Did I turn my self into a blonde bimbo?
The only thing I truly love is tumbling. It is the one time I feel my happiest. For years I was not able to do it, which made me feel trapped, not myself. Now I can. I just have to limit myself to one session per day. I love the sweat, the way my body feels and moves, the way time disappears.
I am lucky to have a Russian coach who is strict, older but still fit, with an accent and an attitude that has zero tolerance for whining or nonsense. He believes I can do it. And guess what? He is right. I remember my first time meeting him. Fifteen minutes in, he had me doing handstands. Me? Ok then. My wrists are weak. I used to wrap them, but I forgot because I did not think I would be able to do anything anyway. Then my hands turned inward. I was looking down at them from above, midair. He was right. Old habits die hard. I point them inward for more control of the weak parts of my wrists. (they need to be forward)
Then one day, I started to spin and split my legs like a propeller, legs in the air, my hands planted firmly on the ground. I could move back and forth, around and around, holding a handstand. It felt like butter. The foam pit, oh how I love it. He has you in rotation constantly. Time is up, and you move on to the next thing. When you are in the foam pit, whatever routine you have, you go for it. Back handspring, double layout, kick out. You run, you push, you flip, you land in the foam squares, sinking deep into a ditch. You have to crawl out. It looks fun and easy, right?
Then you look up and see the preteen girls watching from the bars above. They are waiting to see if you will crack, waiting to laugh at you. You cannot back down. There is no cheer national, no gold medal, no audition to train for. It is just you. And maybe that is why it matters. Because for the first time in a long time, it is not about proving anything to anyone else. It is about proving it to yourself.
I have never understood why I like being upside down or in the air so much. Maybe that is why tumbling feels like home. Ballet is different. Ballet is only fun to me because of the people. The friends I have made, even now, keep me coming back. The way my body feels light and happy.âŚgives me a balance between two parts of myself.
I adore my ballet teachers. I have two. One is the owner of the small studio, and the other is a man who has spent a lifetime in dance and brings so much joy to it. We do one hour of barre, then dance thirty minutes more that we always push to forty five, and then we just jump. It is quick. It is focused.
In ballet itâs not really counts of eight. However, the vocabulary of the French words is still linguistic. If you understand the language. Especially if you understand the language it is ironic. Entrechat means âbetween cats.â Pas de chat means âcatâs step.â BrisĂŠ means âbroken.â PiquĂŠ means âpricked.â BallottĂŠ means âtossed.â
Then you dance the words, floating and jumping, and I feel free. There is no competition, no pressure. Just sweetness.
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My hair is blonde as heck now. Honestly, I think I have turned myself into a blonde bimbo. Since I fixed the testosterone, my body is smaller and my boobs are so much bigger. Unfortunately, it looks like I got a boob job. Now I feel like people think I am one of those plastic surgery blond bimbos. I do not have anything against it if others choose that, I do not judge, but I feel judged.
I hate the male gaze. I hate the attention that comes with it. My boobs are so huge now it feels like someone taped a weight to the pencil body I have created.
When I feel hungry and go to bite something, I cannot eat it at all. It feels like pins and needles. When I do eat a meal, it takes me hours to finish small bites. I get dizzy. Fainting is nothing new to me. In extreme heat, if I walk too fast or too long, I have to stop, catch my breath, and wait until the dizziness passes. With not eating, I have learned how to mask it all. But do not worry, I eat. I just have to force myself.
I have zero family history of poor health. None. The majority of what I went through came from stress and eating disorders. You would think I would be happy to be a size 2 to 4 again. Most of my clothes were hidden away in those sizes waiting for this moment. People question how a fashion girl has nothing to wear, and then all of a sudden it is a whole closet of Loewe. Yet even fitting into those clothes, I still felt caged by old voices telling me I was never enough.
I do not have acne anymore. My testosterone was high and my vitamin D and zinc were low. Once I corrected that, the breakouts stopped. You would think I would be happy to have clear skin, but the truth is I had nothing left to pick at. Picking became my vice. I remember a model a friend I've known for maybe 17 years, when we were 14 showing me how she picked the back of her hair. I thought she was crazy at the time, but it was better than cutting, the way Jasmine did. That same girl now works in urban planning in New York, a long way from those teenage years. When we get lunch, as adults, I never expose herâŚI just listen.
I may have never had Lyme disease at all. I have zero antibodies, which means I was made sick by proxy. My mom created illness in me. I have a large family who truly cannot understand my mother, and truly, every single one of them, on all sides, is still shaken by it.
My spine is corrected now. I worked with chiropractor weekly and also took care of it at home. Being able to do handstands and backbends again makes me feel whole, alive, and happy. For so long I could not bend, stretch, or move the way I wanted. I felt locked inside myself.
When I saw blood in my urine last week, I knew what it was. But yesterday it was black at first glance, Pepsi-cola colored they call it. Shocked, I called my primary doctor and was told to go to the ER. I passed a stone. At the ER, the doctor and I laughed at the absurdity of it all. I was honest with him.
When I was nineteen and modeling, I worked out like crazy and barely ate. That was the first time I peed blood as an adult. Kidney infections and stones followed. Really, it began when I was fifteen. Eating disorders have a way of breaking you. A little dehydration, no food, and extreme workouts, and suddenly your body gives out.
After many tests and even a colonoscopy, most of my stomach problems came from being lactose intolerant. For years I tortured myself without realizing why. I thought there were nine other reasons, but it was really just milk.
I have not had a migraine in months. They were never random. They came from extreme stress.
I do not drink coffee anymore. Instead, I squeeze seedless lemons into my water just so I can make myself drink it. Honestly, I would take Ozempic, but I did not want to risk losing my eyesight.
I grew out my hair and had it permanently straightened with a Qiqi treatment. I recommend it to everyone. It does not take away the volume or the soft waves, but it removes the frizz and curl. On the surface, I look polished. I wake up and it looks flawless. No more hassle, no more tools, just wake up with nice hair.
I found out last week have a deviated septum and both nostrils are distorted skugkty underneath. For years, whenever I got sick, the pressure in my head became unbearable. I would flip out because I could not breathe and thought I was being dramatic or attention seeking. In reality, my nose was blocked. I never understood why breathing felt so wrong until now. Next week it is finally getting fixed. No pressure in my ears.. Will be a big change for me and the left side of my face will finally not be puffy which you can only see the past few years ever so slightly.
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Then I sit in a chair and think, I look good on the outside but why do I feel so lost.
So I lasered everything off. The only hair left is from my eyebrows up.
So I just focus on the things that make me happy. My family. My work. My passions. And dance.
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I do not believe anyoneâs body is wrong. I just grew tired of being told mine was fat.
















