."

"Your troubles will cease and fortune will smile upon you."

Hey, Carl? Do we have an expense account?

                           "I'M NOT SURE THAT THEY'RE REAL, JACK. Sometimes, they make up locations for fictional stories because the authors don't know enough about that location to make it look real, or because no existing location offers what they need for their stories. But you can check. And if you don't find a high school you like, you can always look at universities, too. Maybe you're more interested in one special topic instead of the broader knowledge high schools offer."

          Spencer no longer considers his selection to be a mistake, partly because of the powers that had manifested along the way, && partly because of this. Johnny, above him, both men bare ( && Spencer is dutifully avoiding looking at obnoxious tattoo across Johnny's chest. He's already made peace with the fact that it doesn't make him want to sleep with Johnny any less, but that doesn't mean he has to like the stupid thing. ) Whatever force in the universe had led him to being chosen for a fight to the death style tournament when he couldn't even fire his gun without closing his eyes, at least it had given him Johnny.

he thinks if they'd met on their world, this wouldn't have come to be. johnny would be too much in his own world as a movie star - a washed up movie star, but a movie star all the same - and maybe spencer wouldn't have the time as an fbi agent to give johnny cage a second look. but who really knew?

          Getting that call informing him that Colt was in the emergency room with a broken back had been one of the most terrifying moments of his life.

          He'd been kidnapped, drugged, held hostage — he'd actually died, once — && yet, none of that could hope to match the pure terror he'd felt, being told the man he loved had nearly died doing a stunt. At the time, it had felt like everything had just stopped — his heart, his breath, time, everything. The world stopped spinning, his breath stalled in his throat, && his entire state of awareness narrowed down to one simple fact: he'd come horrifyingly close to losing Colt.

          The next moment, he'd dropped everything to get on a flight to L.A. Nothing else mattered to him; he had to get to Colt, had to see with his own two eyes that Colt was alive. Battered, bruise, spine fractured, but alive.

          Later, when he's sitting beside Colt's hospital bed while the stunt man sleeps && the hospital is quiet && it's just him && his thoughts, he'll realize this must be how Colt feels, every time Spencer goes out of state to stare down the barrel of a gun && risk not coming home. The realization that the one you love is not invincible, that they could be taken from you at any time — it doesn't feel great, being on the other side of that. It's hard to think, his focus shifting between the heart monitor && the rise && fall of Colt's chest; counting his heartbeats, watching him breathe, reminding himself that Colt is alive, if nothing else, he is alive.

          If this is what everyone else feels when he's in danger, he has a lot to make up for. This is Hell.

          Then came the recovery, which was long && arduous. Spencer helped wherever he could, && even Derek had stepped up to over to help with Colt's physical therapy, something Spencer doesn't know that he'll ever be able to thank him enough for. Part of the difficulty, though, came from Colt's attitude — Spencer had expected him to be angry, to lash out && try to push everyone away. He knew the psychology of it all better than anyone, had gone over everything he knew in regards to the psychological effects of a life-altering injury. He knew that when Colt lashed out && did everything he could to drive Spencer out of his life, it wasn't because Colt didn't want him there. He knew it was misplaced anger && guilt, at the situation, at himself for needing help or for getting into this mess ( or both, more than likely. )

          Knowing all of this didn't make it hurt any less.

          Spencer Reid is nothing, though, if not a mix of stubborn && incredibly patient.

          With this frustration reigned in, Spencer's eyes open again && he sits carefully next to Colt. Gently, he takes the stunt man's chin in his hand, directing Colt to look at him && see the sincerity in his gaze. ❛❛ This is not an obligation. ❜❜ Despite everything, his tone remains gentle, but firm — he is not angry with Colt, refusing to allow his frustration to show lest it make Colt feel worse, he just needs him to know that he means every word he says. ❛❛ I am here because I care about you, because I love you and I want to help you recover. ❜❜ This is not the first time he has said this, but he will say it as many times as Colt needs to hear it.

          Sometimes, though, it's easier for his motivations to be understood if he puts Colt in his shoes, so he tries that, too, all with his hand still cupping Colt's chin. ❛❛ You would do the same for me, wouldn't you?? If we were together when I got shot in the knee, would you have left?? ❜❜ Sure, Colt's injury was a lot more severe than his own, but his point still stands. ❛❛ Would you have let me push you away and insist that I could take care of myself, that you could be doing anything else other than letting me rely on you?? Or would you have been just as stubborn as I am being right now, insisting that I'm not a burden and that you want to help?? ❜❜ His questions are mostly rhetorical, meant to make Colt consider his side of things rather than carrying any expectation of a response.

          He shifts to cup both sides of Colt's face, his thumbs briefly && gently stroking along his lover's cheekbones. ❛❛ I am not going anywhere. I am going to be here every step of the way, no matter what you say or do. ❜❜

and it was. time spent cooped up in a hospital made him bored and agitated. but then soon enough, the real work began once his back was healed enough. the work to regain the strength and mobility in his legs and back. and it was such a long and hard journey. and any time he lost balance or had to rely on someone to help with what was once a simple, thoughtless task, he got upset all over again.

he was frustrated with himself and with his injury and annoyed that his arrogance as stunt coordinator had led to him missing some key function to the wires he was on, leading to his accident. he could have killed himself or another stunt actor. those thoughts made him angry all over again.

spencer spent so much of his time helping colt. where once colt could have picked spencer up and carried him to their room, he now sometimes had to rely on spencer just to make it from one room to another. he felt weak and foolish and like a burden that spencer shouldn't feel stuck with.

( there are also plenty of times when he sits and thinks about how unfair he's being, how cruel, by trying to decide for spencer whether he should stay in this relationship or not by trying to push spencer away. and one day in the future, he'll tell spencer how grateful he is that spencer sees through him. that he's lain awake some nights thinking what an idiot he is for trying to ruin a good thing because he's mad at himself. )

it's just incredibly hard to go from being so self reliant to needing help for simple tasks. to being in pain so much and so often.

this isn't the first time he's tried to scare spencer away. and usually, the guilt settles in harder immediately. it becomes difficult to look spencer in the eyes and colt has the desire to flee. to stumble his way into another room and shut the door, locking his boyfriend out. but he doesn't, because he believes that if a day comes where he successfully pushes spencer away, then he has to sit there and take the punishment of that face to face.

when spencer scoots in close and takes his chin in hand, it forces colt to look into his eyes. hazel hues that stare back at him, always filled with more understanding than he could ever deserve. "it's not the same," but the words come out soft, defeated almost. spencer didn't have to learn how to walk and move and exist again. he didn't have to relearn how to stand just so his back wouldn't seize and force him to be stuck on the floor somewhere.

as spencer cups his cheeks in both hands, colt's bottom lip trembles. he's cried enough times since the accident. out of pain. out of frustration. out of a good number of reasons. he'd cry from loneliness too, if he managed to finally push spencer away. he's successfully pushed away all of his friends in the industry, making them feel bad just for reaching out. punishes himself this way and then feels stupid and guilty afterwards.

he wraps his fingers around spencer's wrists. "i wouldn't blame you if you left," he tries again, feebly this time. like he knows this round of the argument is over but can't help but get in another few words. he's stubborn. spencer probably knows this by now.